This is an article written by Darius Cikanavicius on the PsychCentral site.
It’s no secret that a core narcissistic trait is the lack of empathy and care for others. However, people with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits (hereafter narcissists) do sometimes act in a caring manner, or try to appear this way. In this article, we will explore the common reasons behind this behaviour.
- Adulation
Regular people with healthy levels of empathy are generally helpful and thoughtful people. They genuinely care about and like helping others. Narcissists, on the other hand, dont have that motivation since they severely lack empathy. Yet, by being or appearing to be helping and caring, a narcissist can get others to thank them and cheer them on for being such a nice person. This is what motivates them: validation that they are wonderful.
Whether they actually help others or how these people really feel is irrelevant to the narcissist. What matters is getting narcissistic supply, and getting it sometimes involves acting in a helping and caring manner. The problem is, since they don’t actually care about others or the real problem, their help and care is often not very good or can even be harmful.
- Fame
Being a good person, or rather appearing as one publicly, can generate fame and boost a narcissists public image. Since narcissists are very interested in social status and influence, they use acts of generosity to appear noble and kind.
Some examples of this are narcissists who donate their money, goods, or time. A regular person receiving public acknowledgment for their good acts is secondary, but for a narcissist its the main goal.
Participating in a public photoshoot or making an article or announcement in regard to their generous deed go viral is what they are actually interested in.
- Connections
Another reason why narcissists may try to be helpful and generous is to build up their social influence and the number of their social connections. Remember, narcissists see others as objects, not as human beings, so everyone in their social sphere is seen as something to use.
By giving something to others, they get opportunities to forge new social connections and, by extent, meet even more, new people which means even more potential sources of narcissistic supply and other resources.
- Sense of Superiority
Narcissists may appear confident, but their actual sense of worth and self-esteem is fake. Its only conditional: I feel good about myself if I feel superior than others if others admire me if others agree with me.
And so on. One of the common ways narcissists manage their shaky sense of self-esteem is by comparing themselves to others and convincing themselves that they are better. So, by being or appearing as giving and helpful, they can feel superior to others.
- Keeping Others in Debt
Narcissists sometimes help others and do favors because it gives them power over those whom they help. If someone helps you, you feel grateful and willing to help them in the future. This is normal and a good thing.
However, one thing you don’t want in your life is to feel in debt to a narcissist because they will abuse this power dynamic, without exception.
They will string you along either by using it as leverage or by demanding more than their initial favor was worth. They will remind you forever about how much they helped you when you were in need, and so on. This induces feelings of guilt in their target.
- Professional Power over Others
Narcissists seek positions where they have power over people in need. That’s why you can find many of them in fields like teaching, self-help, religion, politics, law, mental health, medical care, and so on. They prey on people who are in need. They abuse and perpetuate systemic and institutional issues to do that, too.
By being in a position of authority, legitimately or not, they can be perceived as moral, noble, caring, giving, competent and feel better than others. But it doesn’t matter to them that they hurt other people, because, after all, others are just objects to serve their needs.
Bottom Line
Narcissists can sometimes be helpful and caring. However, more often than not, they only pretend to have these qualities. Moreover, even when they act giving and helping, they are not motivated by empathy because they severely lack it, and as a result, their help is often not very productive.
Narcissists are motivated by feeling superior and expanding their power, and so the only things that matter when helping others are receiving adulation, fame, influence, opportunities, notoriety, and other resources.
They don’t actually care about others because to them other people are just things to use.
Refuse to be treated as a thing.
It is possible that many Still Ins are not essentially narcissists. But org staffs can and do foster narcissism in their publics. For 25 years I was a public. I was never staff. The staff of my little org continually said wonderful things to me. They noticed and admired changes of wardrobe, make-up, jewelry, hair. I was told I was smart; I was told I was stunning, frequently given little compliments about this or that. I was assured that my presence at the org mattered a great deal; I was important, I was valuable.
This is called love-bombing.
I am, was not, nor have I ever been anything remotely close to being a celebrity. But the staff of my little org treated me like one. Truth.
Some more truth; love bombing can be addicting. It was for me. In a wholly unconscious way.
I had no clue what was going on. No clue that the “flowing” of admiration to public was Standard Operating Procedure. Here I was the recipient of all this, continually… just for showing up.
I liked it. I began to believe it. I wanted MORE of it. More praise, more admiration. “Hey, I must be really something, huh? Let me be MORE of what they like so much”. I became narcissistic, NEEDING and EXPECTING the admiration from them. Convinced that it was justified; Of course it had to be true, or why else would they say such wonderful things (and they were good at it; no phoney flattery, no overdoing it; clever and subtle compliments and acknowledgements).
In brief, in not too long a time, I became ADDICTED to love-bombing. A narcissist.! With NO self awareness of being addicted to this, or how narcissistic it was to expect continual compliments, etc.
And people, I didn’t even HAVE a lot of money, and out of a small circle of my small business related aquaintances NO ONE knew who I was. I certainly wasn’t a celeb; no way was I a whale. But I got the love bombing treatment anyway, continually, for the time I was there.
So! if the staff of my little org could consider ME love-bomb worthy, , can you just IMAGINE how clobbered over the head love-bombed REAL celebrities and whales are?
Years later after I left I read online about how love-bombing of public by Scientology Class V org staff is just WHAT THEY DO!
And when I read this I was able to have a good laugh (at myself, for believing my own publicity, LOL) because by then I thoroughly understood that their “affinity” and professed admiration for me could (and did) magically evaporate into thin air once it was conclusively determined that I was “disaffected” and as such could not be “handled”.
its like this: when you’re IN, you’re wonderful, and when you’re out, you’re not 🙂
I was glad to understand the phoniness of my relationship with and to them. It was a big win, actually. A relief. I didn’t have to feel guilty for leaving them. I didn’t have to worry that I had hurt them!
They had never really liked me. Liking and admiring me were merely part of their job. Thir “hat”.
Pretty cold blooded on their part but I’m glad I got to see it all for what it was. I’m glad not to be a narcissist any more!
I can see the title to your tell all book, “I was a Scn-Made Narcissist.” I’d buy that book. What you said was all true. Not only have I seen it, but I have had it happen to me took, just the way you said. And LRH started the whole arrogance thing when he said stuff like, “We are the only ones with the tech to save this sector of the universe” and similar things. And by labeling Non Scns with the pejorative of “wog” LRH was planting the seeds of arrogance in us. That is one of my big pet peeves about Scns, is that they are arrogant. I was arrogant too when I was in. I’m working every day to shed that arrogance.
Thanks, Cindy. Yes, I was arrogant too. I totally agree on all your points.
In fact, I cringe, thinking back on the arrogance I felt (and sometimes displayed) toward those who weren’t Scientologists.
Now, in my own defense, this arrogance was instilled in me as part of the love bombing. I certainly didn’t come IN to Scientology believing I was a superior being, a “big thetan”. Just the opposite in fact; I was dreadfully insecure, mostly as a reaction to a lot of losses thur death and stupid decisions I had made about these losses, etc. By the time I got in, my self confidence / self esteem levels were zero, and it must have been painfully obvious to them how pathetically I appreciated their approval. Ripe, low hanging fruit 🙂 And then, only 20 years later 🙂 I just knew I was the shit 🙂
No doubt you didn’t go into Scientology a narcissist either. We were just low hanging fruit, that’s all.
Yep, we were low hanging fruit. And then later after the love bombing, we were the shit. LOL
Yes, it IS funny, isn’t it 🙂 Well, at least we can laugh at ourselves 🙂
Yes, being able to laugh at yourself is a good thing.
Adolf Hitler (and his cronies) said that the German People were superior to everyone else.
Yes and look what that got us: WWII.
It is possible that many Still Ins are not essentially narcissists. But org staffs can and do foster narcissism in their publics. For 25 years I was a public. I was never staff. The staff of my little org continually said wonderful things to me. They noticed and admired changes of wardrobe, make-up, jewelry, hair. I was told I was smart; I was told I was stunning, frequently given little compliments about this or that. I was assured that my presence at the org mattered a great deal; I was important, I was valuable.
This is called love-bombing. Back then I was not familiar with this term.
I am, was not, nor have I ever been anything remotely close to being a celebrity. But the staff of my little org treated me like one. Truth.
Some more truth; love bombing can be addicting. It was for me. In a wholly unconscious way.
I had no clue what was going on. No clue that the “flowing” of admiration to to me as a public Scientologist and member of their org was Standard Operating Procedure. All I had to do was show up, and…wow! I was SOMEBODY. (They were good at this, by the way. Never obvious.)
I liked it. I began to believe it. I wanted MORE of it. MORE praise, MORE admiration. “Hey, I must be really something, huh? Let me be MORE of what they like so much”.
I became narcissistic, NEEDING and EXPECTING the admiration from them. Convinced that it was justified; Of course it had to be true, or why else would they say such wonderful things (and again they were good at it; no phoney flattery, no overdoing it; clever and subtle compliments and acknowledgements).
In brief, in not too long a time, I became ADDICTED to love-bombing. A narcissist.! With NO self awareness of being addicted to this, or how narcissistic it was to expect continual compliments, etc.
And people, I didn’t even HAVE a lot of money, and out of a small circle of my small business related aquaintances NO ONE knew who I was. I certainly wasn’t a celeb; no way was I a whale. But I got the love bombing treatment anyway, continually, for the time I was there.
So! if the staff of my little org could consider ME love-bomb worthy, , can you just IMAGINE how clobbered over the head love-bombed REAL celebrities and whales are?
Years later after I left I read online about how love-bombing of public by Scientology Class V org staff is just WHAT THEY DO!
And when I read this I was able to have a good laugh (at myself, for believing my own publicity, LOL) because by then I thoroughly understood that their “affinity” and professed admiration for me could (and did) magically evaporate into thin air once it was conclusively determined that I was “disaffected” and as such could not be “handled”.
its like this: when you’re IN, you’re wonderful, and when you’re out, you’re not 🙂
I was glad to understand the phoniness of my relationship with and to them. It was a big win, actually. A relief. I didn’t have to feel guilty for leaving them. I didn’t have to worry that I had hurt them!
They had never really liked me. Liking and admiring me were merely part of their job. Thir “hat”.
Pretty cold blooded on their part but I’m glad I got to see it all for what it was. I’m glad not to be a narcissist any more!
“They will remind you forever how much they helped you when you were in need “
Very telling indeed and shameful .
“Another reason why narcissists may try to be helpful and generous is to build up their social influence and the number of their social connections. Remember, narcissists see others as objects, not as human beings, so everyone in their social sphere is seen as something to use.” This apparently describes all collectivist leaders, including Hitler.
This also explains why wives are often “thrown under the bus”. (I’m speaking about both LRH and DM.)
Historical Note: Once Roem was useless to Hitler he was going to be taken out. The Night Of The Long Knives was inevitable.
As I read the 1st point about ADULATION I kept thinking – is this what keeps the Whales pouring their money into such a corrupt/harmful/hateful/lying organization?
Surely their “feelings” have overcome their “due diligence” as all they see is the adulation attached to their names (it’s on a trophy) as opposed to their names being ridiculed for funding hate and abuse.
The total or near-total incapacity for empathy is no joke. It should be taken seriously. We’re talking about serious personality disorders. The person in question is not someone who can be cured or helped, nor do they want to be. This must never be underestimated.
Thank you for publishing these articles on narcissists. Some traits I was unaware of.
I really enjoy these articles they give a lot of useful information about the personality traits of narcissists and what they are capable of doing. I think thi specific article in particular helped me understand the narcissists in cults and how they run them and what they get from it.
The article brings alot of traits into veiw what many people may not see. This could very much help someone is a cult or just in an abusive relationship. If I saw or read this when I was in my previous relationship this would have gotten me out sooner and helped me realize what was going on.
Great article as always. Reading this you are able to ser alot of these traits in DM with Scientology and many other cult leaders and their cults. Reading this I thought of DM but also Keith Raniere of the NXIVM cult.