A little light-hearted entertainment for the weekend.
As earlier mentioned in a comment — a contest was launched to commemorate the annual IAS event to see who could produce the best Shermanspeak on the topic of scientology and the world today.
Our winning entry is below.
Dan should be proud. Throughout history, great writers have had an identifiable style — from Shakespeare to Ernest Hemingway. Speechmakers too — Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill come to mind. But it seems that though Sherman has developed a unique style, he follows in the tradition of another famous orator, Professor Stanley Unwin the creator of Unwinese, clearly a predecessor to Shermanspeak.
Enjoy…
Scientology And The World Today
When one examines the core relationship which has been amazingly forged and increasingly strengthened over an astounding 55 year period between the Scientology religion and the world as we know it today, it behooves us to first define what exactly we mean when we say ” world”, which is not to say that we don’t have a perfectly serviceable wog definition, or two, or 3, for it, but no, we want a definition upon which to build the elemental structure that will be our next great advance toward the only worthwhile goal that exists, which, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, is planetary clearing.
So let’s apply some Word Clearing Tech to this situation, shall we?
What is the “world”, really? What is the actual, truly workable significance of this term?
Because, make no mistake; there is a world, and to any Scientologist, this is, of course, self-evident.
On the other hand, having said that, as we in Scientology go about our work clearing the planet, as we endeavor to actually wear those enormous boots which are an intrinsic part of LRH’s legacy to mankind, as we continue to successfully spearhead our crusade for spiritual freedom for all against incredible odds, it would be a grave error on our part to assume that any non-Scientologist can even identify let alone define what a world actually is. Now, in turn, from this premise, we can deduce that, if someone is unable to perceive something, then it would be undefinable, and, finally, it can be extrapolated that, being unable to define it, effectively, for that person, it cannot exist – indeed, one might almost conclude that it does not exist.
And you would be right about that. (Laughter).
Now, if we apply this principle to the word “world”, Yes, I’m afraid that there is indeed a sub-strata to this particular issue which is, quite simply, for the people of Earth, there is no world. (Shocked, stunned silence.)
And there we have the crux of the matter. They don’t see it, can’t define it, yet somehow, dimly, they believe they’re in some kind of “world”.
Certainly, it is a term continually bandied back and forth with very little thought. That it is beyond all reasonable doubt that this term is used lightly by the majority of people on the planet is unfortunately to vastly understate the issue, thus it need hardly be mentioned that your average Joe or Jane, living blindly from day to day, trapped in their pedestrian goals, imprisoned by their own mundane, unimaginative and relentless quests for food, clothing and shelter have this term glibly defined, whereas we in Scientology are too well aware that many meanings exist for this term, that it can and does have many significances and, given this understanding, I’m sure you’ll agree that it behooves us to apply KRC, by taking responsibility for what we know, and, to, actually, for the first time in the history of this universe, not only adequately, because “adequate” is nowhere near good enough for us, no, we have leaped beyond the mere adequate to fully and standardly per LRH define for our purposes this term so that we and we alone control its usage in Planetary Clearing.. (Standing O)
Now, with that build up, I’ll bet that you’re expecting me to give you this definition – right? (Everyone in audience nods.)
Well, guess again! Because I’m not going to! (Laughter, applause)
No, I’m not going to feed it to you! You’re going to have to look it up! (More laughter, hooting, applause.)
(Miscavige, smiling) But, have no fear. We in RTC have you covered. Yes, I’m leaving you for a short time in mystery, but no, you will not have to suffer with this MU for very long, because the proper definition, the only useful and correct and standard definition for the word “world” is soon to be yours, defined clearly for you for all eternity, LRH’s gift to you.
Which brings me to the subject of our latest release, and quite seriously, it is the Missing Ingredient, it is what has been missing from all of our Planetary Salvage Campaigns, and it is quite simply stated, the tool with which you will now be able to reach people, reach deeply into the communication lines of what practically every non Scientologist is calling the “world” while at the same time having no idea what they’re talking about, and, yes, we are very proud to present our latest release, which, by the way, happens to be very aptly named, “Scientology And The World Today”.
(Very long standing O, cheering, hooting, hollering, laughing).
As all of you are well aware, Scientology’s impact on the world today is huge.
The effects we are creating on every dynamic on this planet have continued to increase by leaps and bounds and at this point have reached such epic proportions that even beginning to detail them would trivialize what is evidently the culmination of nothing less than a concatenation of LRH’s original postulates for the freeing of beings in this sector! (Standing O)
Thank you. But there is still much work to do, which is not to say that we have not had phenomenal successes and yes, the planet is opening to us, but, no, we cannot afford to rest on our affluences, as it were, but instead we must continue to man our posts to spearhead the vital technology of Scientology to every man, woman and child, and while this may sound like a gargantuan task, let me assure you that With “Scientology And The World Today” our goal is reachable in this lifetime. Buy it, read it, sell it. Give it to your friends.
It bears repeating: Only in this book is the word “world” truly defined, as LRH always intended. With this definition of “world” cleared to full conceptual understanding, the people of earth can now be enlightened to the vital fact that there IS a world, a world that they actually inhabit, a world that actually is, thanks solely to Scientology Technology and the priceless legacy of L. Ron Hubbard becoming a society without war, without crime, without absurd political campaigns, where man really can aspire to greater spiritual heights, where they can finally realize that Scientology is the force that is creating all of the good that is in the world today while at the same time saying a resounding “no” to the bad, its all here in “Scientology And The World Today,” and yes, that’s how we’re getting out the real message of the huge impact that Scientology is having on the world today! (Standing O, shrieks, hoots, hollers, foot stamping).
Thank you.
“Welcome to the glory of the IAS, while for that matter, welcome to a glory surpassing any glory since we first pledged ourselves to mankind, and so, to hold these beliefs as self-evident—that whoever infringes on the rights of one, infringes on the rights of all; that those at the back of humanity’s line keep everyone waiting at freedom’s door; and, a failure to salute the lowest human being is a failure to salute humankind. But, in the same breath, we also pledged to recognize the magic in every living thing and thus, the majesty of the IAS. While beyond even that, let it be said you don’t make that kind of pledge unless you can live up to it, which, of course, we can. And, of which, you will be totally certain before this night is done.”
Ok, I cheated, this is really Dan Sherman!
The “average Joe or Jane, living blindly from day to day, trapped in their pedestrian goals, imprisoned by their own mundane, unimaginative and relentless quests for food, clothing and shelter” –
Sounds like everyone in the Sea Org!
And here I’ve been thinking that it is GAT 2 that was going to do it; or was it the basics?
My brain felt like a ping pong ball in a Chinese champion play off, but I got through the speech. Christ, no wonder scientologists are so messed up. Spirituality is just a big word salad to them – it engages only the mind and the ego, never the heart, never the soul.
Poor bastards, every one of them.
Yip!
Please tell me to what great spiritual heights is your fearless leader aspiring to???? He is so busy scalping “worlds” to covet all his MEST that he could care less.
Listen folks, just send all your money to the church of DAVID and forget about the world, your leader sure has.
I am so confused.
I’m out of breath just reading that jibberishness of spew.
Take a bow, AnonDanWriter. And special thanks for the audience cues, which truly made me laugh.
Actually, the subject or topic of the (ahem) speech betrays a profound sensitivity to the major problem the Co$ faces today, which is in Scn terms, a lack of ARC. The church does do what the (ahem) speech says, defining a separate world, and disconnecting. It isn’t more ARC; it is less.
I didn’t know bees have hooves.
By the time I got to “Now, with that build up, I’ll bet that you’re…” not even a fresh coffee could help me to continue reading this mind-numbing language twisted speech.
Wow… that’s so awful. Just horrible. Brilliant. And I didn’t have to bankrupt myself for the pleasure of reading it. Thanks Mike
The first annual Shermanspeak contest was a hoot. Congrats speechwriter on your winning entry.
How many angels (or body thetans?) can dance on the head of a pin?
By what factor does this number increase if you attach a mullet on top of said pinhead?
47x?
I’m not even going to try to read it.
Breathtakingly awful. I never thought I’d hear the name of the mullet that spouts word fog in the same paragraph as Shakespeare, Lincoln, Churchill and Hemingway. Perhaps COS should forget about word clearers and institute a series of cour$e$ on newly discovered word fogging as channeled from LRH on planet Befuddlem straight to Sherrman.
He had me at behooves. Wait that’s where he lost me. I was laying in bed enjoying a lazy Saturday morning reading on my iPad and woke up when it fell on my face while reading this.
Now tat I undeterstand that behooves doesn’t mean he’s talking about sheeple (or does it) I will try again. Hmm maybe not. 😉
Damn! Now I have to go buy the book to clear my mis-us on what the world is. If I buy the leather bound edition, can I get an IAS discount? Mimsey
How about, The world is what you decide it to be!
Then watch someone come along and sell you the latest upgrade for whatever you decided it is. It’s the way of the world. It went from picking up a rock and beating something with it, to someone coming along and selling you on the idea of tying a handle to it.
Sex (the world’s oldest game) has pretty much been thoroughly explored but we are always open to suggestions hey?
Worry not, the (alleged) LRH definition will be corrected in later definitions in subsequent editions with better definitions for enhanced and streamlined definability. Thus there will be a New World.
Great writing … The ONLY thing missing is the word “moreover” … something Sherman likes to add to his meaningless, trivial wordy crap.
The brain… it hurts…
(Which means you done good. But still…) I can’t decide whether to call Shermanese “Adverbial Ecstasy” or “An Orgy of Adverbs”.
When in doubt, make up yet another one, then use all three together in the same sentence. “The adverbial ecstasy of ventriloquy of meaning is an orgy of adverbs.”
Sometimes humor can be so close to the truth that it’s more painful than funny. As in the classic punchline, “It only hurts when I laugh.”
Damn, that is really good! Will we get to find out who wrote this epic parody of Sherman? At any rate, they deserve a standing ovation.
Awwww, come on, Mike! Tell us who the winner is! We need a name. But even a pen name will do. Who wrote the winning Shermanesque speech?
Inb4 tl;dr 😛
(google if necessary!)
Air sickness bag quality – fill ‘er up!.
That speech put me to sleep and then slapped me in head with booming bombast and WTF did he say moments.
But I did notice that ‘Dan’ never did define ‘world’. I will have to compare it to Sunday nights Presidential debate to decide its place in history.
Well done anonymous Sherman speaker, now take psych medication and get some sleep.
I want to confess an overt of omission.I wanted to write a piece of Shermanspeak for the contest.
When I started writing I felt my IQ dropping by the minute.I swear it was worse than being stoned.Now I know what down the rabbithole means.
So I choose for selfish reasons to protect my sanity instead of working for the good cause.
I had to choose between feeling bad and feeling stupid.
“Having to Choose between feeling bad and feeling stupid…”
A choice not available to Cof$ members.
Now that’s a tough choice…
“Scientology And the World Today” when you type that into Google, you come up with Lawrence Wright’s
book, ….”….Prison of Belief……”
Hmm, has word of mouth on Scientology overtaken the “world” of Scientology’s minds?
Obviously word of mouth in the “world” right now is Scientology is a “…Prison of Belief…..” still.
Give Scientology another 10 years and let’s see what Google says.
http://tinyurl.com/j8psqb6
Oh, please, DON’T give scientology another 10 years!!!
Miscavige: “…, you will not have to suffer with this MU for very long, because the proper definition, the only useful and correct and standard definition for the word “world” is soon to be yours, defined clearly for you for all eternity, LRH’s gift to you.”
Hubbard the writer, bestowing wisdom by accurately defining the word “world.”
What human helpful treasure!
The first paragraph is quite blissful.
Danny may have been doing something that makes him happy.
Wonder what that was.
Did he get to take a vacation or something?
Who is Michael Pena?
Regrettably, he, like me, is from the South Side of Chicago. He allegedly is an actor whose sole qualification for getting roles is being Mexican. When he’s cast, he demands that his character’s name be changed to something more Mexican. He also claims that Study Tech helps him memorize his scripts. I am not making any of this up. It’s all in the interview that he did with the Guardian this week.
The winner shall remain anonymous? Might we beckon him forth to take a bow in ever-deserved splendor of admiration. Moreover, don’t we all deserve to avail ourselves of such knowledge?
Don’t tell me. That’s an ACTUAL Miscavige speech, isn’t it? You’re funnin’ with us about imitating Shermanspeak. Factually speaking, I’m almost positive I’ve seen a video of that speech somewhere.
Well, that certainly grabbed me right in the…well, umm, it got my attention in a HUGE way! So HUGE, in fact, that I couldn’t help but to stop everything that I was doing and visualize the ultimate effectucatization of Scn penultimate planetary clearing goal, which is whirled peas!
We of the Hubbardian Caste have a world, but Teegeeack is NOT the same world that all these many pseudo-intellectuals, atheist scientists and implanted Christian religious leaders behold; no, it is one in which The Truth rises ever-ascendant in an overarching rainbow that only Scientologists who are hitting on all 57 perceptics can fully appreciate, as the wog visible light spectrum expands in its full panoply only for those who possess super-fine sensory perception where, for them and them alone, it bridges into the ultraviolet and infrared bands for a display of theta fireworks that are only visible to those who stand resolutely on the Front Porches of their Eternities to take it all in. Peace through war…on ignorant ideas!
Foot stomping? Yee ha!
In the Scientology minefield… stomp stomp KABOOM!!!
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that dance step….I hear that doing that 3rd step can be a real blast!
Should stick to the old two step with little bits of shuffle, but with the Sciolands Dance Company they literally blow your bank account away.
I think it is an actual Sherman speech. You fooled us, Mike! Clever.
It was so good I couldn’t finish it.
Good one!
In reading, or should I say, allowing words to enter my thoughts and creating concepts from those words that can be later analyzed and in this case cherished, I can conceptualize DM verbalizing this epoch-making, monumental, oral presentation to his flock.
I am profoundly or perhaps, deeply, overwrought with passion by this epochal oration.
Brilliant! I hope the author of this gobbledygook has it copyrighted or Dan S. will use it and claim he wrote it himself. Definition of Shermanspeak: turning lots of useful English words into incomprehensible bombast.
So much like Sherman’s word vomit, that it is nauseatingly good! Great parody!
Never has anyone said so much, and mean so little. Brilliant!
Never have so few profited over so many for so long. Miscavige must hold some sort of record of people fooled out of their money. It’s stretching into the 4th decade and the coffers are still bursting enough to keep the doors open on empty buildings. Remarkable, absolutely remarkable!
C’mon, Mike, who is the brilliant writer who so totally duplicated Sherman’s painfully long and – dare I say it? – hypnotic hype? I counted one sentence of TWELVE lines! ROFL
And, without gainsaying the peripatetic style, rambling and on and on hollow, idle, vain, futile, worthless, useless, nugatory, insubstantial, ineffective, ineffectual, empty, futile, pointless, purposeless, worthless, meaningless, valueless, useless, aimless, senseless, hollow, barren, insignificant, inconsequential and trivial – need I add boring? – content of Sherman’s ongoing massacre, murder, butchering, killing, annihilation, extermination, liquidation, elimination, destruction, decimation, wiping out, putting to death and literary slaying of the English language, it is crystal clear, plain to see, and evidently, manifestly, patently, conspicuously, pronounced, transparently, palpably, prominently, markedly, decidedly, distinctly, noticeably, unmissably, perceptibly, visibly, discernibly; unmistakably, indisputably, self-evidently, incontrovertibly, incontestably, undeniably, beyond doubt, beyond question, as clear as day, overtly, openly, undisguisedly, frankly, glaringly, blatantly obvious that his intent, aim, intention, purpose, objective, goal, target; design, plan, scheme, wish, desire, ambition, idea and aspiration is and was to stultify, pall on, stupefy, weary, tire, fatigue, send to sleep, leave cold; bore to death and, might I also say bore to tears all his listeners!
Sleep well! LOL
ETHICS PROGRAM FOR DAVID MISCAVIGE
Get thee to a confessional booth (and I don’t mean auditing, because we all know you ain’t gonna do that). Call forward and tell the priest to bring enough food and provisions for at least 3 months.
I was a little upset when I realized the October 1st deadline had come and gone (where does the time go?).
But I could not have done better than this!
I can actually hear COB’s melodious voice giving this speech
Congratulations to the winner!
Had never heard of Professor Unwise.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2tzUFw_onY.
He had a comedy act where he said absolutely nothing in the most circular way.
If a squirrel is a person who goes round a round and gets nowhere then what do you call someone who is still in scientology in 2016?
Bravo, Dan! Bravo! (Standing O). I do believe you’ve nailed it.
No, I do believe YOU nailed it! Obviously, it was Dan Sherman who penned this.