I had ended my series about Narcissism and then my old friend Kate Bornstein sent me this recent article from the New York Times.
I felt it added something interesting not covered in any of the previous posts — a study that shows narcissists don’t change much over time. It adds up with the other information and I felt it was a good addition to include here.
Narcissism Is a Trait That’s Hard to Shake, Study Says
Here’s how to recognize it and cope with the narcissist in your life
By Christina Caron
July 11, 2024
If you’re hoping that the narcissist in your life will change, a new study suggests that you may have to wait a very long time. And even then, you
might see only a small difference.
The research, which was published in the journal Psychological Bulletin on Thursday, analyzed 51 studies with more than 37,000 participants — mostly
from North America, Europe and New Zealand — to explore how narcissism changes over a person’s life span.
Although the researchers found that, on average, narcissism gradually declined as people aged, “the results show that this decline is not as large as one might hope,” said Ulrich Orth, the lead author of the paper and a professor of developmental psychology at the University of Bern in Switzerland.
The declines in narcissism took place over the span of decades.
“When you look back at how a close friend behaved 20 or 30 years earlier, you might notice the change,” Dr. Orth said. “Still, the average decline was at most of moderate size, so you wouldn’t expect that people’s level of narcissism changes fundamentally.”
The study also found that if people had higher levels of narcissism than others when they were children, then this was also usually true when they
reached adulthood.
The research featured subjects who were mostly white and lived in Western cultures, and a number of the studies included in the analysis had low
numbers of adults who were 65 or older, all of which makes it difficult to generalize the results.
Even so, the study illustrates that narcissism doesn’t just magically go away on its own, said Craig Malkin, the author of “Rethinking Narcissism.”
“When left to their own devices, people who are extremely narcissistic in this unhealthy way are not going to change,” said Dr. Malkin, a lecturer at
Harvard Medical School who was not involved in the research.
So what do you do if someone close to you is a narcissist? We asked several experts to help explain what narcissism looks like and how to cope with
people who display high levels of the trait.
First, what is narcissism?
In short, narcissism is a drive to feel special and unique.
To some extent, narcissistic traits exist in all of us, and a little narcissism isn’t a bad thing. In fact, research has shown that viewing ourselves
through rose-colored glasses, a concept known as self-enhancement, can help us cope with adversity.
Narcissism is most problematic when people become dependent on the feeling of superiority and seek it at all costs, displaying what Dr. Malkin calls the “triple E”: entitlement, exploitation and a lack of empathy.
A clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder can occur when those symptoms become fixed and persistent — they do not come and go. In addition, the disorder causes distress or interferes with relationships, work or other domains.
Christine Louis de Canonville, a recently retired psychotherapist in Dublin who has written extensively about narcissism, said that in her experience, the higher the levels of narcissism, the more people became “desperate, deluded, paranoid, angry, abusive and isolated.”
This makes it harder for the narcissist to “charm and impress others,” she said, which then makes it difficult for that person to elicit admiration.
What does narcissism look like?
Mental health experts have worked to develop a more nuanced understanding of narcissism, breaking it down into three main dimensions: agentic, antagonistic and neurotic.
Agentic narcissism is what most people think of when they imagine a narcissist. Those who score highly in this dimension are focused on status,
power and success.
“They see themselves as superior to others, crave admiration and have an inflated sense of self-importance,” Dr. Orth said. “They are typically very confident, assertive and want to be in leadership positions.”
Neurotic narcissism is characterized by hypersensitivity. Those who score highly in this dimension “constantly need validation and are very sensitive
to criticism and rejection,” Dr. Orth said. “They often experience significant shame, anxiety, emotional instability, insecurity and self-doubt.”
Those with antagonistic narcissism often view others as rivals. They tend to be competitive, hostile toward others and willing to put them down to feel
superior, Dr. Orth said. They also lack empathy and are exploitative. It is “the core of pathological narcissism,” Dr. Malkin said. “These are bullies.”
The studies in Dr. Orth’s analysis used a variety of scales or interviews to measure the three aspects of narcissism, and all three declined with age. It’s unclear why narcissism would reduce over time, but Sara Konrath, the director of the Interdisciplinary Program for Empathy and Altruism Research at Indiana University, has found in her own research that empathy increases as we grow older.
As people age, they are more likely to grow in maturity and responsibility for others through being a partner, a parent and an employee, she said. “People are also more likely to value positive and close relationships,” Dr. Konrath added.
How do you cope with a narcissist?
Narcissists are unlikely to improve much in the short term unless they pursue intensive treatment, the experts said, which can put a burden on their friends and family.
“Unfortunately, managing a difficult relationship is the best someone intimately involved with most narcissists can hope for,” said Elinor Greenberg, the author of “Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety.”
One strategy is to try what Dr. Malkin calls “catching good.” Narcissistic people are often looking for recognition, so he suggests praising them when they are being more cooperative or caring. By the same token, he said, in situations where you have to maintain contact with a narcissist — for example at family get-togethers or at work — you can punish negative behavior by withdrawing or remaining silent.
An approach that has gained popularity online, known as gray rocking, involves dealing with difficult people by limiting engagement and, essentially, becoming as dull as a gray rock. Try to stay neutral, keep your interactions brief and avoid sharing information that could potentially be turned against you, said Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and the author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.”
If someone is abusive, however, it may be best to leave the relationship — and depending on the situation, one may need to seek help to do so. Narcissism can be like a fire, Dr. Malkin said: “The longer it burns, the more it destroys. If you want to avoid damage, there has to be some intervention.”
This series has been incredibly illuminating, Mike. Thank you for putting a fine point on these sorts of individuals and their behavioral patterns. I’ll probably refer back to these blogs because they’re so thorough. Narcissism is far more complex than I could have imagined.
I hope your health is improving.
Thanks Mike – hope all is well. America feels different this week. I like it. Peace bro 🍺
Hubbard was a narcissist. No doubt. He insisted that “we” follow in His footsteps 100%. That was Standard Tehc, etc. etc..
“What would Ron do?” is a classic line that He wrote that helped each and every $cientologist go down that rabbit hole of emulating and adoring Ron by trying to be just like Him.
Even the Demented Maggot has followed His example and uses gestures etc. that Hubbard used. Ans soooo many peeps who leave the Kult have commented that now they are more themselves and have more empathy and less entitlement etc. etc..
So yeah, I personally believe that $cientology does bring out the narcissist in even the best-meaning of us and it’s probably why it’s so hard to get peeps to “see the light” and jump off that Bridge to Nowhere – I mean, when does ANY narcissist admit to being wrong? Some like a certain Mr. Rathbun revert back to type (if they ever actually left that postcode) and return to being classic textbook-type Narcissists and “we” don’t understand why.
Thanks so much for posting this series, Mike. I’ve been at war with a textbook malignant narcissist at my workplace for a couple of years and finally have gotten Management to move them on. And the place is so much better to work at. This is vital, real technology that does improve the lives of real people.
Scientology: A Haven for Narcissists
Scientology, a religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard in the mid-20th century, has been noted for its appeal to individuals with narcissistic tendencies. The structure, teachings, and practices of Scientology provide an environment where narcissists can thrive.
The Appeal of Scientology to Narcissists
Scientology’s doctrines emphasize self-improvement, personal power, and the attainment of a god-like state known as “Clear” and “Operating Thetan” (OT). These goals are highly appealing to narcissists, who are drawn to any ideology that promises to elevate them above others. The rigorous auditing process, which claims to clear individuals of negative influences and traumas, aligns with the narcissist’s desire for self-perfection and dominance over their environment.
Furthermore, Scientology promotes a hierarchical structure with clear paths to ascendancy, offering constant opportunities for validation and recognition. The organization’s emphasis on exclusivity and the possession of esoteric knowledge also caters to the narcissist’s need to feel special and superior.
HPM, I’m going to disagree with a lot of what you are saying here. Speaking strictly for myself, I got in looking for peace of mind and if able to find that, share it with others. scientology can certainly cater to one’s need to feel special and superior to others but not all of us felt the need to go down that path. There’s nothing particularly wrong with wanting to improve one’s lot in life but scientology promotes elitism and has a definite lack of empathy. No matter why someone gets in, narcissist or not, the bottom line is that the cult doesn’t deliver on what it promises and is nothing more than a world class con.
Thanks for sharing this article Mike. I found it well written, concise and insightful.
I have often wondered if narcissists have trouble dealing with boredom and as a result foist themselves on the rest of society in an effort to cope with that lack of skill. For many, boredom is a painful thing to have in their lives, but in reality it’s just part of the human condition. If people were more comfortable when boredom arises perhaps they wouldn’t be so destructive when relating with others. If it gets bad enough, it becomes pathological.
I’m certainly no expert in these matters but I would be interested in hearing what others here think.
Ms B. Haven, based on what I observed having two like this in the family, I don’t think boredom is a factor. On the contrary, they are quite active, always looking for a way to be in the spotlight or to control others. If they get bored (meaning nothing is happening), they will make something happen at others’ expense.
In the most extreme cases (which I have seen with my own eyes), they destroy things or situations without any sense of responsibility. In these cases, they have completely crossed the threshold into madness, although they are capable of twisting the obvious truth to justify themselves. They are neither manageable nor curable.
I think the key aspect (as you yourself mention) is that they are incapable of any empathy, and if they seem to show it, they are only pretending to manipulate you. They are incapable of it, and this handicap is a void they cannot fill and they see empaty actually as weakness and a tool to control others.
LMR, I probably didn’t make my point very well, but your response confirms my suspicions when you say “If they get bored (meaning nothing is happening), they will make something happen at others’ expense.”
To give a couple of extreme examples, take a yogi (or yogini) meditating in a cave for long periods of time. They are no doubt going to experience boredom in this solitary pursuit. I think that someone like this would be the furthest thing from a narcissist as one could be. Someone like this might be self-centered if they are doing it for themselves and their own benefit but they aren’t harming others. On the other hand, take someone like Hubbard (or any other cult leader). They can’t be by themselves. They HAVE to be the center of attention and they surround themselves with fawning followers. They can’t deal with the boredom that naturally arises when they are not in the spotlight. If anyone crosses or questions them, those folks are dealt with harshly. Very harshly. Hubbard, even in his declining years, had to be surrounded by devout followers even though he was on the lam.
Of course, there are people who tend to be introverted and might be more comfortable dealing with boredom in life than extroverts might be. That doesn’t mean that extroverts are necessarily narcissists. I believe narcissists come about because they can’t deal with boredom, it terrifies them, and they do everything in their power to put the lid on that at everyone else’s expense. Hence the pathological lack of empathy.
Thank you, Ms. B. Haven. Believe me when I say that I find this conversation very interesting. Since English is not my native language, I may have misunderstood.
Those who meditate usually have no perception of either boredom or self while ‘waiting.’ Meditation functions to create a detachment from certain identifying emotions. I say this because I have practiced it.
From my humble point of view, those who are narcissistic are born that way; it is very difficult to correct. They have the ability to adapt for self-preservation, and empathy is non-existent in them, even towards their children or other kids, though they use it to manipulate others. Boredom can be a point of stimulus but is always motivated by their true nature.
The lack of capacity for empathy.
I agree that boredom doesn’t seem to be an issue for them as they are constantly doing and searching for things that will make them shine .
As far as Scientology ‘s footprint, it creates narcissists in my view , because they cannot experience other’s emotions . The « no case on post « , do not talk about your case , which amounts to not saying anything about yourself . Over time , the Scientologist becomes unable to truly understand others and even starts to look down on a display of emotion or simply ignores it as it is at first forbidden and soon completely foreign to their way of thinking.
And that’s how you turn good meaning people into narcissists. They can turn around once out , if they were not narcissists in the first place , but that’s another story .
Marie, thank you for what you wrote. That from a spiritual perspective scn supports the ego (and thus narcissism) is something I have always maintained. The idea of having true “certainties” can definitely generate a narcissistic attitude. So many scientologists fall into this trap. But I am not certain that it permanently transforms them into this type of person. The natural absence of empathy is something else. Empathy has to do with awareness of one’s own emotions and those of others. If it is absent, you see no one except yourself (and what you think is pursuing you).
In other times they were called ‘people with no soul”.