There have been some marvelous takes on scientology tv, and I have included just a few of my favorites here.
But there is a HUGE missing piece.
If this is the most important and monumental thing in the history of scientology and Miscavige himself “emerged from witness protection” to introduce it, where are the other big names?
THE thing that most people know about scientology, above and beyond anything else, is that it has celebrity members.
And a bunch of them are even TELEVISION stars.
How can scientology TV not have ANY of their celebrities participating? Not even a cameo ad? Not a statement to the media? Nothing.
No word from scientology’s TV stars — Elisabeth Moss, Laura Prepon, Kirstie Alley, Giovanni Ribisi, Nancy Cartwright, Danny Masterson, Catherine Bell, Erika Christensen, Jenna Elfman, Marisol Nichols, Judy Norton, Michael Pena
No word from their movie stars — Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Juliette Lewis, Anne Archer
Not a peep? Why? Are they ALL scared of being associated with scientology?
Is Miscavige scared they might defect and join Leah Remini, Paul Haggis and Jason Beghe? Or even a Nicole Kidman or Katie Holmes…
So it goes with the Chairman of the Bored announcing up front that everyone would be able to go inside their buildings, including the Super Power building in which he stands. But like everything else on this channel, it’s ONLY available in canned form.
You cannot today walk down to the Super Power building and be shown around inside. Why? Because what if you see something you are not supposed to see (including the fact it is EMPTY)…
There is nothing at all on this TV “network” that is not scripted and rehearsed — which ironically is what scientology accuses The Aftermath of being.
And one has to wonder whether these people who claim that their marriage was saved are REAL people or merely actors playing a role? If they ARE real people, why are they not identified? Or at least why is there no statement “these are real people, not actors” like Chevrolet does on their commercials?
Of the dozens of takedowns of scientology tv, these are a few of my favorites:
Lloyd Grove in the Daily Beast who notes that scientology is probably paying $4 million per year to play these infomercials. (This is a great thing for Miscavige as this is a legitimate expense for the IRS)
And this one from The Hollywood Reporter which contains one of my favorite passages to ever introduce David Miscavige:
The network launched with the emergence from witness protection of the church’s publicity-shy leader, David Miscavige. The beautifully coifed, deeply tanned and sharply suited Miscavige looked straight into the camera and said, “We get it, people are curious.” He took pains to reassure any viewers who might be wary.
“We’re not here to preach to you, to convince you or to convert you,” he proclaimed, oozing the sort of faux sincerity of which other cult leaders could only be envious. As a religious leader, Miscavige projects all the gravitas of Ryan Seacrest. (He’s also only 5-foot-1 — which may be why he gets along so well with Tom Cruise.)
Here are some of the best headlines:
And finally, this from Comedy Central — just because:
PS: In the meanwhile, scientology is frantically trying to delete negative comments and reviews…
LM@O once again!
Why Captain Miscavige, you little devil in a blue serge suit, you!
No need for you to fret, hon!
Cuz I’d NEVER, EVER believe a gosh-darned thang ’bout lil ole Church ‘a Scientology that didn’t come DAHRECTLY from you, sweetie pie!
Just AIN’T gonna happen, darlin’!!!!
Why, Ah believe EVERYTHIN’ y’all tell me!!!!
So you jes’ cease to fuss and fret, an’ go on ahead and tell me ANYTHING you like, and Ah WILL believe it!
Ok, darlin’?
Much Luv, ‘ya little blue-eyed devil, you!
Aquabelle
FWIW Mike, if you need a good post, email me. Since you were peremptorily blocked, I made it my mission to go on and screenshot the most hiLARious tweets on scientology TV’s twitter feed.
Woot! I’m still under the radar and they have yet to block me….this hour. Give them a few more days and they will have blocked all but the few who march in lockstep.
Would love to see the tweets Val. Forward them when you can. I will ensure they don’t disclose your identity.
Can’t Wait for them to air that Fantastic, Inspirational Tom Cruise video!
Remember people, this play is NOT intended to improve the image of the cult, nor to bring in new members.
It’s two purposes are to assuage the bubble dwellers and to bring in MORE IAS funds.
As a side bene it is counted as allowable non-profit spending by the IRS
You’re right, Wynski. Wow, you are right.
Aqua, the negative app votes & bad press convinced me. DM knows that this venture is very badly received by the general populace so it must be for internal consumption only. He’s evil but high IQ and clever in his own way.
Yes, He is. High IQ, cunning and shrewd. I hate admitting that because he’s evil and I’d love for him to be stupid but he’s not. Mind blowing that this whole televised dog and pony show is just to keep the Still Ins still in and supporting the IAS, but the puzzle pieces fit perfectly. Wow.
And, Wynski, I’m thinking: he’s long had the negative publicity factor worked out.
The Sheeple have already been totally briefed to fully expect an avalanche of bad press about Scientology TV – ALL of it coming, of course, from the Suppressive Media Merchants of Chaos Crowd and the hapless PTS’s under their evil sway! Who are of course all HOWLING in their terror that Scn TV will reach the millions, will open the door for real to Planetary Clearing.
The Sheeple are already in the mindset to fully expect very bad press. And naturally they’re getting it. Their church predicted it , their church is always right!
And now, all the bad press IS coming in, with the fully intended result being that their agreement with the long ago Co$- instilled “Us Against Them” bunker mentality is being strengthened!
Now, like NEVER BEFORE, its even more VITAL to support the IAS with their guilt buttons pressed BIG TIME if they don’t contribute everything they have to make Scientology TV a success…wow. wow. I can’t seem to stop saying wow, because it really is incredible. The Still Ins have long been carefully set up, over the years, for this. An incredible con,
Oh, right Aqua! Pretty smart of Hubtard to write policies that contradict each other. That way there is always an excuse for whatever happens to show that they are right.
The reviews and comments regarding the dismal content give me hope. I was somewhat concerned the TV move by the COS may result in additional members being sucked into the black hole. There are people out there that will believe anything at the surface level. As a result, I often question identification friend or foe ability in some people. Keep up the good work to take scientology down. But it’s not over until the battle is won. Keep moving forward.
As is showing up on Tony Ortega’s Bunker, they’re spending a lot on ads on all sorts of media platforms, including social media – far more than would seem to be necessary just to show their members that they’re “doing something,” and adding significantly to the expense of the effort. It looks to me as if they really do have some hopes of routing in some new “raw meat.”
Karen de la Carriere has just recently reported that she has inside information that Scientology is paying DirecTV $4 million per month, which would be around $5,500 per hour. That fits much better with the figures I was able to find for national infomercial time buys, and the sort of revenue I would assume that DirectTV was getting from selling infomercial time on that channel, and would presumably want to more or less replace in any new deal to lease the whole channel. I think that the $4 million per year figure might have been an estimate for just LA and/or Tampa, it is in the 3-figure per hour range which is what I was seeing for buys in large local markets.
A lot of fluff. A bit condescending. Production quality is pretty good.
Is it fluff or fluffy fluff?
THIS
is
PRICELESS!
I’m being dramatic to compensate for an inability to express myself right now.
Amazing!
You can’t express yourself??? Holy macaroni! I just don’t believe it, Aquamarine! I’m having none of this nonsense! You have no problem expressing yourself! Just look back at your posts!
You’re a sweet person, OSD 🙂
Congrats on season 4! Thrilled there will be more shows..4 is not enough ..? Thank you Mike. Happy for all!
Oops..my bad..season 3..
That’s season 3
And, of course, we’re all on pins and needles.
Curious about the ‘likes’ being manipulated; I thought that was not doable, to alter the likes and dislikes. Is there anyway to get at the actual numbers?
Bob G
Like cockroaches in a forsaken tenement building, scientologists will find their way in. If there is a way to manipulate online reviews, those shameless cultists will find the opening, squeeze in, and make fools of themselves. The religion of lies and footbullets.
I’m not sure, but my guess was that negative reviews from those that had not downloaded the app were deleted.
This may be cryptic, as I’m speechless with my reaction, (I don’t know this style of comedy) but, is a cleared TV a reality? It’s still a TV isn’t it? Seems like there’s a missing spot on the tone scale for this sort of thing, maybe I’ll think of one as the evidence stats itself. Possibly Blankity Blank will work…
Aw well, now for something a lot more serious, what’s for supper?
Well, I Yawn, if you would just get your butt over here, I’d tell what’s for dinner.
I hear your crab is really good.
Ya, people were curious about Charles Manson too but it doesn’t mean they wanted to hang out with him or pay him hundreds of thousands of dollars for his “religious insight”. Here in the United States people know enough about Miscavige and Scientology to avoid them. No goofy, lame commercial is going to change that. No little cult leader dressed like a Beverley Hills car salesman is going to impress them. Most Americans will see the ad with Miscavige and think “Fuck you. Why doesn’t this dick get a real job?”
🙂 🙂 🙂
Mat, Mat… you’re being glib.
Just kidding, you absolutely nailed it.
Mat, you just killed it !!! 🙂
Truer words were never spoken!
Just out of (you should pardon the expression) curiosity, I watched one of the vids on youtube. It was the one on positive and negative people (the negative people being portrayed as psychopaths). That’s eight minutes of my life I’ll never get back. I didn’t know whether to laugh or curse at my computer. Total weirdness. Thankfully, I didn’t have to call my doctor for a Prozac prescription afterwards – I’m stronger than that!!
Well, I’ll think I’ll go scream into a towel for a couple of hours.
I sent CC’s video and challenged Saturday Night Live to beat Comedy Central’s awesome parody.
I wish I had a video of the time I herded up a bunch of us SP’s in a limo to the Super Power tent and lights-a-flashing cop cars rolled up before toes touched the curb. I would SO send that to SNL. Because … SP.
The great thing about Scientology TV is how Savage Miscavige is actually undermining the cult himself by putting $cientology up to such scrutiny and the light of day for which they have as much tolerance as your average photon-adverse vampire (an apt analogy in many regards).
In fact LRH policy and their unwillingness to adapt steers them inexorably to extinction and irrelevance, so they just can’t help themselves at this point – a fait accompli. Thanks Li’l Davey! We appreciate the unintentional help.
Worlds fastest growing religion.
Millions of scientologists worldwide.
Straight up and vertical…
Only ~1000. 5 star reviews for their flagship app….
ROFLMAO
COB, you better get NOI on pumping those app stats.
I’ve briefly checked out Scientology.tv and frankly I find the shopping channel pitching products I have no interest in acquiring to be more engrossing.
Dave’s new station may also have a great side benefit Wyn.
Anyone who is asking the question about “How could any intelligent person get sucked into $cientology?” we now can simply say ….. “Watch one hour of Dave’s ‘$cientology Today’ show and get back with me if you still have that question.”
Wouldn’t one hour of watching Dave’s Scientology put you to sleep?
Not sleep, comatose…
Once again I stand corrected! Comatose should be his natural default setting.
and convulsions.
We can’t forget those!
I rather watch the same Antiques Roadshow pgm 20 times in a row that one hour of Dave’s dribble.
“Anyone” can walk in? I don’t think so.. ..but anyone can turn their TV to a different channel.
Careful. Once you tune in, you’ll be declared suppressive if you blow from the channel.
🙂 LDW.
How about if I just blow ON the channel?
Miscavige has been painting himself further into the corner and by launching this network, he has further eroded his wiggle room.
When the Scientology Channel fails to boom the Orgs, or even to register as a blip in the ratings, how is he going to explain it? Will the tired old standbys work this time:
• “An all-out effort by a global network of psychs and SPs is spending millions to try to shut down the network, but we’re still here!!!”
• “Every Org on the planet, with the exception of only a few (read: yours) is experiencing highest ever power and affluences across the boards since the launch of the network.”
There’ll be no escaping for the princess this time.
I doubt he realizes this, but in his inexorable and limitless Stupidity, he has ‘thrown down the gauntlet’ – LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!
I don’t believe the dwarf could pick up a gauntlet.
“No word from scientology’s TV stars — Elisabeth Moss, Laura Prepon, Kirstie Alley, Giovanni Ribisi, Nancy Cartwright, Danny Masterson, Catherine Bell, Erika Christensen, Jenna Elfman, Marisol Nichols, Judy Norton, Michael Pena”
Not sure if Danny Masterson should be mentioned among those other names, I’m assuming his case is a bit different from theirs. My guess is that even if Miscavige is in general interested in celebrities participating in Scientology TV he would not want Masterson to appear on it. This is probably the single case in which Scientology wishes to distance itself from a celebrity of theirs.
There was a time when actors shared the same social level, and disdain, as prostitutes. Today, they are known as ‘Celebrities’. In my opinion, ‘the name has been changed to protect the innocent’, which is a notable minority, to be sure, and many of those in the Majority category have made their way into Scientology (e.g., those listed above).
I was able to elicit a response from a Scientologist to get a reaction on the channels debut :
…”I have watched only 1 hour of it and as a Scientologist am delighted to see that there is something that is streaming 24/7. I can now view the channel at my end and tell the person I am talking to to view it and can point out things to note and answer any questions they may have about what they are seeing.
People on Facebook have enthused over the program about the banjo company and I know that many programs such as that would show the world that we do not sprout horns on a full moon or some such falsehood.
I never watch TV anyway so will not watch this except for the odd snippet or when I am introducing people to Scientology.
It will be a great introduction to Scientology and I reckon a lot more people will be asking to find out more.
I know that some will rant and rave against it as this is good step forward in the introduction of new people as to what Scientology is. But the majority will take note and some will be emboldened to find out more by getting a book (the best first step) and then going to see the display panels at their nearest Church of Scientology and thence onto a course and/or into a free Dianetics session.
From what I saw, Scientologists are people who like to help others do better in life. They like to help. We need more such people. I hope the me-me-me crowd are will be converted into a how-can-I-help-you crowd! “
..”I never watch TV anyway so will not watch this except for the odd snippet or when I am introducing people to Scientology.” …….
Ha Ha! Yeah, Doug, that line leaped up at me too!
Just as many passengers were sure the Titanic wouldn’t sink. The world doesn’t need this kind of “help” from a money-making and family disconnection & financially destroying cult.
To quote from a true religion “Father forgive them, they know not what they do.”
The big fail was imminent; who will reach to see something that has been exposed for crimes, abuses, tearing families apart, stealing money, lying to the IRS and so on? Only a masochist, I guess.
The general public has gotten the real picture through the Aftermath, Going Clear, Books from ex-Scientologists, lawsuits and blogs like this one.
Another big flunk to Miscavige, who by now has his highest ever in history.
Scientology TV and movie stars aren’t participating for the same reason mainstream members don’t promote to their friends. Deep down, they know there are serious things wrong with the church and thus, would be doing a disservice to anyone they brought in. They’re withholding hundreds and hundreds of considerations about LRH, his tech and policy, and current management, that if revealed, would not only land them in Ethics, but make them look weak to others.
Scientologists are embarrassed to admit they’re members. Belonging to a cult is humiliating.
Especially, but not limited to Scientology.
Extremely well said, Terra. Nailed it, totally.
Allright Eff Pee, time to step up and set the record straight. Do a nice one for the gipper and tell us how yer favorite cult is doing such a masterful job of changing it’s image with its wonnerful Tee Vee presence.
For a group that disdains snark so much, they certainly provide an endless supply of J&D fodder.
Scn TV shows the whole world how scary it is 24/7.
Reminds me of R.E.M.s “Smiling Happy People”.
And I happened to be watching when Denise Duff photographer to the Stars was making her pitch for the cult. Her vacuous eyes said it all. Brain dead.
Shouldn’t she be on the ‘Walking Dead?’
I mean really – scientology TV?!?!?!?!? Gimme a break, PLEASE!! I don’t think anything can be done at this point to salvage the cult (at least I certainly hope not), but I guess some folks might watch the channel just for yuks. My cable company doesn’t carry it and, frankly, I’m relieved. If they should end up carrying the channel though, I might tune in if I feel in the need for a laugh, or just need to vent occasional frustration by yelling at the TV (we old folks have a tendency to do that).
I should have expected the fixed ratings thing. Isn’t obfuscation SOP with scientology?
The Comedy Central schedule thing is hilarious!!!
I’d put it in the category of random acts of desperation Meryl. And for the comedy central, adding ‘The New Mr. Ed’ starring Jenna Elfman and Kirsty Alley might force me to tune in.
Ha!! Whose mouth do they put the peanut butter in to make it appear as though they’re saying something that actually makes sense and doesn’t make me want to blow chunks?
The Kirstie Alley McBeal thing made me spit coffee all over my desk (I loved Ally McBeal – saw every episode). I should learn not to read this kind of stuff while eating or drinking.
If they bring back Mr. Ed I’ll become a couch potato…
“People go yakkie yak in the streets and waste their time of day, but Mr Ed will never speak unless he’s got something to say… ”
Now you’ve done it! I’ll have that tune in my head for weeks now.
Did you know if the world had more horses, it’d be more stabilised?
🙂 ing and groaning at the same time, Yawn!
ROTFLMFAO! Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a wiener…I mean, winner! Now that’s some funny shit!
Hey OSD, you spelled my last name wrong??
🙂 Newc. Krusty’s rearing up to dip into that feedbag and as for Jenna, well…never mind, this is a family blog!
LOL ….. I see you connected Aqua!
🙂 Oh yeah.
Just go to youtube and you can watch their garabage there. You will be done in 5min though because it is brutally lame.
Thanks, Mike, I’ll check it out. I could use a good laugh.
I would rather stick needles in my eye than watch any of that. But I am seriously enjoying the reviews! Ha ha!
The programming is streamed online at their tv website.
There was also this is the UK’s Guardian newspaper:
Scientology launches its own TV network today – just like regular television, only more terrifying
DirecTV, Apple, Roku and Google Chromecast are now streaming content to spread the word. Now we can see where those deluded millionaires are coming from
Name: The Scientology Network.
Age: Due any minute now.
Appearance: Just like regular television, only slightly more terrifying.
Praise Xenu, a Scientology TV channel! Well, not really. Scientology will actually just be streaming content on DirecTV, Apple TV, Roku, Google Chromecast and an app.
Scientology has no need for anachronisms such as television channels. You’re right. Scientology hates television channels, almost as much as it hates psychiatry, former Scientologists and people making any noise whatsoever during childbirth.
Do you hate Scientology? Doesn’t everyone? Haven’t you seen the documentary Going Clear, the Louis Theroux Scientology film and the Leah Remini anti-Scientology series? None of them are particularly fond of Scientology, you know.
So maybe Scientology has started this network to counter these accusations? Oh, I get it. It’s a PR move to try to make Scientology look less like a toxic dustbin full of deluded millionaires with aggressive superiority complexes.
You’re very hostile. Would you like to take an Oxford Capacity Analysis to get to the bottom of this? No I wouldn’t, and I won’t be watching this channel either. It’ll probably just be endless repeats of John Travolta’s Battlefield Earth anyway.
Actually, a programme list has been released; it includes Meet a Scientologist, Voices for Humanity and L Ron Hubbard: In His Own Voice. Great! Will the Hubbard series include his Affirmations, such as “Snakes are not dangerous to you. There are no snakes in the bottom of your bed” and “Masturbation does not injure or make insane. Your parents were in error. Everyone masturbates”?
But everyone does masturbate. Be quiet: I’m making fun of a religion here. It’s my favourite thing to do.
So you don’t hate Scientology specifically; you just enjoy mocking religious programming. Well, yes, especially if it’s likely to feature looped footage of Tom Cruise slagging off psychiatrists.
And The Handmaid’s Tale. What’s that now?
The Handmaid’s Tale. Elisabeth Moss made that, and she’s a Scientologist. Oh for God’s sake, really? That’s something else I’ll never be able to fully enjoy again.
You do know that watching the Scientology Network isn’t compulsory, right? If you don’t like it, you can just ignore it. Where’s the fun in that? God, you’re such a Suppressive Person. No wonder you’re stuck at Operating Thetan Level Four.
Do say: “Just what the world needs – more television.”
Don’t say: “I just binge-watched season six of Thetans Do the Funniest Things.”
“Just like regular television only more terrifying.” I love it! The last time I watched regular TV was to see a few moments of the Rose Bowl Parade. I’ll probably watch it again when the holidays are upon us.
That said, how can I watch a bit of $scion TV without paying for it? Actually I wouldn’t even watch it if they paid ME, but I do want to see with my own eyes how bad it is. Can someone advise? Thanks.
Go to a friend’s house! 🙂
I’ll go if there’s great red wine.
Bix, I downloaded the App on my smart phone. Free and didn’t ask any permissions but who knows. Since they are editing their App reviews it’s likley they have a way to access your contacts etc. But since I don’t give a dang I watched a few mins of the 2nd. Hour. Maybe I’ll watch it for giggles with a friend.
Thanks, Cece
“Actually, I wouldn’t even watch it if they paid ME…” LoL, Bix!
Damn! Roku is streaming it. My TV had built in Roku when I bought it. Somehow I get the feeling I won’t have the urge to tune to that channel since I still have a several hundred hour queue sitting in wait for me. Maybe I will tune in before scientology fails … or not.
The bad press is everywhere. These Scientology TV commercials are so materialistic. All they really show are shiny things and staged and scripted actors.
Actually DM’s technique of sales is:
Look at my stuff. Check out what we own. Our value is in our stuff. Scientology is great because we own a lot of stuff.
Big fail Dave.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/scientology-tv-review-inside-tom-cruises-head-looks-like/
Content is the problem with Scientology TV. No one is going to watch it after the 1st week because there is no real content. Just TV ads. The only real Scientology content today is produced by its critics. There are 1,000’s and 1,000’s of hours of content like Going Clear, Aftermath, NBC, CBS, ABC, and all sorts of TV news about the abuses and criminality of Scientology. But with no response to these accusations on Scientology TV, who is going to watch it??
Miscavige counters all this massive content with bland TV infomercials? That’s stupid. No one is going to watch that. Where are all the nasty articles and content they created about former members leaving Scientology??? If they re-reported that stuff with really salacious content from their PC folders, that might find an audience. Many people love reality TV with human suffering. Maybe a reenactment of the hole starring Marty Rathbun might be worth watching, but Scientology infomercials with happy people?? Riiiiiight. A real bright idea. That’s why Miscavige is paid the big bucks. What a loser.
He (david miscavige) just doesn’t get it does he? It shouldn’t be but it is stunning to me how much he relies on stupidity or on people that lack curiosity.
He thinks if you put lipstick on a pig, no one will know it’s a pig.
I think he was separated at birth from Jimmy Hoffa. Same hair, same size and same Napoleon Complex that just won’t quit.
Robert,
TV is so chock full of ” infomercials with happy people??” that Dave is probably counting on reaching that same mesmerized audience and getting his share of the ‘bite’.
I continue to be amazed that there are still people out there falling for the Nigerian bank transfer scam but there are. Our world is full of this type of activity and although I try to believe that at some point people will wake up ………. I must admit ………it is only a belief and not necessarily a reality.
I got a call from the police officers association the other day asking for a donation. I asked the fellow if he was a member. He said no but he worked for them. I asked doing what. He said raising funds for the association. I asked how much went to them after they paid you for your work. He said we strive for 8 to 10 percent. Geesch. Scamologys are everywhere.
From the police officers assoc. viewpoint I supppose 10% of something is better than nothing but what about all the people who are donating because they want to help and really are mostly just paying someone to ask for money.
Yo Dave,
Your business model is everywhere good buddy.
I can’t wait to see the parody’s of such $TV “content” as some have posted here. Truthful, therefore hilarious, pieces from the Little Miss Cabbage point of view.
$cientology just signed up for a “punching bag of major hurt” & LRH and his disciples about to be turned into first class clowns on a regular basis. (Not that they aren’t pretty much already.)
Thanks Mike, needed a laugh!
The final nail. Scamology is now hermetically sealed in the minds of people as that crazy, criminal, cult.