I was sent this article by a reader and found it interesting and relevant. I doubt there is anyone who reads this blog who has not encountered this sort of personality, I think cults tend to be breeding grounds for extreme behaviors. I had no idea that this was an identifiable and categorized type of person. There is a lot of information out in the real world that can help make sense of cult experiences!
High conflict people (HCPs) have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many different people.
The issue that seems in conflict at the time is not what is increasing the conflict. The “issue” is the high-conflict personality and how the person approaches problem-solving.
With HCPs, the pattern of behavior includes a lot of:
- blaming others
- all-or-nothing thinking
- unmanaged emotions
- extreme behaviors
Blaming Others
HCPs stand out, because of the intensity of their blame for others – especially for those close to them or in authority positions over them. For them, it is highly personal and feels like they might not survive if things don’t go their way.
So, they focus on attacking and blaming someone else and find fault with everything that person does, even though it may be quite minor or non-existent compared to the high-conflict behavior of the HCP. In contrast to their blame of others, they can see no fault in themselves and see themselves as free of all responsibility for the problem. If you have been someone’s target of blame, you already know what I’m talking about.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
HCPs tend to see conflicts in terms of one simple solution rather than taking time to analyze the situation, hear different points of view and consider several possible solutions.
Compromise and flexibility seem impossible to them, as though they could not survive if things did not turn out absolutely their way.
They often predict extreme outcomes if others do not handle things the way that they want. And if friends disagree on a minor issue, they may end their friendships on the spot – an all-or-nothing solution.
Unmanaged Emotions
HCPs tend to become very emotional about their points of view and often catch everyone else by surprise with their intense fear, anger, yelling or disrespect for those nearby or those who receive their comments over the Internet – or anywhere.
Their emotions are often way out of proportion to the issue being discussed. This often shocks everyone else. They often seem unable to control their own emotions and may regret them afterwards – or defend them as totally appropriate and insist that you should too.
On the other hand, there are some HCPs who don’t lose control of their emotions but use emotional manipulation to hurt others. They trigger upset feelings in ways that are not obvious (sometimes while they seem very calm). But these emotional manipulations push people away and don’t get them what they want in the long run.
They often seem clueless about their devastating and exhausting emotional impact on others.
Extreme Behaviors
HCPs frequently engage in extreme behavior, whether it’s in writing or in person. This may include shoving or hitting, spreading rumors or outright lies, trying to have obsessive contact and keep track of your every move – or refusing to have any contact at all, even though you may be depending on them to respond.
Many of their extreme behaviors are related to losing control over their emotions, such as suddenly throwing things or making very mean statements to those they care about the most.
Other behaviors are related to an intense drive to control or dominate those closest to them, such as hiding your personal items, keeping you from leaving a conversation, threatening extreme action if you don’t agree, or physically abusing you.
Personality Disorders or Traits
HCPs also seem to have personality disorders or some traits of these disorders. This means that they have long-term patterns of: interpersonal dysfunction, lack of reflection on their own behavior, and lack of change.
Mental health professionals have identified ten personality disorders. Five of these have a tendency to become HCPs: those with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, and histrionic personality disorders or traits.
This helps us understand why they stay stuck in conflict—namely because they don’t reflect on their part of the problem, and they don’t change. So, the conflict continues or gets worse.
Try to steer clear of emotional confrontations with HCPs (such as anger, tears, or saying they are frustrating).
When engaged with their emotions, they tend to get overwhelmed and are more likely to attack others, don’t tell them that you think they have a high-conflict personality or personality disorder. If you do, they may turn on you as their next target of blame—for months or years!
A Predictable Pattern
Perhaps you know someone with this pattern. Someone who insists that you, or someone you know, is entirely to blame for a large or small (or non-existent) problem. If so, he or she may be an HCP. However, before you rush to tell that person that he or she is an HCP, remember: Do not openly label people and don’t use this information as a weapon. It will make your life much more difficult if you do.
HCPs are in every occupation, every culture, and every country. This has nothing to do with intelligence. Some HCPs are very smart, while others are not—like the whole population.
They tend to have more substance abuse, more depression, more anxiety, and other problems. This is often because their ways of interacting don’t work, which frustrates them as well as everyone around them.
Yet they aren’t able to reflect on themselves and you can’t make them.
I recommend having a “Private Working Theory” that someone may be an HCP. You don’t tell the person and you don’t assume you are right. You simply focus on key methods to help in managing your relationship, such as paying more attention to the following:
- Connecting with the person with empathy, attention and/or respect (unless it’s not safe and you just need to stay away from the person).
- Analyzing your realistic options in dealing with the person (write a list of options, then decide which one makes the most realistic sense in dealing with him or her; sometimes it’s best to slowly phase the person out of your life).
- Responding to hostility or misinformation: Use responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (B.I.F.F.). Avoid advice, admonishments and apologies – they will use these against you later.
- Setting Limits on dangerous or bothersome behavior, by deciding when, where and how you meet to discuss issues. Getting assistance from authorities (such as police), advocates (such as lawyers), and supportive persons (family and friends) to help you decide how to set limits. Avoid harsh statements as an attempt to set limits, as they just increase the HCP’s bad behavior.
It’s better to learn about the predictable behavior patterns of HCPs and ways to respond constructively. If you think someone is an HCP, use this information to focus on ways of changing your own behavior, not theirs. Manage your relationship primarily by managing your own anxiety and your own responses.
Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. is the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California.
Gosh, Mike. Are you referring to Trump or Aaron? LOL *wink*
On a side note: I do like the rather snide opening paragraph.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/aug/18/tom-cruise-pulled-off-the-best-scientology-stunt-ever-if-only-he-could-really-levitate-paris-olympics
I’ve known HCPs. I lived with one, worked with one, and worked under one who was my immediate superior and for one who was head of the whole company. Connecting, analyzing, responding and setting limits didn’t work for me with any of them Dumping them did.
Perhaps in my younger years I had too limited patience or tolerance for this sort of person. Well, I have less now.
Back then, I tended to doubt myself and believe their behavior was my fault. I didn’t listen to my instincts which told me that something was off, because I was obviously trying, etc., and somehow they just couldn’t or wouldn’t understand that. Nothing ever got cleared up, no matter how I tried. My instincts told me something was wrong with them. I didn’t listen to my instincts.
Today I do. I listen to my gut instincts. Oh, do I listen!
My antennae are wide open to these toxic types. I don’t deal with them. I don’t have to. I can afford not to. In fact, back in the day, I COULDN’T afford not to and eventually had to dump them. I don’t fight with them. I pick up these vibes, and I just ease away. I ease on down the road.
Looking back, each time, it was the best thing to do. Life is too short, really. There are just too many terrific people to enjoy and know and learn from and hang with to waste time with creeps.
Very interesting article, Mike, and I think it has some good advice too.
No being perfectly fits in any category. But I think that most people have met other people who are sort of like this. I.E.,”The source of the problem, condition,or difficulty is always ‘elsewhere’.”
… I am wondering if this condition has any bearing on the origin of the theory of body thetans.
absolutely helpful
I have enjoyed and recommended the work of Bill Eddy for several years. He has a lot of short books on the subject of human predators and he uses simple language as this article shows.
He has dealt with the reality that courts and employers and often many groups are simply not prepared to deal with individuals and groups that act as the Scientology organizations do.
I highly recommend that anyone who has to deal with people at all check out the many books he has, read the descriptions of them and start with one that is interesting to you personally for your life.
I read the article, it seems to be devoid of semantic content. That is, it is just a description of a cultoid mind-game.
‘I can’t stand what you’re saying so you must be a HCP, GTFO.’
In Scientologese, HCP = Suppressive or PTS.
In his books Bill Eddy expands to describe the types of people he classifies as high conflict such as narcissists, sociopaths, borderline personality disorder and so on. He uses very clear language in my opinion.
Yes, that’s the hazard of non-clinical people using clinical terms. It can be a lazy way of responding to someone who opposes your ideology. It carries the weight of authority, and can be a substitute for making a specific argument. The COS’ often casual use of “SP” is a perfect example.
If there was a person in my life that was like this I would get them out of my life as soon as I could for my well-being. I feel like being around these types of people would be stressful.
It is stressful, i kniw as i have a family member like this and avoidance seems to be the only solution – as the article said they dont see things from others point of view and insist they are always correct and possibly sincerely believe it.
Avoidance for me is the only answer however again as the article said they try to monitir your evety move therefore ill get several messages daily asking a lot of questions.
Its never easy or pleasant avoiding a family member but some see thia as the only solution as all other attemots to be rational with such a person will only leed to frustration.
Where ever possible, I would get a person like this out of my life altogether.
Who needs this kind of hassle?
I wonder what outcome someone with HCP is looking for – are they seeking answers or is there no desired outcome? Is it conflict for the sake of it?
It’s got to be a stressful life that’s for sure.
Catherine, trying to understand it from the perspective of someone who isn’t like that is complicated.
They have a strong internal drive and a constant need to always be right by controlling others, even within their own family.
This condition leaves almost no room for empathy.
A key aspect is that their mind is always searching for flaws or mistakes in others. It’s not something rational that can be understood.
It stems from an internal void (motivated by who knows what) that they neither see nor can fill. Conflict, in any form, even mild, is fundamental to them.
It should also be noted that many people may seem to have these traits, but that doesn’t make them HCPs 100%. The presence of a certain degree of natural empathy should be the measure.
Catherine, don’t look for logic with people like this.
Here’s a quote from an Orson Welles film:
“And now I’m going to tell you about a scorpion. This scorpion wanted to cross a river so he asked the frog to carry him. “No”, said the frog, “no thank you. If I let you on my back, you may sting me, and the sting of the scorpion is death”. “Now where”, asked the scorpion, “is the logic in that? For scorpions always try to be logical. If I sting you, you will die. I will drown.” So the frog was convinced and allowed the scorpion on his back. But just in the middle of the river he felt a terrible pain and realized that, after all, the scorpion had stung him. “Logic!” cried the dying frog as he started under, bearing the scorpion down with him. “There is no logic in this!” “I know”, said the scorpion, “but I can’t help it – it’s my character.”
—Orson Welles as Mr. Arkadin.
Interesting article. I am a never in who is interested in undue influence and mind control tactics and how people are manipulated into believing 2 parts of an identity; political affiliations and religion.
I have no affiliation with any political affiliation or religion. That is the only way I can be safe from manipulating group think via propaganda
Especially now after seeing how people will fight to be right about defending beliefs.
Im interested in Scientology for this reason along with other cult’s both political and religious.
I’m the US – there is unresolved conflict by design between 2 political parties – red and blue
The country is divided a lot of damage has been done to the country. Democracy has been destroyed. I suspect another country is behind this
I’ve watched enough to conclude that Scientology creates high conflict personalities. The longer the person is in – the more they have been “programmed” and can’t rid this character defect easily. It takes a lot of work and self awareness along with the ability to remain neutral; seeking only the truth. That’s not easy.
Great article. However, it’s always better not to try to manage those who exhibit these traits if you haven’t understood their behavioral patterns, how they think, what triggers certain reactions, and therefore what is best to do.
They don’t respond to empathy.
The first step is definitely to recognize them and keep a conscious distance for your own well-being.