I received this from a reader and I felt it deserved a wider audience.
She has many insightful observations, and it is most gratifying to read that the exposure of abuses in scientology reaches a wider audience of victims, something Leah and I were both hoping would be an outcome of our work.
As a Domestic Abuse Survivor, Leah Remini’s “Scientology and the Aftermath’ Is So Relatable,
It’s Scary.
Binge-watching the Scientology series, I was shocked to recognize myself and the abusive situation that I had lived through in the stories of Scientologists who had escaped their religious cult. I am a survivor of domestic abuse and I was astonished at how well I related to what scientologists had experienced during and after their relationship with their church.
I had never realized the manipulation and techniques used in an abusive domestic relationship are so similar to those used in a cult. Episode after episode, I saw people asking themselves, “How could I be so stupid?”, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?”, and complaining that others outside of their situation don’t understand how someone could have believed in this or why they stayed so long. The scary truth is that abusive relationships and cults look pretty damn good at the beginning; the tiny cracks don’t slowly start to appear until you have already been sucked in and have committed yourself. Abusive relationships and cults get you to join by offering what you are seeking, and love-bombing the hell out of you. Your abuser/cult will shower you with praise, gifts, and rewards, tell you what you want to hear, fill any void in your life, and promise to make your life better. Others will tell you how wonderful the abuser/cult is, so you doubt yourself and your intuition if you see a glimpse of a red flag.
Once you are in and thinking your life is wonderful, you don’t realize you are living inside a Skinner box of constant rewards and punishments intended to shape your behavior to the abuser’s/cult’s liking and way of thinking. Eventually, you realize that what you bought into was a facade; you are the victim of a bait and switch and are now trapped. Once the cracks become big enough that you see some of the lies and start to recognize the reality that you are a part of, the abuser/cult threatens to have your world come crashing down around you and make your life a living hell if you leave. The pattern seen in abusive relationships is that the abuse becomes worse when you try to leave. Logically, that should force people to run, but logic is not the primary way of thinking in an abusive relationship, fear and consequences are. Anxieties kick in: “How will I support myself?”, “Will he really take my children away?” I always think of the line from “The Hotel California”: “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” I “checked out” of my marriage long before I was actually brave enough to file for divorce and leave. But you can never completely leave, as there are often financial and family ties and a permanent imprint on your psyche of the negative effects of this relationship. For Scientologists, if they leave they are completely cut off from any family members still in the cult. And those who leave become enemies of Scientology; they are harassed, followed, publicly denigrated, and their reputation is destroyed. They can leave Scientology, but it never leaves them alone. This post-separation abuse also occurs in many high conflict divorce and custody battles. Harassment, monitoring, stalking, false allegations of neglectful or improper parenting, as well as continued legislative abuse can keep you tied up in an emotionally exhaustive, financially draining relationship with your ex for many, many years.
I was heralded as a wonderful wife and mother until my spouse suspected that I was going to leave him. A switch flipped inside his brain. I was now the enemy. In his eyes, I suddenly turned into someone who had never contributed to the family and was trying to turn his children against him. He wrote document after document to the judge, arbitrator, court-appointed psychologist, and guardian ad litem detailing my every “crime” against him. Rewriting my contribution to our family history into something malicious and unrecognizable.
Working outside the home and being the primary caregiver of our children was considered by my ex-husband as, to use a Scientology term, “free-loading.” I had used “his” money, I hadn’t contributed as much financially as he had, and therefore I deserved no alimony and much less than half of our marital assets. In Scientology, members of their elite group, the Sea Organization, have worked for the church/cult day in, day out, often starting as a child or teenager, for very little pay. When choosing to leave Scientology, however, they are considered “free-loaders” who now owe the church an enormous debt for basic food and housing that must be paid. Many people are locked into abusive relationships and Scientology because they don’t see a way to financially survive leaving.
In Scientology, there have been reports of physical violence, but only at the top levels of the organization. What ordinary “parishioners’ experience seems to be along the lines of coercive control and psychological abuse, including gaslighting, intimidation, and financial control. I was living in an abusive relationship, but didn’t immediately recognize that fact because there was no hitting, no bruises, no broken bones, only rage, gaslighting, manipulation, and control. There is a model of domestic abuse called the Duluth model, also known as the “power and control wheel” because there are many types of abuse pictured along the spokes of the wheel but the center or hub of the wheel is labeled as Power and Control. There are many ways to be abusive, but they all boil down to different ways of controlling someone, whether that is by controlling and restricting their finances, physically harming them, isolating them, using emotional abuse and intimidation, etc. There doesn’t need to be physical attacks or visible scars, to be in an abusive relationship, and this is why I prefer to use the term “domestic abuse” rather than “domestic violence”. Abuse is so much more about brainwashing, intimidation, and control. If there is physical violence, it is just one way of having the power to control another person and make them afraid to leave the relationship.
Gaslighting and victim-blaming are described in the show by the ex-Scientologists when they have witnessed abuse or have been abused physically or sexually themselves. Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that can make someone question reality and doubt their own memories, emotions, and sanity. If abuse occurred to a Scientologist, it is denied, over and over, even by direct eye witnesses. Victims of abuse are told, according to the teachings of Scientology, that they did something bad to cause themselves to be abused and they must forgive their abuser. In other words, the abuse is their fault; the victim is to blame and the abuser must be forgiven. Gaslighting in a relationship, and especially in a divorce, is even crazier. I was told that things that really did happen had never occurred. I was questioned: “How come you can’t remember?”, “What are you talking about? Are you crazy?” I was told: “You don’t really feel that way” or “Inever did that.” Then these lies were written up in court documents as the truth, and I could only disprove them if I had tangible evidence. Victim-blaming was used by court-appointed psychologists on me and my children, as we were told that we allowed ourselves to be treated that way. I was told I “stayed too long” and caused the high conflict to build up. Watching this docuseries by Leah Remini has made me feel less alone, less gullible for believing someone who professed love but really wanted control and possession, and less afraid to speak out. I feel the frustration Leah Remini and Mike Rinder talk about in regards to law enforcement and the justice system not understanding how to deal with a cult, as law enforcement and the family court seem to also have very little understanding of domestic abuse, how to recognize it, and how to deal with it in a way that doesn’t cause further trauma to the victims.
I hope that people watching this show can start to learn how anyone could end up in an unhealthy relationship (with a person or group) that is not based in reality and why the abuse is difficult to leave. If you hear of someone who has survived abuse, don’t blame the victim for staying or ask why they stayed so long, but rather, support their bravery for having the courage to leave. I hope you now know that was not easy.
What a brave lady to share her story. She is both intelligent and articulate. I hope her suffering is past and her future is bright. This blog continues to shine a bright light on abuse. We need to hear these stories to help us understand that everything is not Black and White. More importantly we don’t judge and blame victims. They all deserve that.
Thank you.
This is so important to point out the cycle of abuse. This story reminds me so much of my story. I have become so inspired by the survivors of Scientology because of the similarities I see to my own life.
Child abuse survivors are more likely to be abused later. Domestic abuse, abuse from a cult and I have even worked for a company for many years who abuses their workers in a way that is so similar to the sea org and moving up the bridge.
Thanks for posting this, Mike.
I would have loved to have held out a “HELP!” sign but weirdly, just as in domestic abuse, there is no one who can help – I mean in a deep and meaningful way. There is initial help but when the lights go out and the cameras turn off, you are sitting there in the wreckage wondering if maybe life might have been better if you would have stayed in the abusive relationship or group. Regardless of my wreckage and all the pain and suffering of losing my son, I am happy to be free from the abuse and mind control inflicted by scientology. Now it’s up to me to CONTINUE to find the help I need, the friends that understand and a new way of life. It is an ongoing process and maybe I will get lucky and get my son back into my life.
There’s a ME TV commercial for the show “Have Gun Will Travel” where the main character (Paladin) makes the statement – “He who has nothing, has nothing to lose.”
This comes to mind because it seems so many in $ci. think they have so much to lose but come to the realization that they actually have *nothing and therefore nothing to lose and anyplace has got to be better than here.
*By nothing I mean family and friends who will turn their back on you in an instant because they’ve been taught that all of your value to them is based on what you’re doing for the organization. An organization that isn’t looking out for your best interests, but is consumed by using you for ALL you’re worth, be it money, time or effort.
Excellent piece. (My two cents.)
scientologists don’t have friends, only people ho can/will contribute to the cause. As soon as they no longer can/will contribute, they’re dropped like a hot potato. I see this descending from “on high”, Mr Hubbard while he was on them sweet drugs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdIhq1tb8Co
Hi Fred, yeah, it’s a hard thing to come to come to terms with having an abusive mother, or parent. My mother was very similar and it never made sense. Even to this day that confusing concept lingers. Only thing that eventually stopped the physical abuse was I drew my fist back at 14 and threatened to return the violence. She started on me at 4 too. Both my brother & sister got the same treatment, she was insane. I left home not all that long afterwards and ended up in the military. The mental abuse of others was always there in some degree with her until the day she died.
Like the abusive & vampiristic nature of the Church of Scientology, it is simply a wicked & evil thing to do. To target children takes it to a whole other level.
Hubbard was wrong & hypocritical about so many things.
4
Yawn,
I once replied to a post that ended up as a general comment, so thanks for letting me know about yours.
It looks like we have at least one thing in common: an insane mother. Two things actually: we’re also here utilizing Mike Rinder’s blog.
That you drew your fist back at 14 and threatened to return the violence is something I could never bring myself to do. I’m afraid she had just too much control over me.
My brother is close to me in age; my sister by more than a decade. My brother and I were dealt with rather evenly by my mom, yet I always wondered about my sister.
I could never make myself wear a belt because of the leather one that hung in my father’s closet, an instrument used in carrying out mom’s punishment. I finally talked to my sister about this, and found out that my mom had used that belt on her, and that she, too, couldn’t wear one. That just about broke my heart.
Things changed with my parent’s divorce (which had a lot to do when a doctor gave my dad only 25 years to live: he died at about age 54). With my stepdad there soon arrived a half sister, and I worried about her, too. Until one day when out of the blue, the half sister says to me on a long-distance telephone call: “Hey, Freddie! Do you know what I say to mom every time she calls for me (like she would to set the table, or do the dishes, or take out the trash)? I say: YYYYEEEEESSSSS, DEMON?”
At that moment, my heart sunk into my chest and I thought: And mom let you live with a response like that?
I haven’t spoken a single word to nor have I written a letter to my half sister ever since. What she told me and her carefree demeanor in telling me that put it all into perspective. If there ever was a Suppressive on my case (as one would say in scientology), then my mom fit that bill — hook, line and sinker.
L. Ron Hubbard certainly had issues, didn’t he?
Hey Fred,
We all have the experience of our lives. It is hopeful that each and everyone of us puts the negative parts of it in perspective & not let it dominate. Keeping busy, doing things you like & creating a future of some sort is universally accepted as a meaningful buffer against those of us that feel and have been betrayed.
Easier said than done, especially as we get old and the body starts falling to bits.
Hubbard, simply put, was an asshole. He sure could have done things differently, but didn’t and he was fundamentally a dishonest human being. His lies and propaganda produced affects I don’t think even he ever realized the full consequences of as he created them. He went with the flow of vanity and money and believed his own bs. His place in history has been forever cemented into the dark side of the ledger.
Best to you Fred, do something that makes you laugh. Cheers…
“… something that makes you laugh…”
In February, at the end of three physical therapy treatments (all for different reasons while the first one addressed a bicycle fall I had pre-COVID19), I weighed 207 lbs. and didn’t like being slightly overweight. Today, after bicycling nearly 500 miles and dieting, I weigh 178, a weight I’d been meaning to get back to for a few years.
I would call that doing something that makes a 67-year-old man quite happy.
Thanks, Yawn.
Haha, treadled your way there. What ever it takes!
Was there something that Hubbard got (stole) that was right?
Excellent piece; very informative.
Been there and it’s a slow process that loops around and once you are in it it’s not all that simple to do what people who don’t know anything about it who say why didn’t you just leave.
It’s not that simple and abusers are great at what they do to make it that way. Abuse comes in many forms and are not all domestic – sometimes it’s in the workplace, it’s not as simple as that. I say those who feed you own you, or at least feel that they do with the threat of loss of income.
A person stays to protect others, as long as they are the ones taking the hits they feel they can protect others in their care from it, or leave a child every other week with someone they know can easily take out their anger or harsh words on a child. Leave them with an alcoholic or drug abuser or someone who doesn’t care who is around the child is not an option. Packing up and leaving isn’t that simple, but it’s simple for someone who has no idea to feel that it’s that simple.
Thank you Mike for shining a light on this.
I’ve never been married, but I did, from the age of 21, stay in Scientology for 37 years. How did I put up with that abuse? Much like I did the abuse dished out to me by an unrelentless, unforgiving mother for the first 17 years of my life. And in many ways, I was married to my abuser.
Am I saying that I fell easily for scientology because it felt “right” and reflected the kind of treatment I had gotten at home? Damn right!
At the age of 4, my mom slapped me around. Unfortunately, she did that in front of my grandmother, who physically shook my mom silly, telling her to never do that again in my grandparent’s house (and from that day forward, she despised her in-laws). So my mom changed tactics and abused me when and where there were never any witnesses.
At the age of 9 and to assist in her punishment of me, she made go find a tree branch with which to hit me with. When it left an ugly, thick red welt across my neck, she coerced me into telling anyone at school who asked about it, that I had run into a barbed wire fence.
At the age of 17, my dad shared with me his thoughts about his marriage (keep in mind that he had never talked to me about anything, except to say “no” or to belt/strap me at my mom’s insistence). “If I had it to do all over again,” my dad said, “I don’t think I would have married your mom.” At that moment, I felt so small, so inconsequential, as if I didn’t even exist.
I got into scientology in 1977 and moved to Los Angeles, as far as I could, it appears, to get away from my mom. Over the years, I called her hundreds of times. What an obsession I had with her, always trying to be her “good little boy.” And how many times did my mom call me? Never.
When my stepfather shipped her to Los Angeles for a week in the 1980s, paying all expenses, he did so in order to get her away from him for even a little while. Within a very short period time of him telling me about this, I broke my leg and needed a metal plate and 6 pins. When mom offered to take care of me under her roof, I politely declined her offer while I screamed “NO!” inside.
I finally cut all ties with her in 1999. I had gotten cancer and knew, just knew, that I would not survive the procedure — not unless I walked away from that abusive relationship once and for all.
Fifteen years later, God helped me leave scientology. I’ve been cancer-, tobacco-, alcohol-, and mom-free for 24 years. (My mom actually died a few years ago and, in my mind, I danced a jig on her grave.)
(That picture with the word “HELP” describes my post for this blog to a “T.”)
👏💕😘😍❤️🥰🫂
Fred my heart goes out to you, for your courage and survival skills, first through your mother’s abuse, and then through the abuse of the cult of $cientology.
Free Minds, Free Hearts,
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
Today’s blog is instrumental in that I now know why I fell so easily into scientology’s grip. The key word is CONTROL. I had it at home under my parent’s roof. Scientology later provided mountains of control in policy, in particular in the Green and Red Vols.
Hey Fred, I replied to your particular post (above) but it ended up as a general comment.