This is the headline scientology has on their website announcing the “new” org in Orlando.
A STAR BURSTS IN “THE CITY BEAUTIFUL” AS A RIBBON FALLS ON THE NEW CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY
Complete gibberish. And it goes on for paragraphs, starting with this:
A “Magic Kingdom” of a metropolitan region where enchantment is routine, the surreal is real and stars are wished upon, the “Theme Park Capital of the World” is entirely unique. Home to wonderlands such as Walt Disney World, SeaWorld Orlando, Universal Studios and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter among many more, Orlando’s massive playground draws fun-loving, thrill-seeking tourists of all ages from across the globe.
I guess they actually think this is clever? It has NOTHING to do with the “ideal org” off the beaten path of the main attractions. Shermanspeak goes into hyperdrive describing this mausoleum as a “shining star,” already twinkling in the Church’s growing interstellar galaxy.
This “interstellar galaxy” must only be visible from the front porch of eternity. Because everyone else sees the shrinking world of scientology, with fewer and fewer missions and orgs, less and less people at each event and newly opened empty buildings.
But they reserved the most nauseating Shermanspeak for the great man himself. I wonder if he truly thinks he sounds erudite or magisterial rather than pretentious and absurd?
In commemorating the special occasion, Mr. David Miscavige, the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, reflected: “Beyond all else for which your city is renowned, there is still another way to spin this tale and it follows from a different brand of magic. Because with the fall of that inaugural ribbon, a new Church of Scientology arises and with it a kingdom of spiritual freedom where every citizen reigns.”
And then came this rather odd admission (who knows if the facts are accurate, but let’s accept them at face value):
Illicit drug use is a primary concern in the Greater Orlando area, as it is in every community, large or small in Florida, where 85% of the nation’s oxycodone pills are made. Through the Church-supported “Truth About Drugs” international education initiative, Scientologists have been on the front lines enlightening over a half-million youth and adults in Orlando alone, on the dangers of drug abuse.
In attempting to be dramatic, they admit the biggest org in the world (Flag) and the biggest Class V ideal, St Hill size org in Tampa, plus the ideal org in Miami are failing miserably. For these people who are saving the planet from everything, including specifically the “scourge of drugs”, they are doing a particularly poor job if 85% of the nation’s oxycodone pills are made in their backyard… What happened to the most effective anti-drug campaign on earth? Saving this planet my ass.
And this one was just plucked from thin air because it sounded good — nobody has seen Volunteer Ministers in Central Florida until Flag sent a few to pick up trash a couple of weeks ago so they would have some photos to put up in the org:
Embodying their well-known slogan “Something Can Be Done About It,” Florida’s famous Scientology Volunteer Ministers are a familiar sight around Central Florida in their signature yellow T-shirts, especially during the summer hurricane season. They have been helping to repair hurricane swept homes and ruined lives.
As has become routine for these events, the “blue-ribbon dignitaries” on hand were a Who’s Who of Unknowns to share the stage with the Chairman of the Bored. This time they included a woman “of” the Florida School Boards Association; an At-Risk Youth Educator, a Lieutenant of the “US Armed Forces” (Army? Air Force? Navy? Marines? Coast Guard?); and last and perhaps least, a Pastor. It must be getting embarrassing for the leader of leaders to be sharing the stage with people like this. They cannot even persuade a local Mayor, any politician, Police Chief or religious leader to come out and be seen with them.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. This is no Mayor of San Francisco or US Congressman for NY…
And as mentioned in the last event — the “photo op” is strictly forced perspective “short man step forward, everyone else stay where you are,” and even that didn’t solve the problem. Applebox tech is needed here.
The turnout was pegged at 2,000. Everyone knows how over-inflated their numbers ALWAYS are. My estimate from the photos would be no more than 500. And this is with Flag and Tampa org basically owning the whole event. What a poor show. They can’t even get 1000 people to drive 90 minutes to pay homage to Dear Leader.
You can see the photo of the ribbon yanking — dominated by Flag whales exclusively. I am not sure there is anyone from Orlando on that stage at all other than the 2 EDs, one of whom appears to be a recent Flag public recruit.
All around, another pig’s ear presented as a silk purse — and a full set of finest Corinthian leather luggage and an all-expenses paid vacation to the Magic Kingdom. Notwithstanding all that has come before, and in light of what we have seen here today, it’s a monumentally incredible watershed moment that transcends time itself and transports us through the barn doors of eternal happiness to a state of grammatical fatigue, not to mention complete adrenal and bank account exhaustion.
I noticed an ad for the new Scientology building on the side of a transit bus in Winter Park. Can we say “They’re desperate!”
Hilarious writing Mike!
As of February they were renting out office space in that building: http://www.loopnet.com/Listing/850-Courtland-St-Orlando-FL/11656438/
So, how much reno’s were done?
note the pathetic public transit score for that street.
Somewhat walkable, minimal transit available. Sounds like a place that will be rocking with people –NOT!
[The new Morge represents]”a kingdom of spiritual freedom where every citizen reigns.” I guess that makes Davey Boy the only citizen, since there can only be ONE Dwarfenführer
Well, the Proportion distortion placement and shoop failed. If you look closely, the guy in the middle is clearly shortest, and his face obviously doesn’t match the surrounding body. Other than the definite line around it, its lighting and shadowing are “off”. Yet another technician off to the hole, I expect…. And that one was the best still left slaving away.
It’s a shame COB couldn’t visit any of the amusement parks due to the height restrictions on the rides.
And he’s afraid of riding around in small boxes with little wheels at high speed.
*snort*!
Dang, I was waiting for the minimum height requirement for amusement rides and got beat out.
Need to fix a few of those absurd Sherman quotes…
“A star bursts in the city beautiful. Well, it bursted into tears, that is.”
“…there is still another way to spin this tale and it follows from a different brand of evil. Because with the fail of that inaugural ribbon, a new church of $cientology arises and with it a kingdom of spiritual enslavement where every citizen suffers.”
There. Much more appropriate.
I bet my lucky stars that daveypoo’s head is photoshopped to be bigger in the unknown local leaders group pic!
“Notwithstanding all that has come before, and in light of what we have seen here today, it’s a monumentally incredible watershed moment that transcends time itself and transports us through the barn doors of eternal happiness to a state of grammatical fatigue, not to mention complete adrenal and bank account exhaustion.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
haha!! you do sherman better than sherman!
Don’t laugh. Super Truper Dave Cabbage Patch doll is worth millions. While he’lis minions working to death, he laughs all the way to the bank.
Dan Sherman’s still got it! An “interstellar galaxy?” That’s goddamned beautiful, man. I mean, it actually took me a few seconds to wonder, what other kind of galaxy is there? Brilliant.
He’ll go down in history as The Bard of Hemet.
More like, The Barb of Hemet…
“…a Who’s Who of Unknowns…” Mike, LOL!
I was unknown once. Still am.
YES.
“Saving the planet my ass.” -well my ass ain’t been saved yet, so I guess I’m gonna float around…. I’ll report what I see when I get back.
Betcha don’t see much that’s worthwhile!
Well maybe you can save your ass with Preparation lrH.
I certainly use Preparation lrH! I like the searing pain.
I finally remembered the phrase we used long ago to describe political soapbox gibberish: Razzle dazzle. I think Shermanspeak and razzle dazzle are one and the same.
You said it, jim! Check out the lyrics to the song, “Razzle Dazzle” from Bob Fosse’s musical “Chicago”. Call it Shermanspeak or Razzle Dazzle or whatever you like, when you don’t have any talent, or don’t have much of anything to say…well, Kander & Ebb tell you in this song EXACTLY what to do!
A couple of days ago in Tony’s blog a head count was posted – 893 sheep.
892 sheep and one 4′-13″ piglett …………… squeelin’ like only a piglett can.
To: Newcomer
From: David Miscavige COB RTC
Re: how tall I really am
Dammit, Newcomer, get it right! I am not 4’13”, I am 5’2″! But that is all immaterial as I am also the high Exalted Ruler of The MEST Universe! So watch yourself or else I will shrink you down to 4’6″!
Then I will be a bigger being than you!
Oh, and I do not squeal like a pig! I roar like a lion!
ML
Dave.
What does ML mean in scio lingo? (Somehow I doubt it means “much love”….)
yup – Much Love.
one of the bigger ironies in this guhlaaxy.
Definitely ironic!
I thought it might be a naval term or an abbreviation for something Elron said.
ML is one of the ways in which Scientologists end written communication. Other ways are ‘Best’ and ARC which stands for Affinity, Reality, and Communication.
The letters mean, in this case, that I am in ARC with you or in agreement and friendship with you. If we were mad at each other for some reason, that would be an ARC break which is written ARCX.
It does mean “much love”, Miss Q. Its the Scn Cult’s ubiquitous complimentary close.
Five foot two
Eyes of blue
Hair plugs and high blond hairdo
Has anybody seen DM?
John Loeb shoe
Fake tan too
Oh what Botox treatments do
Has anybody seen DM?
Five foot two
Eyes of blue
Oh what damage she could do
Has anybody seen SM?
Naaaah! Shelly’s GOT to be taller than Dwarfenführer. I’m convinced she HAD to be disappeared when he discovered he couldn’t beat her up when they were alone and he wasn’t protected by his minions. Avreerage height for a woman would put her about 5’4″, I believe, and the pictures I remember had her scowling like “Don’t mess with ME.” One Scary Dudette!
SO MUCH damage, Ohio B! Which is the leverage she has over him. He HAS to keep her decently there. He cannot kill her, let her die by starvation or physical or mental torture. She HAS to remain in good shape or else his ecclesiastical ass is grass.Way too many people are aware of Shelley’s banishment, including her famous friends Leah Remini and the very articulate Mr Rinder. Can you IMAGINE what an Aftermath show that would make if it got out that Shelley was being abused? It would be the death blow to the cult. Shelley is MUCH better off exactly where she is – whether she knows it or not. Its very likely she has no idea though. My 2 cents.
Feel free to disagree with what I’ve said, if you do, because I’m not in the least attached to being right about this.
Do they need sheering?
Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-s…
That’s baaaa…d!
🙂
I totally agree with you Aqua, on your assessment of the Shelley situation. I just hadn’t considered it before. As a ‘never -in’, I sometimes overlook the unique perspective that comes from having your mind worked over by the CoS. Great post.
Haha, Mike…. you’re enjoying yourself….??
and…..”the City Beautiful”??? Have any of them even been to Orlando? Outside the theme parks …it’s an armpit.
Sans deodorant.
“Sans deodorant.” Funk band.
That’s the name of a BAND? Are you serious? I’m not up on this stuff. Will have to Google it. God help you if you’re pulling my leg, Surfer 🙂
Doesn’t it sound like a Funk Band? And yes, Aquamarine, I’m pulling your leg.
You’ll suffer for this 🙂
Beat me. Hit me. Hurt me & make me write bad checks.
LOL!
When Walt Disney started buying land for his Florida Theme Parks everywhere was filled with guano, so he bought acreage very cheap. Now scientologists are rewriting the history.
And he kept any reference to Disney secret to prevent land prices from skyrocketing.
Toronto’s presence is all but gone. The Mission on Broadview is “permanently closed”. The big building is in shambles. They’ve moved from College, the signage is gone and they’ve allegedly moved to an unmarked bldg on King Street East and Berkeley. No foot traffic and no signage. I guess Cambridge is it for the die hards.
Seriously?
What ever happened to 696 Yonge Street? Where’s the CLO?
…
SO staff quarters served a mean shredded american cheese on wonder bread sandwich as the one meal of the day at 3 AM, back in the early 80’s.
Puke.
That building is boarded up and not used. They did move down to 2 College St. for about a year or so and now they’ve moved to King St. E.
Thanks!
Do you know if the CLO there, or did that move to Cambridge? Cambridge appears to be the new name for the old Kitchener org. …. and there was some hoopla years back about an Advanced Org going in… wow…. must be such a huge demand for scn …
haha!
I think they moved that to Guelph, ON if I’m not mistaken and that is where Ontarians Against Scientology were protesting. I think Tony Ortega wrote about it on his blog but there are some news articles about it. The rented a place at 40 Baker Street in Guelph to coordinate operations. So they say.
so…….OSA Can is now located on “Baker Street”?
haha.
cheezy deluded ratty little squirrels chasing their tails.
..that’s how scientology tries to generate power…chasing its tail.
Thanks!
They don’t have tax free/charitable status here so not much money going in.
I tried to do a quick search about the 85% statement from Miscavige. It appears that Florida wasn’t producing 85% of the oxycodone pills. Doctors were prescribing 85% of the oxy pills. That statistic, however, seems to date from 2011. At least according to the governor’s website, the numbers have fallen drastically in the last year(s). From the governor’s website: “In 2010, Florida was known as the place for criminals to come and get their pills. Ninety of the nation’s top 100 Oxycodone purchasing doctors and 53 of the nation’s top 100 Oxycodone purchasing pharmacies were located in Florida. Over the last year, the number of doctors has been reduced by 85 percent, down to 13, and the number of pharmacies has declined by 64 percent, down to just 19. In addition, the number of pain clinics has declined from 800 to 508 clinics in the state.” I’m not sure any of this matters, except to point out that the “facts” used in the speech do not seem to be current statistics.
Oxycontin addiction morphed into heroin addiction because the price of the former skyrocketed making it unable to be afforded by most people. Heroin does the same job and is much cheaper.
The addict bounces back and forth based on the availability of the two drugs. There has been some effort to make Oxycontin safer. Not so with heroin.
Since 2003, overdoses, primarily from Oxycontin and heroin, have exceeded motor vehicle deaths as the leading cause of injury-related death in Massachusetts.
Between 2002 and 2007, the state lost 78 soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq. In the same time period, 3,265 residents died of opiate-related overdoses.
The drug problem is fueled by the users. The Cartels satisfy the demand.
Well, in that case, they can just take the advice they themselves gave to the crack and heroin-addicted minorities back in the ’80s courtesy of Nancy Reagan: “Just say no”. That’s always worked well.
A phrase people should apply to Scientology.
Now, Chuckles, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush! If Miscavige finds out about that, he’ll just say ” And here is absolute proof that Scientology is making a difference here in the Orlando area”.
So let’s not encourage him .
Dan Sherman never could have made it in the world of advertising. So he has to settle for being Miscavige’s muppet.
Oh that’s what you mean by Shermanspeak! LOL
🙂 Yes!
My goodness me, the bs dressing on the Shermanspeak word salad is always a marvel to behold. Another great example of the twisted tongue of Scientology as it struts its stuff in ever decreasing circles.
I got a real hoot out of Miscavige’s photoshoot though… kind of looks like a school audition shoot for an amateur remake of Gilligan’s Island. “Now, this is a tale of our castaways…”
Can I be the professor?
Let me guess. Episode one: L Ron Hubbard visits the island.
Isn’t that the one he tried to blow up in WW2?
Sank a couple of fish though.
Yes, when the great sailor and navigator Hubtard was operating a ship out of California he sailed South and saw an island he thought must be Japan so he opened fire…
He was looking for more fish to fry.
LOL!
Totally love your last sentence!!
Love it. I was just trying to explain Shermanspeak to my husband. Now I have a fresh new example and your wonderful simulation. “Barn doors of eternal happiness.”. That’s a good one!
Applebox tech LOL!
I’m convinced that Dan Sherman has been replaced by someone whose first language is NOT English. Perhaps a Volgon poet? Google translate did not help.
5
BunkerPoints for the use of ‘erudite’, Mike! One of my favorite words.‘Illicit drug use is a primary concern in the Greater Orlando area, as it is in every community, large or small in Florida, where 85% of the nation’s oxycodone pills are made. Through the Church-supported “Truth About Drugs” international education initiative, Scientologists have been on the front lines enlightening over a half-million youth and adults in Orlando alone, on the dangers of drug abuse.’
Does that mean there may be a billboard on the highway? Naw, numbers pulled from the ether, most likely.
OMG, OMG, OMG! I was trying to think of the correct descriptor for this language. It’s written by a “Volgon Poet”! Now I understand why I want to tear my face off when I read it!
Damn…..spilt my tea with that last sentence. If the Shermanator could sneak a peak over here he’d be so proud of you!
As an aside, I note that I’ve not been getting your post notifications for a little while now and wondered why that might be as I certainly didn’t cancel them. Not a big problem as I’m fully proficient with Google these days and always catch up anyway, but thought I’d mention it in case it wasn’t just me.
“…through the barn doors of eternal happiness…” LOL…and into the sewer pipe of future accomplishment.
THE “DUPE” IN THE WHITE SUIT….Gotta be …Air Force!
If Cabbage can’t get any elected officials to be seen with him, why do they bother with the photo?
Maintaining the farce is showing more about the sorry state of $cn, than dropping the photo shoot.
“…complete adrenal & bank account exhaustion.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Scientology.
“Notwithstanding all that has come before, and in light of what we have seen here today, it’s a monumentally incredible watershed moment that transcends time itself and transports us through the barn doors of eternal happiness to a state of grammatical fatigue, not to mention complete adrenal and bank account exhaustion.”
LOL Mike, you got it down! Better than Shermanspeak.
OMG, yeah, I’m on the floor with this!
the “photo op” is strictly forced perspective “short man step forward, everyone else stay where you are,” and even that didn’t solve the problem.
They should just keep a Miscavige layer in Photoshop and re-size the people on the non-Miscavige layer. It would work best if he weren’t even there for the photo of the background people. He’d like that.
It’s been asked before, I’ll ask again:
DAVE, WHERE ARE YOUR CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS; SPECFICALLY, YOUR BFF ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Great question!
Miscavige must be pissed that the useful idiot celebrities have decided to fire a few brain cells and distance themselves from scientology.
You know, I’ve been asking myself that question for a long time. They seem to be keeping very low (or non-existent) profiles. I wonder…..!!!
Yes, right! Where have all the celebrities gone? LONG time passing 🙂
Yo TC, JT, KellyGal, JennaGal, LizzieMossGal, Krusty, YO!
Wassup witcha bad selves?
Time for y’all to do the right thing now, you hear?
Come on out frum where y’all been hidin’ and stand up witcha proud lil COB homey when he’s busy yankin’ them there ribbons!
(Its fun to write like this way btw.)
Well, we did have Jenna Elfman and Anne Archer at the Nashville ribbon yanking in 2009.
They were yanking right up there with the Toxic Dwarf.
True, Alcoboy, but that was 9 years ago, and DM has to be wondering, “What have they yanked for me lately?”
Do we really want to explore that?
We really don’t 🙂
No…we really do! And that’s final!!!
Here is a view of where the Orlando org is hidden: https://www.google.com/maps/place/850+Courtland+St,+Orlando,+FL+32804/@28.6035342,-81.3942836,438m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m5!3m4!1s0x88e7708dd81fdf83:0x6f68685bab360d24!8m2!3d28.6036098!4d-81.3929081
Here is street view from the street, that has ZERO foot traffic.
https://www.google.com/maps/place/850+Courtland+St,+Orlando,+FL+32804/@28.6038646,-81.3931236,3a,75y,90h,90t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1szZa1qrx971eKjRaWlZRU7A!2e0!7i13312!8i6656!4m5!3m4!1s0x88e7708dd81fdf83:0x6f68685bab360d24!8m2!3d28.6036098!4d-81.3929081
Just got done looking at both images. It is hidden. But they don’t have new people anyway.
But what about their imaginary friends?
Oh, for sure! I dated one for awhile.
How that pan out for you both?
It was a let down.
Must have used Scientology hey?
Wynski, the Google street view says it all.
I will predict that not one single tourist flying into Orlando will ever sign up for a course in this pathetic mortuary.
Sad diminutive little man presides over his shrinking pool kingdom on his path to his cult’s eventual destruction made possible by his own hand, lack of basic humanity and LRH dictated inflexible change.
His sad end, if not in prison, will be like Charles Foster Kane’s, isolated with the Hemet Sea Org his lonely ghost town Xanadu. No one lamenting his passing except in relief.
What will be his “Rosebud?”
“Shelley” . . . . .
Possibly the apple crate he used to stand tall , and see eye to eye with Ron’s belly button.
What will be his “Rosebud?”
Tom Cruise.
Miscavige may be a pillow biter in a federal penitentiary before he has his Rosebud moment. There is a joke in there, but my mind is too clean.
The dildo he sent Monique.
Yeah, how’s that working for her?