The beautiful, brave and brilliant Paulette Cooper sent me a note about the new book she authored with Tony Ortega of Underground Bunker fame.
I have not had a chance to read it yet, but Paulette is a wonderful writer and Tony has an encyclopedic knowledge of scientology so I feel certain that I cannot go wrong in recommending it. Tony’s blog is a wealth of invaluable information that has been accumulating for years. It truly is the scientology wikipedia. I tell people if they cannot find what they are looking for about scientology on the Bunker it probably doesn’t exist. And this is a selection of “greatest hits” from his blog. You can purchase it on Amazon.
Along with her message, Paulette included some jokes I thought everyone would enjoy. A Sunday Funnies to complement the Thursday Funnies.
Here is the message from Paulette and her jokes:
Tony Ortega and I wrote a book together titled “BATTLEFIELD SCIENTOLOGY: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s Dangerous ‘Religion.’” It’s based on Tony’s popular blog posts, and it’s all about Tom Cruise, people who have died in Scientology, the crazy nonsense they spout, the people they hurt, etc. It’s available on amazon, in paperback ($19.95) and kindle ($8.99) The 354-page book has 30+ chapters and 30+ photos. You can also order it through [email protected].
Also, while you’re (hopefully still) reading this, you (especially former Scientologists) might get a kick out of these (mostly anti-Miscavige) jokes sent to me by Jim Goettel.
A Mormon, a Jew and a Scientologist walk into a bar. After a few minutes, a drunk walks in screaming and yelling. The Jew calmly says “do not curse, for it is a sin.” The Mormon calmly says “do not use the Lord’s name in vain, for it is ungodly”. And the Scientologists runs up to him, grabs him by the shirt and yells “what are your crimes?!”
The Mormon, Jew and Scientologist discuss what they would do if their doctor told them that they had only six weeks to live. The Jew said “there are lots of great books I have never read. I would read all of those.” The Mormon says “I have lots of relatives I have never met. I would visit each and every one of them. And the Scientologist says “I don’t know. What would Ron do?”
The Mormon, Jew and Scientologist become regulars, and get nicknames. The Mormon is called Noah’s Ark, because his family is so large. The Jew is called Einstein because he is so well-educated. And the Scientologist is called Dunkin’ Donuts because his eyes were always glazed.
David Miscavige, Mariah Carey and Michael Jordan all die on the same day. They arrive at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter says “before I can let you in, you must show me who you are.” Carey belts out one of her best songs. St. Peter says “I’m convinced,” and lets her in. Jordan then dribbles a ball behind his back, behind his legs and does a reverse lay up. St. Peter says “I’m convinced” and lets him in. Then he turns to Miscavige and says “it’s your turn. Show me that you are David Miscavige.” So Miscavige starts punching him.
I think I still have 4 or 5 left I need to read on the Kindle but I think I will bump this one up to the top the the need to read list.
Thanks for the chuckles. When I first searched for current scn info, I first gravitated to/fell into Rathbun’s site. ‘Twas interesting while he was researching scn’s antecedents and alternative sources, possibly Tubby’s actual sources, but he hasn’t said anything I found interesting for some years. Perhaps the last interesting thing I found on his site was him and someone else sitting on the dock discussing Davey Boy’s involvement in filming “Battlefield Earth”
I find it telling that the “independent Movement” fizzled so quickly. For awhile, it seemed like there might be a viable scn. Loved that a couple of US orgs/franchises declared their independence( That took REAL guts. ), but it seems they’ve faded into the sunset, no longer practicing;IF(big if) scientology “tech” (techniques) did what they promised, I would expect the Independents to doing far better than McSavage’s thugs/clubbed seals, having freed themselves from that squirrely regime’s direct suppression. I still secretly wish that SOME bit of Tubby’s work was not pure fiction: who does NOT want those much-vaunted OT powers? I’d settle for truly, fully external, myself; Taking a viewpoint in a girls’ shower room or a nude beach would beat ‘net porn hands down. IMO, yrue external would give us the ability to move anywhere in space AND time, which would make winning the lottery child’s play. Yes, I can still dream.
Those are cute jokes. Sad that they are true and funny. I laughed. LOL I’m buying Tony and Paulette’s book. I am forever grateful for Tony’s blog…he really stays the course and it is a great service to those who want some information that isn’t propaganda. Paulette definitely deserves a standing ovation for hanging in there all those years after almost going to Prison!! Thank God for those 1977 raids…what a synchronistic intervention in her favor. She had some good karma for that to happen. It was so evil what they did to her…But she survived and prospered for the next 30-40 years and so there. Yay. 🙂
I started reading the book, got the paper back right away. Excellent format, very clear layouts and includes some of Tony’s best articles. Paulette’s introductions are excellent.
A must for those new to Scientology and for ex members.
Um, DM would not start punching St. Peter. He’d look at St. Pete disdainfully and tell him he’s not real, just and implant. (Sorry former members, as a NI I can’t recall the exact terminology for the implant).
Mkm . i doubt if DM will get anywhere near the Pearly Gates..
Hell is more appropriate. .
True
More exposure, not less. That’s the Scientology solvent. I hope this book is a success.
It truly is my wish that the criminal enterprise known as the Scientology Religious Organization is brought to justice while I am still around. I would take great comfort in knowing/seeing it has been truly terminated & those that have profited from it behind behind bars.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
A Scientologist.
A what?
A Scientologist.
You’re kidding me, really? (images of Leah Remini on A&E flash).
Yes.
WTF do you want?
Your ruin.
(confused) What do you want again?
Whatever is ruining your life. So I can save you from yourself and better mankind. Because whatever is ruining you, Scientology has the answer.
Huh?? Oh, I get it now. But my ruin isn’t a question.
Oh, OK. Thanks for telling me that. What is it then?
I’m struggling with debt already & now have a dental emergency with my kid.
(the dwindling sound of footsteps, a long silence, then crickets chirping…)
“….starts punching him….”
David Miscavage’s calling card.
Chuck. Hell more appropriate place for DM
Many small punches can be as good as a great punch.
I just ordered it. Can’t wait to read! ☺
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he’s got to be hatted first.
He’s got to complete a twenty-five page LRH-approved $1500 checksheet on it first.
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
10. One to screw in the bulb, and 9 to handle the routing form.
Dave – Hysterical… by L Ron Hubbard has a few more steps in the cycle we don’t want you to forget…no verbal tech. This is right out of the Hat Write Up – Changing light bulbs in a mORGue.
1. CSW signed off by RTC.
2. Funds raised to purchase light bulb.
3. Sec check on the cans for crimes against light bulbs or light fixtures
4. Donation to the IAS
5. Change the light bulb
6. Cycle goes to Qual
7. Success story is written up. Stand up, salute to the LRH bust of photo on wall. Three Hip Hip HOoray’s.
8. Video produced to send up lines to SuMP of Scientology wins using LRH Tech and how it was so so theta
9. Hat write up
10, Donation to IAS
11, End of Cycle.
And then the lights go out!
Only because they hadn’t raised enough to pay the electric bill…
damn SP’s had us so focused on the light bulb!
And don’t forget about the upcoming event where guess who will throw a new stat at you about 52x light bulbs changed using LRH tech!
…and after that, it takes ten: One (fully hatted and high-crimed) to change the bulb, and nine to sign the routing form.
Doesn’t the financial planning people need to consent to the purchase of the new light globe first? Lots of different hats have to be worn before estates would even consider getting the ladder out of the soon to be renovated storeroom, once the donation cycles for the building are completed. The checksheet system and Qual certification come only after standard application of study tech in the academy that underlies all activities, except of course, new people. Who first must complete the Basics. Nothing quite like a newbie trying to digest the PDCs, after going cross eyed reading Dianetics.
Scientology is strictly a group effort you know, org board and all! There are no individuals in Scioland below the level of movie star. Hence, new light globes in Scientology have gone the way of toilet paper in the orgs.
OMG you guys – you are hysterical! I love the J&Ding
How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and with NO HANDS — if he’s OT LIX (That’s 59, isn’t it?) The level should be ready for us in about 75,000,000 years… ; – )
Don’t forget to throw in a couple of date/locates on volcanic eruptions. Very important in case electrical interference disturbs the current flow and causes the filament distress. LEDs are not permitted as there is no LRH reference on them being in bulb form, so they must be squirrelly wog based tech. We are proudly standard here in the bubble!
Scientology is a time (it’s all a lie anyway) freeze. KSW1 says so.
Don’t forget if it’s a church light-bulb the NDA and other 10 forms will need to be signed 1st.
LOL 😉
Great jokes indeed, thank you and lots of success for you Paulette and Tony with this new book.
Be sure myself and all who have taken the choice to leave this criminal cult will read it.
I found the subtitle to the book absolutely spot-on. The title is a nice pun too. Already got my copy.
The jokes could go on and on endlessly much like a PC I knew who had to run ‘kick that wall’.
Funny jokes!
Slight variation on the bar one “…the Scientologist runs up to him, grabs him by the shirt and yells “Look at that wall”.
Mike, between Tony’s blog and your blog, I keep one eye on the death spiral of something I once believed in and worked at for almost 2 decades.
Given the dedication and good intentions of the majority of staff, the cherch could have built something quite remarkable and helpful – but it was/is squandered in greed and false promises.
Another slight variation on the bar one: « … the scientologist Runs up to him, grabs him by the shirt and yells « Dave! What are you doing here outside? I mean Sir… »
Spot on Zola.
To think of the large quantity & the quality of genuinely caring people that Scientology attracted and then betrayed, sheesh!
Wow
Let the mirth flow from you.
How many $cientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
6….4 to write the KR on the bulb who abandoned its post and 2 to staff the fund raising campaign to replace it.
zemooo – spit my coffee on the screen. Hilarious!
Most accurate yet… but wait – then there’s the VM who comes to take a picture … shoot nvm, they couldn’t recruit an extra to take the pic, therefore the VM def can’t show up… that’s out exchange!
Funny jokes! and not so off the mark. Scientology is so easy to make fun of – and be honest at the same time.
Tony’s blog lite up my brain when I was on my way out. Off the top of my head the stories that blew my mind were John Brousseau’s story, Hy Levy’s video, and later Claire Headley’s breakdown of the auditing, Jefferson Hawkins breakdown of Ethics. That’s just off the top of my head.
I was already done but not out with scientology when the Debbie Cook email hit and the subsequent trial was stunning – changed the course of scientology history.
Then, of course, I’ve had great fun learning of Leah’s departure, Lisa Marie Presley’s story, and Katie Holmes surprise stick-it-to Tom Cruise (couldn’t have happened to a better guy).
Marty nor his blog or books were ever one that I took to, but Steve Hall’s blog was very educational and instrumental as well in helping me turn my head around – as well as Jefferson Hawkins book and blog and the article written on Thought Stopping. In fact, I’d have to say that article was the first in an “Oh My God!” moment for me. Every scientologist should read that article and his article in Tony’s blog on Ethics.
Of course, this blog and my departure and declare started about the same time. Mike deserves a lot of gratitude and a little more than a gold star for hanging in there so long and pounding away at the church of scientology with his knowledge of its history and of its abuses. He’s been involved with so many newspaper and blog stories, documentaries, and the series with Leah. Forever grateful.
I find it interesting that the church these days is so boring. It’s got it nifty TV show highlighting it’s wonderful members and good works. It’s really doing its best to plug the leaks and stories of abuse and prevent people from leaving and showing up on a show or blog or book. It seems to have corralled it 20,000 and is holding them in line – even the Under The Radars. Gee, do you think it can make a comeback? Okay, I’m off to make up a joke.
Great Post Mary. Thank you too for posting. You are a pretty amazing woman!
Agreed – Mary is def a rockstar who has touched MANY hearts! Would love to have a Mom like you!
Love the jokes – Paulette’s and the many hilarious ones in the comments. Thank you ALL for all that you do and for providing a soft landing place for those brave enough to risk leaving these days!