Learn to escape the maze of life…
This sounds ominous. R2-45 maybe?
He’s baaacck…
After a holiday hiatus, the Chanman is back and ready to take your money.
Back big time….
The secret history of this planet. Xenu? Clams on the seashore? The Piltdown Man?
Just can’t get enough of this guy…
Courage…
…to go out and sing with green facepaint on. And then have your photo used for a promotional piece. Yes, that is courage.
Can you handle the truth?
Nope, scientologists have their heads buried firmly in the sand, convinced they are single-handedly saving the planet. They are some of the least capable people of confronting the truth on earth, and what is so strange is they are utterly convinced they are the ONLY ones who truly see…
Apparently an expert…
Wonder why nobody has ever heard of her? Her IMDB profile has a single entry as assistant camera for a single episode of “Red Booth.”
She doesn’t follow her own advice?
“Guest speaker”
Must be someone big…not. Imagine how many people would show up if a concert was announced with a “guest band”? It’s kind of the point to promote who you are going to be listening to.
Blow old postulates…
They didn’t work? Must not have attended the famous Postulates Seminar.
Another old, lonely SO member
What is the point of this promotion?
Never risk wasting a single moment in this brief breath of eternity…
How can you top that for a sales pitch? No wonder they charge $5000…
This is what The Valley needs…
Maybe they could pop up there to get some help.
Perth is not on a roll…
Won’t be finished with their files til Dec 2018! OMG that won’t do — the entire reason for doing this is so Dear Leader can show off the ribbon yanking at Maiden Voyage…
How can an org that is a complete nothingness have this much backlogged filing!
Nothing says communication…
…like a room full of empty desks!
Help us get 1001 Donation
Step into a new world in.
We master a skilled communication sometime. 
47.5% discount
Which begs the question.
Why don’t you sell them at this price all the time?
Thought you wanted to get this “tech” into as many hands as possible?
It’s “F’n” grim
Bet Buckingham Palace would love this…
Lots of news from Perth…
None of it good.
14 staff. wow…
And that real tradition of Christmas line is a doozie…
The final one for this year…
This is IT…
These are all the orgs California is ever going to need. The entire state will be ideal once they finish Silicon V and Ventura. Woopee.
No org for you Riverside. Or Fresno. Bakersfield. Santa Clarita. Santa Clara. Palm Springs. etc etc. 13 orgs for 40 million people… Well, they are not going to be short on potential public!
Let’s git ‘er done.
That seals it…
How could anyone not want to join staff in Brisbane in the face of this offer!
1001 Donation? What, everyone has to give $1,001? Or did they just forget to to the ‘s’ at the end of ‘Donation?’
The lady with the short blond hair with her arms crossed and a menacing look on her face, really doesn’t look happy. At all. Either that or she’s constipated…
My thoughts: Perth couldn’t find a map of the world that shows Australia? Oh, sure Africa’s close enough…
Homemade Chinese food sounds scary when offered by Scientologists.
Michael Chan, world-renowned, Ha! Do a Google search for his name and not much will pop up. I’d love to see a video of him speaking…. Are there any out there?
I think I would pay to NOT hear the song.
I was thinking of knocking myself out. Unfortunately, I never lost consciousness.
Why are CoS flyers jam-packed with bad fonts?
I don’t know. But, font you anyway!
Hah!
Seriously tho – one would think with billions of lifetimes someone would have taken a design class.
Jean Dale has never really done anything significant. She has been a celebrity assistant for decades. The fact that Celebrity Centre is using her shows just how much they are scraping the bottom of the barrel. Yes she has produced over a 1000 productions.
All Kids On Stage productions for decades. At CC and anywhere else kids can perform for free. They leave all that out of the promotion.
What a sham.
Jean Dale Glass – never heard of her – sez:
“Your personality determines your future happiness and success. Receive a one on one consultation with a trained expert and discover your strengths and the exact things that are blocking your success.”
So they call that a free career consultation, eh? I call it an OCA test. I guess instead of dragging people in off the sidewalk to do it, they try tempting them in with a “career consultation.” So who says scientology can’t evolve with the times? lol
Now I wish I had saved it. I ran across some Scn handouts down in McAllen Tx. Free “Career Analysis”. Maybe they are shifting away from the OCA angle.
…another thought……”she broke her personal best record of 15 hours a week”……seriously, it is so pathetic that they track volunteer work. True “from the heart” voluntary giving is benevolent and does require recognition. The cult is nothing but a money machine and a culture of competition. Pathetic…
I think most places have someone who keeps track of the hours volunteers work because they give them awards for their services hours.
They are reporting that renowned OTApe, Michael Chan, has increased his business 40% every year for 20 years with his new super powers. Someone do the math on this whale and someone remind me who’s actually running whatever company he owns so that he can fly all over and share his nonsense bullshit. I say he’s a trust fund baby…
And that Legacy Collection at a discounted rate is pretty good deal until they apply ORG tax, which is 48%.
I just spent an hour trying to figure out online calculators, but they were impenetrable and COMPLETELY impossible to figure out. Of course if you’re a math genius you already know how to use them.
The best I could do at wolframalpha was:
((((((((((10 x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4) x 1.4)
Result: 289.255 x^10
Which looks like a growth rate of billions after only ten years of 40% annual growth.
(10 x 1.4)^20
Result: 83668255425284801560576
So if you start with $10 after 20 40% increases you end up with over a sextillion.
Someone who actually knows math might be able to tell us if this makes any sense.
Compound interest is (1 + i) raised to the n power, where n is the number of periods of compounding. If you have 40% growth, the expression would be 1.4 ** 20, which is 836.68. The future value, F, is the present value, P, TIMES the compounding factor, so F=P(1+1)**n.
You can also use this equation to solve for the number of years that it will take Scientology to clear the planet, given a current number of Scientologists and a positive growth rate in their membership.
Please do calculate that.
If Mr Chan’s (presumably non-chanology) business was a lousy $100k at the start after 20 years of steady 40% per year growth it would have been worth a cool $84 million py. Sure Mikey we believe you as scientologists never lie. So why are you giving talks in exchange for a free rubber chicken and warmed up frozen waffle dinner?
You are still buy what is, at best, drivel. And at it’s worst, it’s evil. Not even if they paid me.
“Chan & chicken & waffles…” I think even cannibals would draw the line at that.
“How to become a Professional Anatomy of…” I…uh…um…what the (naughty swear word approaching) fuck!?
Business, what business? Oh wait. fleecing sheepbots (bad unintentional pun). World-renowned speaker, hahahahaha…
Glass: Another nobody and nothing promoted from reality to the bubble universe.
Dress code: Black and gold attire. Black clothes and gold in the pockets for the regges to remove.
That Perth flier was written by a moron with training in childish nonsense.
“Come and play with us…and we’ll swallow your soul.” Shouldn’t that be a 1001 (allowing for inflation) Dalmations? No, it’s 1001 Damnations.
“It’s “F’n” grim” I’m certain the royals would be thrilled to know that they are $camologists. Is there a word beyond desperation to describe the Perth Ogre?
I wouldn’t want to get a “hug” from Brissy Bear unless my wallet was in a triple layer kevlar lined pocket with inbuilt burglar alarm.
Was just over at The Underground Bunker and had a look at “Even in 2018, Scientology is still selling L. Ron Hubbard like he had the universe figured out”
I started to read “Beauty Versus Thought in this Universe” which turned out be a big mistake. Made it almost half way and had to give up due to quite literally feeling pain behind my eyes from trying to make some sort of sense of this complete and utter mind numbing and mindless drivel by El Con.
Will make comments about this weeks funnies after coffee.
Kronomex,
I read that too. I didn’t think it was drivel. All LRH was saying was that only a very strong person can be truly merciful. That the ability to effectively wield force and power can be used for good purposes or evil purposes. Abraham Lincoln said pretty much the same thing, you know. He said that the measure of a man’s character is how he uses his power over other people. Pretty much the same concept with different wording, that’s all. Just saying.
Aqua,
It was a complete crock. (I have a vision of people listening to this lecture, desperately trying to make sense of what he’s saying, and then occasionally hearing a line they can latch onto.)
While there may have been a coherent thought expressed occasionally it was a great example of how people are willing to ignore the stupid stuff and pull out bits and pieces and try to justify how brilliant Hubert was. (Not saying that is what you are doing. Just a general comment.)
And while Hubert may have thrown in a line which reminds you of something Lincoln said, to say that Hubert’s lecture is addressing the same concept is a ginormous stretch.
And even if we disagree on this point, I still appreciate the vast majority of your comments.
gotta go with Kronomex on this one. It was painful to read. And it’s saying a lot more than that. But, dude, I’m not going to read it again. Once was enough. How did anyone ever read his words or sit through one of those lectures? I’d rather listen to the grass grow.
if Tubby actually listened to his own drivel, he might have noticed he was describing how pitifully weak he was: No mercy for anyone; he couldn’t afford it.
Philip, Smorbie, Jere. LOL! I think we basically agree
Here’s my take: There were a few valid points which LRH could have made far more clearly and succinctly.
This is just me but the points I derived are “might makes right” in the physical universe, that the measure of a man’s true character is how merciful and kind he is to others when he has the physical force and other power to hurt those others with no danger of being hurt himself, and the third is that the physical universe is wholly one of force and as such does not reward mercy, kindness, caring for ones fellow man, etc., being of force, it only rewards force.
That’s what I extrapolated but I would totally agree that the language was unnecessarily convoluted and esoteric in expressing a few simple, ageless truisms.
“They are some of the least capable people of confronting the truth on earth, and what is so strange is they are utterly convinced they are the ONLY ones who truly see…”
That’s Scientology in a nutshell.
“What is the point of this promotion?”
What I took from the last one of these I saw is that they’re trying to make a point that not ALL of Sea Org consists of underage slave labor. Some of it is over-retirement age slave labor. Maybe to create the impression that Sea Org is a long-term career, or a serious career unlike working a fast food restaurant in your teens. Something like that?
” Nothing says communication…
…like a room full of empty desks!”
They really don’t see that empty rooms convey what they are really about. It’s uncanny.
And “f’in grim” was f’ing funny. Can’t believe they don’t notice these things before disseminating them.
But worse than all those, I gotta say, that crucified teddy bear in Brisbane REALLY creeped me out.
My summation is that they have shifted from child abuse to elder abuse.
I was really hoping Remini and Rinder would spend an episode talking about that subject. It’s beyond horrible. They work these people until their health is gone, and then when they become sick or infirm, they just discard them
They’ve ALWAYS abused elders… whenever they got the chance. Reges have been raiding retirement accounts for 40 years or more, from what I’ve observed. Doncha know that SO crew, being OTs by definition, will live forever? (or at least the next billion years.) They don’t need no stinkin’ retirement fund. (and, at least when I was in, we didn’t pay no Social Security Tax, either. When I escaped and got a REAL job that required producing a real product that people would pay me for, I contributed as much as I could into the 401(k) and IRAs,while my employers and I built up my SSI account, with the result that I now can actually afford to be retire AND have health insurance, just in case. My wife and I have vowed to stay together until we’re AT LEAST 140 years old and we’ve got a pretty decent start on the goal. I had to catch up on the dental work neglected while “in” (and then as I established my career and could afford the care), but my mouth never approached Tubby’s level of rot. If you look closely at some of his pics, those lower front teeth looked like “meth-mouth” and the stench was legendary, from what I hear. Truly gross, but he was SO scared of doctors or anyone who demonstrably knew more about some field he thought he was expert in. As badly as he treated that body, it’s a wonder it lasted as long as it did.
Some of those recruitment posters for filing volunteers are starting to look like the person creating them has almost, but not quite yet, made the decision to blow for good. It is almost like they are sick of being abused verbally by some asshole, and so they are on the verge of fucking it all up on purpose before abandoning scientology. I am sure most of you have been there … in some lame summer job as a teen, or maybe even in scientology. You just know it’s all bullshit and you go through the motions half-assed before leaving. (COB demands things be full-assed, dontcha know.)
I just have a gut feeling about it.
Oh, and wow, Michael Chan, you have a busy little calendar. And all your busy work is for nothing.
Oh, Perth. Oh dear. “Special Guest Speaker”?? How much you wanna bet they have NO speaker and have *checks International time* 6 (7?) hours & 42 minutes to find one??? Poor Perth staff…
Two brief thoughts on the Christmas From Perth poster. One, the dude on the far right looks like he’s one engram away from blowing. And Two, Hubbard claimed CHRISTMAS too?! For Christ’s sake! Scientology is the protector of the real tradition of Christmas?! Seriously? How the heck did that one happen? Considering LRon didn’t believe in God or religion and called Jesus a molester of little boys it seems a tad…just a tad mind you…incredible that he’s the protector of Christmas. Wow. Just…I can’t even….
Also—-The California Dreamin’ One. “The bands you grew up with performed by your O.T. Committees”. How does one perform a band, exactly? I know songs can be performed, but a band? Does one perform the band with or without the songs?
I’m absolutely positively certain that the Queen would be just the teeniest bit unhappy with having her photograph used in cherch of scamatology promotion. WTF??? Were they thinking?
As for CF. Every time I see one of the ads telling people they need to get CF into PT, it Blows. My. Mind. Seriously? We cleaned out our files this week.
Ok, we only have a few thousand clients darken our doors a year (so to be honest, probably more than every single idle morgue in the entirety of the church of scientology has in a year these days).
We only have ten large active long 2-drawer legal cabinets in use for the year. Most of our paper leaves the office within 120 days, we scan and return it to the clients themselves, so we only have about 50,000 pages of paper to sort, scan and shred at years’ end.
The first week of the year is spent doing the annual scan “n” shred. We finished an hour ago. That means we don’t have to come to work tomorrow. There are 2 of us in the office.
The amazing colossal inefficiency of the CF project is beyond mind blowing.
I seriously hope that someone can forward that “grim” ad with the Queen directly to the Queen’s security staff, that ad is an abomination & I am sure it will be removed immediately..
BTW I am on occasion receiving the “invalid security token” which forbids me to post……any suggestions (besides not posting of course!)
You are correct. In 2015 they were posting ads with face pics of Sir Anthony Hopkins and Christina Aguilera sent out to members. The ads appeared that they were endorsing Narconon and got sober due to scientology. I just happened to be meeting with Tony Hopkins in Ojai one day when a scilon public friend living in Ventura County sent me the advertisement she received from the cult and told me to ask Tony about it. When I showed it to him on my cell phone he was furious and said he’d never been in a Narconon center and thought scientology was evil. He did say Cruise was professional during Mission Impossible 2 but Tony stated he knew how much damage scientology did to actors since he was a volunteer teacher in Santa Monica for actors regularly when not filming. When I called Lucile Boshe (the aforementioned public preclear after six long years of 25 hours per week) to let her hear Tony’s claim his likeness was being used without his knowledge and what he really thought of lyintology, she refused to take the phone. Then Lucile claimed to me when I pressed her that evening that the “psychs” had obviously infiltrated the building that made the posters because no scientologist would ever do such an out ethics thing. Lucile is still likely drinking the kool-aid and lost her grandkids and daughter which I witnessed personally. She and my other business partner immediately disconnected from me and a year and a half later have told our many friends and business associates I am a religious bigot and they won’t tolerate such hatred. After the Sir Anthony Hopkins incident, I have observed they rarely use celebrities falsely like they often used to and I like to think my conversation with Hopkins helped stop that given his agent stopped it immediately. This new ad is likely a result of being in Australia only and they are counting on no one calling the queen’s security staff.
Balletlady, I’ll F ‘n try.
So many lies, so much insanity. The two main products of Hubtard’s scientology.
Chan & chicken & waffles & coffee??? Even sans Chan that sounds none too appetizing to me. I’d take my chances at a local soup kitchen in South Central, it would be far more interesting to hear people’s stories there. The food would be more interesting too.
Did you notice that it’s Chicken and Waffles for someone named Chan, but homemade Chinese food for Carol Anderson?
It’s “F’n” grim
Thanks Mike, i didn’t want that coffee I was drinking. VWD.
Have you ever noticed how many Scientology happenings are posted on Eventbrite?
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/pilot-season-seminar-holiday-meet-greet-tickets-41530610173# (Be sure to click on the View Details button)
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/gain-the-ability-to-think-clearly-celebrity-speaker-tickets-36594475060
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/overcoming-the-ups-and-downs-of-the-industry-tickets-39100031246
And please tell me if this is real or if this is a joke? Is there really a L Ron Hubbard Theater?
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDUBWzpxa-B8gx7XA3cS3E6BJ_4ObxqXU
Only by seeing and hearing an L. Ron Hubbard book acted out can you tell how truly awful they are.
Every Thursday, when I see these funnies, I sigh in sadness. It is funny, in a sad way, for all those still caught in the web. The ‘$pider’ is HUNGRY. Very hungry. Coming for to suck them all dry, into husks, shells, of former selves. Literally and figuratively. Sigh.
OMG, at these prices I can now afford another E-meter! I’ve already got 1 at home, 1 at the office, 1 at the org (this is true, its still there) and NOW I can have 1 at my hairdresser’s salon as well!
Success Story:
Being able to afford a 4th E-meter that can be kept at m;y hairdressers’ is making all the difference to my Bridge progress. The man who trims and blows out my hair from time to time has agreed to let me leave it in the cabinet RIGHT NEXT TO HIS CHAIR.. All I can say is WoW, WoW WoW!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited about my auditing now!!!!!!! There’s NO barrier the Mest Universe can throw my way that I won’t be able to handle! I perceive my power to postulate and create life, on my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and yes, 4TH dynamics/1 IMMEASURABLE thanks to COB, for this E-meter price reduction! Thank you, Sir!!!!!!
Much love,
Aqua
@Aqua. Be very careful there. You do understand (or possibly remember) that hard core Koolaid slurpers have no sense of humor. They are reading that “success story” as Ron’s Truth.
Valerie, no worries. I couldn’t be more serious. In fact, I just gave myself a session while at my neighborhood salon and when I tell you I had a BLOWOUT, that statement can be taken definitively! I was able to spot the exact BTs which, on the whole track, have been preventing my hair from curling under – for eons! And when my hairdresser ran out of large rollers I let him use the cans, and now he’s ordering DOZENS of them from Golden Era for his other clients. Talk about wins on all dynamics!
Aqua, dear, your acidic and razor sharp tongue cut deeply through scio bullshit, leaving the cans bleeding. Bleeding, I tell you!!! And with FOUR emeters now, I’m sure your now in league with the topmost Oaties! What a win!!!
Damn those pesky Body Thetans! I feel your pain, Aquamarine.
Thanks, guys. I appreciate that you appreciate what a sarcastic bitch I can be.
Actually, I’m not. These little things are just how I blow off steam. Steam from the same source, which is my misunderstanding of the Still Ins.
If I didn’t make jokes about the cult and the Still Ins’ cluelessness, what I’d be saying over and over would be some slight variation of the following:
“I don’t understand these people! How – HOW? Can they NOT see what is right under their noses? How can the intelligent people who were once my friends NOT see what is so obvious? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?”
Because – I don’t get it! I don’t understand these people. I can’t conceive of their mindset. I try, but I can’t. If I could only, once and for all, understand them, I could just accept it. But I can’t really get it. Its possible I’ll go to my grave not getting it!
Sarcasm is a coping mechanism 🙂
Martial arts maybe useful?
Wow, that’s really something Aqua.
I’ve had loss after loss. You’d think with the zillions of BTs stuck to you at least one of ’em would come up with the right lotto numbers. Sheesh… what a bummer those freeloaders turned out to be!
Ha Ha! Yeah,Yawn by the law of averages, with us carting all their sorry BT asses around for the past 75 million years, you’d think ONE of them could have helped a being win SOMETHING. Not mention us having to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to get rid of them; you’d think they’d at least OFFER to share in this expense. Time and again they violate the principle of exchange. Its disgraceful, is all.
Yeah, I hear ya. It’s a considerable consideration to live with hey… it’s seems only appropriate that at least one of the ungracious bastards would do something useful every now and again. I guess the best of the practical knowledge gleaned from Scientology is much the same as how a dog must eventually consider fleas. Especially when itch comes to scratch!
Did you ever see the movie Napoleon Dynamite? There is a scene where they are hoodwinked into buying a crappy time machine off the internet. As they are first about to try using it, Napoleon says, “Wait, I forgot to add the crystals.” Every time I see an E-Meter these days, I think about that time machine fiasco from Napoleon Dynamite.
A crappy time machine is still pretty impressive even if it takes you back 75 million years too far to a tyrannosaurus.
Yo Julian,
You had better get some of Your crack sec checkers sent off to Perth right away dudeamundo. The fellow on the right in the Christmas staff photo looks like he is thinking about Dear Leader and he ain’t too Vee Gee Eyes about it either.
My guess is he is asking himself “What the fuck kind of a group have I joined anyhow? I gotta get outa here fast!”
” LEARN HOW TO HELP OTHERS TO ESCAPE THE DECEPTIVE MAZE OF LIFE.”
Yo Dave,
We’re doin’ it here each and every day good buddy! It’s a nasty job but someone’s gotta put those boots on since You are so busy muddying up the waters Mr. Douschbag.
Could someone who knows how please shoop the hand of that Socrates statue so that he’s flipping the bird?
“California Dreamin'”…in every sense of the word, for sure. You’re dreamin’, alright!
Hilarious Funnies, Mike!