Another article sent to me recently that I am republishing and commenting on here as it explains a lot of what we see going on in the world of scientology. The more knowledge and understanding one has of the phenomena associated with cults and cultish behavior and the toxic traits and personalities you find associated with them, the better chance one has of not being damaged and retaining one’s sanity.
This article is oriented towards avoiding hooking up with a High Conflict Person as a partner, but the description of this type of individual is broadly applicable. It originally appeared in Psychology Today
My comments are in red italics.
4 Red Flags of a High-Conflict Partner
Personality awareness can help people spot signs of future difficulties.
Bill Eddy LCSW, JD
Posted December 31, 2020 Reviewed by Devon Frye
The personality disorders prone to high conflict behavior are the Cluster B* personalities: narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, histrionic; and paranoid from Cluster A. However, many people (perhaps half) with these disorders do not have a high conflict personality pattern because they are not preoccupied with blaming other specific people. They just can’t see their own part in the problems they have and therefore don’t try to change.
High conflict patterns are usually hidden at the beginning of a relationship or partnership. Most people are surprised when it turns out that their spouse, business partner, or other people close to them have a high conflict personality. Suddenly, you become their target of blame. Everything is “all your fault!” The partner’s solutions may escalate into extremes, from refusing to talk about important issues, to spreading rumors, on up to breaking things or violence.
While there are ways to manage relationships with HCPs when they are not too severe, most people would rather not commit to such relationships in the first place. And if you believe you have such a pattern, it is never too late to practice new behaviors, such as with a therapist.
Here are 4 warning signs of a high conflict partner (who may or may not have a personality disorder):
1. Preoccupation with blaming others.
You may see this behavior in how the person speaks of others. “My last divorce was all her fault.” “My last business partner totally destroyed the business.” “My neighbor ruined everything.” One of these statements on their own may actually be true. But it is worth checking out the situation, because these can also be warning signs. Is there a pattern of speaking this way? Did one person say all of these statements? If so, that is very concerning, because in any relationship, usually, both people contribute to problems and solutions. This is part of human nature. (See my blog on reciprocity: “What Do You Evoke in Others (and They in You)?”)
But if your potential partner blames others a lot, you will also find that they probably do not take responsibility when they should. You may want to test the relationship before you commit by planning and working on a project together first. Does your partner follow through? Does he or she blame you?
This is a trait built into scientology — especially SO members. It is a matter of survival to find someone else to blame for anything that may go wrong in your zone of responsibility. And of course, in the larger picture, there is NOTHING that is the fault of Hubbard or Miscavige or scientology. There is ALWAYS someone else to blame. It’s part of the DNA. And you see people who come out of that environment and continue the same behavior patterns.
2. All-or-nothing thinking or solutions.
High conflict people often speak in all-or-nothing terms. They tend to see people as all-good or all-bad. They often escalate disagreements into much larger judgments of the whole relationship. “Well then, let’s just get divorced.” “If you won’t agree (on this minor issue), then let’s just dissolve our business partnership.” “You are the worst partner I’ve ever had.” “I totally believe everything he said about you.”
The black and white/us v. them mindset of cults (and too many cult survivors) is easily observed in the scientology world. It is one of its defining characteristics.
Other all-or-nothing examples include repeatedly canceling or not showing for appointments, claiming credit for the work of others, denying responsibility for spending money unreasonably, and blatant lying. Rather than excuse such extremes, take them seriously in looking at overall personality patterns of behavior.
Also, watch out for words that are designed to hook you in. For example: “I feel totally unsupported by you.” “My childhood was the worst ever. You need to give me a break.” Of course, in rare situations, these statements may be true. Just treat them as warning signs to look into.
3. Unmanaged or intense emotions.
This is often where the biggest surprise comes. The partner suddenly blasts you with intense rage over some minor or nonexistent problem. People are often frozen in fear or doubt after being the target of such rage. You may question yourself: “Did I really do something so bad?” “Is there something seriously wrong with me?” These are common questions people ask themselves around a high conflict person, and a sign of healthy self-reflection. However, if the other person’s emotions repeatedly do not fit the circumstances, this may be a warning sign of the person’s inability to manage their own emotions.
The fits of uncontrolled rage of L. Ron Hubbard and now David Miscavige are well-known to anyone who ever worked closely with them. Miscavige’s long, rambling rants about everyone who has tried to do him in or displeased him in any way are legendary. In scientology, insane behavior like this is explained and justified as “moving up and down the Tone Scale — much better than being stuck in a chronic tone.” Though that presupposes the chronic tone would be low, not “Serenity of Beingness” which someone at the top of the scientology heap should be demonstrating…
HCPs with borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders frequently demonstrate these intense, unmanaged emotions. However, with some high conflict people, you may not see unmanaged or intense emotions. For example, HCPs with antisocial or paranoid personality disorders may keep their emotions under tight control much of the time. But in reality, their hidden emotions may be driving their extreme behavior.
4. Extreme behavior or threats.
Sometimes there is a growing pattern of extreme behavior as you get to know the person. Other times they have engaged in an extreme behavior that most people would never do. While they may have a credible excuse (“I was tired” or “I was stressed”), ask yourself if you would ever do that behavior even if you were tired or under stress. HCPs are often used to quickly coming up with excuses for their extreme behavior. Frequent excuses are a warning sign.
Threats of extreme behavior can be another warning sign. “You’ll never see the kids again if you ever divorce me!” “I will kill myself if you ever break up with me!” “I will ruin your business reputation!” “I’m going to go to the press and TV stations and tell them how awful you really are!” All of such threats should be taken seriously. They are not part of normal relationship conversations or behavior.
Conclusion
Personality awareness includes knowing the warning signs to look for when considering new relationships. Do some research and self-reflection before committing.
Another thing about high conflict personalities is that cults tend to deal with them by promoting them.
In a documentary on Osho and his cult members it was noted that the meanest and most domineering members of his cult were promoted to positions in which they could order around the others.
Many other cults follow the same routine. The lieutenants of the leader are strongly encouraged to be abusive, since a cult is an abusive relationship spread out over a group.
Obviously many of us have seen Sea Org members who screamed at people all day long in positions of authority.
If you aren’t willing to tear people a new asshole and give severe reality adjustments you are not likely to be a programs chief or higher executive in Scientology.
I have known several executive directors at class V orgs who got an endless barrage of phone calls by Sea Org executive after executive, screaming at them, all day every day.
One had a heart attack after a few years. Many are chewed up and spit out. I have seen executive director after executive director get run down, removed from post, blamed for the org not expanding then either SP declared or shunned.
The Hubbards of the world think that people need to be beaten down, gaslighted into oblivion, confused about everything, and exhausted and exasperated to be under control, their control.
High conflict personalities tend to see kindness as reserved for themselves and cruelty as deserved by others, especially others that they have conflict with.
I have read several books by Bill Eddy.
He has several short and very easy to read books oh high conflict personalities and issues related to this such as dealing with them in the workplace, in family court or a divorce or even that we tend to elect them or accept them as leaders.
I recommend them.
He has dealt with them as an attorney and seen how often the police, courts, and judges don’t believe they are really as extreme as they are and so they can manipulate the system to try to get a “compromise” when sometimes they are not willing to compromise, as one example of what they do.
I think that the world unfortunately has so many people who exhibit this behavior that it’s extremely difficult to avoid them. To me that’s unrealistic.
Other people have written books that give the advice of basically telling you to learn to identify them well, then to just remove them from your life.
But in reality most people can’t leave every job if they spot such a person, because the odds are another one is at the next job, or even if you find a job without one, due to turnover one can be around the corner.
You also may have them as neighbors or local merchants or the local police or school board or homeowners association president.
Are you supposed to be constantly moving to a new city and quitting your job? To say nothing about if they are your children, in laws, or relatives.
Bill Eddy has addressed the reality that you may HAVE to deal with such people for the long term.
I have realized that the indoctrination in Scientology was definitely created by a high conflict individual in Hubbard and encourages similar behavior in Scientology cult members.
Obviously even in the world outside of Scientology one is going to encounter high conflict personalities and they don’t behave as other people do.
They are not identical and some are definitely far more extreme than others. For every Carl Panzram there are probably a hundred who are not going to end up in prison.
But even the minor ones are worth being aware of, because they can wreck groups and the ex cult community unfortunately is not immune.
One thing that I have noted with a lot of them, for example, is they seek and continue conflict far more than most people.
You may disagree with them on something that is minor to you, but they don’t let it go and then to them the conflict may be more important than the relationship.
If someone in a group has this trait, they can make the conflict they have with others over shadow everything else going on in a group and then push it until the group has a schism with people either with them or against them.
The original purpose of the group may even be relegated to a secondary role or forgotten altogether.
This can derail an entire group because of the self centered or conflict centered values of one person.
I think that ex Scientologists and cult watchers can be aware of this and try to remain true to their own goals and values, despite anything that anyone else is doing.
As someone who has delt with all four of the characteristics listed I found this article very informative not only to me but I feel like it is very useful information to others. Including those of who are in cults or in high control groups. Each of the traits can be seen in the person/group that may have seemed off or you may have felt like you where walking on eggshells around at least in my experience. Your notes and thoughts where also helpful particularly for those who may be in any type of group.
Alot of great information from both the article and your comments. Both tell red flags of a partner or group. Alot of these traits listed can help people recognize the situation that they may be in and help them leave in the long run
I am a long time reader and occasional commenter on this site.
Quite often I have issues because my experiences were so much different.
I think many others who were around at the time would feel about the same as me.
I was on staff for over 6 years in a Class V Org and left at the end of my contract (in the mid-80s.)
Maybe it is different these days.
The main thing that made being on staff bearable was the sense of camaraderie between all of us on staff. I had a group of friends and we always had each other’s backs. It wasn’t at all dog-eat-dog.
Of course, there are always occasions when you lock horns with someone else. I don’t think that most held onto grudges.
Hubbard said somewhere that if some activity is unsuccessful then one should always look at their own areas and behaviors first, because it is easier to change oneself than to change someone else.
This is good advice and something I still use to this day. This doesn’t mean that I feel overly guilty or think that everything is my fault. It just means I try to learn from mistakes.
I was a Senior Exec for most of my time on staff. This is not particularly impressive but does mean that I could have thrown my weight around had I wished to. I am far from perfect, but I very seldom did so or lost my temper (2 or 3 times over the whole 6 years.) Most of the other execs were similar to me.
I am not trying to say that it was all sweetness and light.
There was much going on in the Guardian’s Office that I only found out about much later.
We had the Finance Police (who were a bunch of absolute psychos), and one screaming and shouting Cont. CO (whom I despised.)
Both were only around for a relatively short time.
Cavalier, I think that in most CL V orgs it was and is as you describe.
However, I also think these behaviors are more evident in all their aspects in the Sea Org. While up to a certain period these attitudes were more visible but limited to the higher levels, since the early ’90s they have started to exist even in the lower ranks up to the CLOs.
Yelling, threats, bullying, staff being denigrated at staff muster and from then on being seen and treated like dirt by everyone. I have also seen staff from orgs brought up to the CLO to be “handled,” where they were yelled at with all sorts of things, and if the CO CLO didn’t like them, it was even worse.
In other words, this way of behave, like a contagion, has spread throughout the Sea Org. It was considered acceptable to exhibit these traits to produce a product, to show how tone 40 and tough you were, to handle someone, to be right, or to explain why it was someone’s fault. Maybe things have changed a bit recently, as with all the information available online, they had to correct themselves, but I’m not so sure about that.
Let me add something – a question… has an OT a mind? Basically is it unnecessary to have one, because he would be able to Look… to look at anything in any time wherever… and so he is for himself in no way aberrated… but with the duplication of what is – he has thoughts about what he sees… this thoughts may stay in conflict with his intensions… anyway – how could somebody audit that?
Aldeboni, once, an OT V told me that when you are OT, you no longer have a reactive mind, so you no longer commit ‘overts’ (which is a colossal bullshit, from what I’ve seen with my own eyes, at most you learn to ‘justify’ better) and then said that the analytical mind was even worse. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I sensed that there was still some ‘reactivity’ that manifested randomly and he had no data to explain It.
The fact is, driving a car, work appointments, shopping, or remembering what you said you wanted, require a mind or whatever it might be that functions in that way. Furthermore, the mind needs to interpret everything it encounters with some logic. However, pre-existing information taken as ‘certain’ and self-awareness (and here it also depends on where the ‘certainty’ comes from) are the ground on which everything comes to life.
Wanting to reach a high spiritual state (which theoretically might already be there, but that’s another story) by believing that you need to resolve problems, incidents, and GPMs from the entire track, perhaps establishes that these must necessarily exist, and the mind will provide them in abundance.
If and when you agree that we are all spirits (thetans) than you had an agreement – an agreement with Scientology… but, next agreement is to agree that you have a mind… which is more difficult to agree with… but with the certainty of others about this – you may take that as a reality… Personal awareness is basically very easy to manipulate… you can always see what you want… or you can see what you should…
Awareness is seeing the things which are there – but you can be forced to see something which is not really there… and so on… and so on…
Alot of the list is able to describe a narcissistic relation ship. Your comments go further to clarify that in more detail. I have noticed alot of the things that both the article and your comments have mentioned that are used in daily life to lie and harm others in one way or another. Most of the personality traits are hard to spot.