Epic event
What other kind is there? And the easy answer to the question it poses is: very little, if anything.
Many apply, few are chosen
Oh, how they wish that were true. They practically beg to get anyone to join staff and now they are offering them full time training (tsk tsk, totally off policy)
Champion team
Not so much. 15 years later and Kansas City isn’t even close to getting an ideal org, even though a building was purchased there about 10 years ago I think…
Special Announcement
Absolutely anything to make it sound “new” — you can now do extension courses online. What an amazing breakthrough.
Oh no they didn’t…
Seriously, they put something out about this Scots lassie jumping to buy her status when she found out it was 50% off.
Dignity for all
Well Mr. Sarnoff, any dignity for the Hole dwellers? RPFers? 12 year olds joining the Sea Org? This is like a poster out of 1984. War is Peace.
WISE ship
The Moneywinds should be rechristened “SS External Influences” – everything they do is run by professional, non SO FSMs. Absolutely amazing. (An “external influence” was a derogatory term used by Hubbard to describe scienetologists who “ripped off” orgs by using their premises and public to make money. WISE was started to corral and control these people)
More SS External Influence
Monumental advances
These people gave us more money. We now have more to hoard. That is monumental for us. Sucks for you. But we are really pleased with ourselves.
Why I am a member of the team
Because, after being on staff for 5 years, I have completed the Student Hat.
Makes no damned sense at all.
Call To Arms
Of course, it’s URGENT. The release of OT IX and X is “imminent.” Time is running out.
They need 100 people NOW
Opening was announced and scrapped. They are obviously not even CLOSE to being ready.
This place will eventually open with a skeleton crew, most of whom will have been imported from somewhere else and will fit in like a few stray cats at the Westminster Dog Show.
Huh?
Why is the international head of CRIMINON doing an event about “Education and Drug Free World”? Because talking about Criminon doesn’t bring in as much money.
We are 26% done
After running this 50 x 50 game (whatever it is) for at least all of this year, this ideal org has managed to get 13 completions. It may be longer than a year…. Clearing Minneapolis, go team.
Commends are definite!
And that is what definitely matters (sorry about the formatting, it’s how it was sent to me)
We are doing our bit to save the planet
We wrote another check. You couldn’t ask for anything more. And of course, things are really shitty and they just keep getting shittier. So we just keep giving money, because we can see how it really works.
23% done
It’s the “final push” to get the money to find out how much money we need. Or something. And we are nearly there. 23% done. Not quite as good as Twin Cities but pretty damned good eh?
Credit, where credit is due
These posters are pretty cool. The images are great. Actually looks like someone with some artistic sense was involved.
What they mean is a different question, no clue.
Mike,
The opening photo of the seal has to be one of the funniest things posted here so far.
I could hardly stop laughing at the cheek of it mate.
Anyway the utter rubbish comig out of HAPI’s latest blinkered public in Edinburgh is unacceptable.
HAPI was going before these moroms were even born, delivering training and auditing.
She says she has been in a number of ideal orgs and how the training is faster and easier.
Quickied more like it, I did a lot of courses in Ldn Org in the 90’s and completed every one in checksheet time.
The Student points and completions were often in affluence. The academy was PACKED with up to 40 students at times.
Can she actually in all honesty say she saw this in any of the ideal orgs she went to?
This 50% off is typical of SOB as he knows they have very little £££’s to keep him in Scotch and smokes.
One might ask all the other seals in the USA why they are not getting 50% off their never ending donations.
I wish to make comment on behalf of Anita McGuigan; Anita was a long serving member of the SO at AOSHUK but was forced from office by events beyond her control and not of her causing.
She is one of the most beautiful beings a person could wish to meet. She is not Scottish but descended from the Holy Land of Ulster, however her working base is in Scotland.
She would not write or produce lies. Possibly she has visited Ideal orgs in other parts of the world but not all around the UK. The UK has five Ideal Orgs, four have never been renovated and opened since purchase. London Ideal Org is an impressive heap of mest kept afloat by second/third generation Scientologists and SO members from ST Hill UK.
Anita has been badly used and I do not believe that she wrote that misleading ‘hype’.
YO! OT7s and 8’s, LISTEN UP, ALL-A-YUZ:
Nobody no-how nowhere is promising nobody some stupid release date for OT9 and 10.
Not gonna happen!
For the simple reason is that yuze are on a Need To Know Basis, got that?
The release date for OT9 and 10 is for US to know and YOU to freakin’ find out, WHEN or IF we even ever feel like telling ‘ya.
So what this means is that pronto yuze are gonna shut your godamn yaps about when is the goddamn release date.
That means, ZIP IT.
Stop freakin’ askin’ us this same freakin’ question 24/7 cuz we’re freakin’ sick of hearing it.
Just shut up, and be ready. That’s all you need to do, and its simple enough.
Yah gotta problem with that?
Hell, I’d almost join staff at Mighty Miami just so I could gaze dreamily upon Natalia’s lovely visage all day!
But I’m sure that by Day Two of my 5-year contract, she’d probably come over and say, “GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND STOP 2D FLOWING ME AND GET ON POST YOU CICS!!!!!!” (with an unfiltered Kool clenched between her teeth). Yeah, Scientology does that to people, even presumably sweet-tempered young ladies like Natalia. Sigh.
And by the way, 5 years on staff and she’s only a Student Hat comp? WTF??
Re: 23% done thermometer. Rather that saying “Give it our all”, they come right out with what they really mean: “We need to GIVE IT ALL to make it happen”
I study a lot. I study everything. My area of expertise is political science. The past 2yrs. I have been studying nothing but alternative creation myths/explanations that really do sometimes make sense but sound nuts so no one is willing to whole heartedly go with it. I keep running past TOTAL and Absolute plagerized theories that are reworded by mr. Hubbard. He really did nothing but take ideas put them in his own words,mixed it with his know how in hypnotism and the electrical current in the human brain among other things to propigandize his followers into total indoctrination&mindcontrol. He Then used his creative side into how a sciencfictional advanced&telepathic society with perfection in the healing arts would practice medicine and psycology,ie “the bridge”. I swear this piece is really crazy to read because everything in it LRH touches on as His,all his ideas. When reading through this,he didn’t have a single idea that was his own,anywhere,not ever!!! Its amazing!!!! We should start class actions on the RTC and say it’s all plagiarized get every LRH idea and statement made as his and only his and put the original next to it as counter exhibit!!!! Please look at this it’s crazy but it’s LRHs sources! Wonder when they were doing upper OT levels was Eric vondannikens,”chariots of the Gods?” Was out..lol
http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/vida_alien/alien_humanitymanipulationalien01.htm
“This place will eventually open with a skeleton crew, most of whom will have been imported from somewhere else and will fit in like a few stray cats at the Westminster Dog Show.”
I’ve been searching for years how to describe my time on staff. That phrase is perfect.
Thank’s Mike. I’ll be able to sleep now.
[ Mark Marco, the relatively unknown stand-up comedian, submits the following (unusual) comment]
It was a sunny day, early in September, when I was asked to come out, forward, and explain myself: Why must you stand to speak at the funeral? …
Well, there was a man to the side, middle of the huddled crowd in black. The leader long dead, suffocation on his own vomit, now it was time to bury the religion once and for all, as ashes and dust. Eyes fall upon the priest, who, hand raising, says, Mark Marco is here, and a wave of murmuring rises, he has something to say says the priest and so comes a second rumble louder, then a thunderous hush, warm applause muffled so beautifully in the morning mist, hands in gloves, as he himself turns to witness and look upon them. Seeing everybody, he is so glad, the starlight of their eyes, sparkling every one like the sea. He is strangely taller, as if standing upon on podium, a podium still unseen in front of him, a smile warm and reassuring. He has aged. But the vocal chords are strong, and so, with presence expanding, he speaks:
.
.
.
You know, I gotta take the personal angle. Or at least make it appear that way in the blog, somehow. Or else we’d all be a bunch of suckers, lollipops, take your pick.
I need to put faces on those inside. To me, the jam they’re in is like, just like Alcatraz. Only this prison is a farm, harvesting souls, made up like that giant space ship, belonging to The Borg. I’m here for the prisoners. Yes, I am trained. Don’t see how to get through this otherwise. This ain’t no momma-boy trap. For one thing, it is invisible.
They are twice removed from being able to speak for themselves, and they’ve been that way for such time, a nightmare, truly, first hypnotized and then blocked, sealed from both sides of The Wall.
Then, their government chooses to be rather blind to the whole thing. If I can reach just one, just one, perhaps with my very next word, even. Then what would I say, hm?
I am me. I am standing. I can go where I want to go.
I can be, do, & have as I see fit, love who I see fit and for no other reason, nobody to stand in my way, nobody, not even for one minute, you know, the way it should be.
And the church is dead, amen, the followers ghosts.
[end act one, scene one]
You know, if it’s so important to get up the bridge to reverse the dwindling spiral, then how about making it so that those who don’t live in Beverly Hills or Bel Air can afford it. Well even some of them can’t. Yea, I know, “free service, free fall”, how about “price gouging prices, no customers”. Perhaps your motive is really not to get people up the bridge, but to break and bankrupt folks. Cause that is the prevailing E.P. What a fuckin racket. Let auditors audit for $30.00 an hr, end result would be lots of auditors, lots of P.C.’s. I think the stats are, that more than 95% of all trained auditors don’t audit. Idiots.
So what happens if you don’t complete by March 13th for the imminent-release-but-we’re-definitely-not-promising-anything OTIX & X? Really. What’s the worst that could happen?
mwestern,
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/84/8474b90e9ab9d4e892000077a85767e8792fdd67d1d18443f703d69e79c06e6b.jpg
Hah!
They won’t take your money? No wait that’s never going to happen!
It’s always fun to try to identify the things about Scientology that are unique and not paralleled in any other religion, but in a lot of cases you could probably find an exception — some nutty cult somewhere that does what Sci does. But I’ll bet dollars to donuts that Scientology is absolutely unique in making the shuffling and organizing of useless file folders a holy sacrament.
It’s amazing what they keep pumping out. How many files are there to file?! I helped Valley file files over 10 years ago. I remember seeing pics snce then of themr
I’m guessing the next big event will be either the Pope at the Int Base on a tour or a meeting (with at least one good photo) of DM and the Pope. This will mean that the Pope IS a Scientologist (as promoted in some sort of twisted piece, event, announcement…
Thursday Funnies #50. Every one of them funnier than the last. Thanks for keeping the laughs coming Mike. 🙂
You OTVIII’s better get off your asses, Dave isn’t going to give you a new carrot until you do all the tricks he wants you to do. Start looking into that second/third mortgage or that illegal organ ring, Daves new carrot won’t come cheap.
Regarding the photo of speaker David Jensen, posing with the double pointing fingers.
“Heyyyy!!”
Why would anyone think that this photo would create the desire in anybody to hear that guy speak?
The clams had nothing do with the superhero art. http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/hledej.php?hleda=villain
Aha, that makes good sense. I thought they seemed to good to be true!
The first ad is quite revealling: What is going to be accomplished by the end of this year?
As you scroll down, it magically appears: contraction to ZERO!
Yes Mike, you’re right the graphics on the Albuquerque Ideal are very good. Fooled around with the graphic arts myself trying to make a buck once and that sort of (if it’s original) talent either isn’t cheap or is very rare. What a waste…
Reminded me that there was this guy once who did best of the best clay demos figures. I thought seriously about pinching one or two but never did. Last I heard that guy saw the light and put a big distance between himself and the scam.
In reading and scanning over those funnies, it dawned on me how scientology now creates its own “truth on the run,” full time. At least back in the day we all sort of believed making auditors and plying the tech was the only way to go, misguided as it might have been, but at least it had a similarity to what was known as policy but it was the group think at the time. I know its pitifully obvious now but they as a group are totally soulless and care nothing about their own welfare or image. They have no focus at all past “money for the cause.” They assume they can donate their way out of trouble or that’s the OT solution. Miscavige is laughing all the way to the bank!
They have become so lost in their own bubble, they don’t know there is an up, down or sidewards to their own direction. I have finally found a application for, ‘stay down when you’re hit’, but they sure don’t pay me no never mind.
Mike, I had just experienced an unprecedented 47X laughters after reading your witty comments for these fliers
Thank you, nothing like starting a day with lots of fun.
Online courses. The test i/c advises that one can look up the answers to questions in the materials when taking tests. Oh, wonderful. Tells me it doesn’t test for knowledge of what one just studied at all. No the only knowledge gained on the course is how to look up answers in the book. Crock of shit. Totally worthless. Well except for increasing the number of course completions and raising stats. But then that is truly all this cult desires isn’t it?
Mike, I noticed that Pope Frances has been invited to address Congress…..here:
http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2015-09-24/pope-francis-addresses-congress-live-feed
I wonder if Dave will be asked as well? He could sure set them straight!
Yo Dave,
Better get the best of the best on it ………….. if you haven’t received an invitation from Obama you had better send Tom over to do some ass chewing good buddy! We really need the greatest ecclesiastical leader of the fastest growing religion in the world to do some planet saving and you are ‘Da-Man!”
He is the leader of the fastest expanding religion on earth!
and has the skid marks to prove it…
One could radomly pound on a keyboard and make more sense than what I just read.
love it, honestly I do.
Its actually true.
I’ve seen racingintheblood39 actually pull that off
Come as your alternate identity OMG. !!!! Are you sure Charles Manson is behind bars ???
What about the Fossil that completed Objectives ? Is he a OT 8 retread, I’ll bet good money on that.
The young girl who joined staff, pant,pant, drool, I want some of that !!!
Oh no !!!! they broke out the heavy artillery —–A MONEY THERMOMETER
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES
David Tougje needs to spend some of his money on a decent tailor. That sleeve length on his tux is a major faux pas!
I didn’t notice the sleeve length on the tux. I was too fixated on Linda’s dress. Totally fugly, and she can’t pull off turquoise, especially patterned turquoise. They should have hired a fashion consultant instead of “increasing their status”.
Good Lord. I don’t have the kind of money he spent to become a Patron Sphinctorious (and I’d bet neither has he. He’ll probably be in debt the rest of his life!) but you can bet I would never be seen in such ill-fitting formal wear. I swear, money is wasted on the rich.
The “we need 100 right now” made me laugh out loud right now. Also props on the posters, I want one (but don’t want to pay Scientology prices).
Love this “No one is promising a release date. But we are TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAD BETTER
be ready.” Wow such high ARC I BETTER rush and write out that check.
I think they say that so if there’s not enough members ready, it’s not a problem since there no release date. This could get very interesting if just a hand full of members is all they get. And don’t forget to BE READY!
I think you’re 100% on this, OSD. They’ve got a built in excuse that could go on for years.
And this will give Mismanage the time he needs to cobble some stuff together he has named “Orders of Magnitude” and “Character”. I mentally shivered when I read these names for OT9 & 10. They both communicate, “Give me MONEY!, BIG money!” to me.
Mike,
A note on your Niacin post the other day and LRH’s habit of in the beginning of a paragraph saying some item “appears” to cause this or that affect and later making a concrete scientific pronouncement on the subject.
I remember when watching 1950’s horror/sci-fi flicks there was always some scientist character who would make a comment in the course of the film like “it APPEARS the alien spider creature ingests highly radio-active materials, like this chunk of uranium ore here, and where is would KILL any earth creature, this alien creature actually GROWS larger. I’m sorry Mr President, General Hatcher. I’m afraid it’s a Scientific Fact, if you use the A-Bomb on that giant spider in the desert approaching Los Angeles, it can only grow larger. You won’t be killing it, you will be FEEDING it.”
Thereafter the President and jingoist General ignore the sage advice of the Scientist and A-bombs rain on the alien spider like spring showers and it instead of merely being the size of the Empire State it grows to the size of a medium sized city, thereby proving conclusively scientist was right.
I think it’s pretty clear where LRH got his style of scientific pontificating and proof making. Hollywood movie logic.
Props to Michael Crichton though. In The Andromeda Strain, they do have a reasonable scientific basis, within the fictional context, for concluding that the atomic explosion will cause the infectious pathogen to wildly proliferate. Major whoops that they had the Wildfire complex rigged to automatically detonate the nuke if there was a containment breach. Read the book or see the movie (original) to find out what happens…
“a few stray cats at the Westminster Dog Show” —wonderful!
Re: TThe staff recruitment poster
I have a friend who is doing a series of interviews with me for her psychology class. This week we were discussing my recruitment into SO. She said “so, you were recruited into SO because you were a cut above the normal scientologist?”
I laughed. I told her that’s what I believed at the time. Basically it wasn’t that hard to qualify and most people who wanted to go could. I said these days I believe I was duped into joining because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Breath on the mirror was the main requirement.
Good job Valerie! Here is another,
” It is only you at the upper bands of the first OT levels that have the power to reverse the dwindling spiral ….”
that has been going on since 1950 I might add!
In reality ….. ‘It is only you who we can dupe into giving us your money, your time and your kids that will make this planet a dogs breakfast for all!’
YOu got that right, Valerie! Many are chased and hunted down like dogs, ALL are chosen, and whatever sticks to the wall stay.
Mike, LOVE the laughing seal picture! Perfect.
“Many are chased and hunted down like dogs, ALL are chosen, and whatever sticks to the wall stay”.
Very funny! And soooo true.
First off, Valerie, let me state that you ARE a cut above! And you’re quite correct regarding joining the SO: Breath on a mirror. And yes, you were duped. We all were in some form or another. Once again, dropping acid once in college kept me out of harms way later in life.
Yep, good old LSD. Trip your way to freedom. I never knew how valuable it would turn out later in life either. You see… the psych’s aren’t all bad.
Oh my….Now that’s some funny shit! “Trip your way to freedom!”
“Hey John! How’d you get out of joining the SO?
“Jim, I tripped my way to freedom!”
“Damn! Wish I had dropped acid! Now I’m stuck in the SO! It’s too late for me, but, I’m going to tell others that they can ‘trip their way to freedom.’
“Yes, Jimmy boy! Spread the word!”
Aaaw OSD flattery will get you everywhere.
Valerie, I have a theory that the flattery that was used to get people to join staff and particularly to sign up for the SO worked best on those who were most vulnerable, and by that I mean, those individuals who had the strongest desires to help.
It startles me to think…
when I got kicked out of Portland Mission, I thought, “This place is so screwed up. I… I wonder…
could I get into Sea Org? No, no way, not after getting kicked outta here…”
And I decided to go to Tahoe and be a ski bum, try to enjoy my freedom-
never knowing how close the prison of belief was to my tail.
It is always all about what you believe.
Thanks for posting, Valerie
You made the right choice for sure Marco.
What’s the piece on “Standings” about? What standings? Surely it’s about money, but money for what? And why isn’t Los Angeles — the model Ideal Org — in the top 10?
Then there’s the piece about NEW OT9 and 10. Was there an OLD OT 9 and 10?
The same piece goes on to say “no one’s promising a release date but you better be ready”. Does that mean the OT7s and 8s aren’t ready and waiting for the new OT levels? They need to be prodded?
Sheesh.
And some of us need to do our A to E and about 10,000 hours of amends to say nothing of the money needed to buy your status and redo the do-do of getting through all of your training courses from bottom up on the bridge again.
Yo Dave,
I’m on it good buddy! No prodding needed! The bigger question is, can I make it before you release Ohh-Tee Niner?
Short answer here Dave: YES!
Scientology is obsessed with hitting targets. Can you imagine if Pope Francis urged Catholics to route more bodies into the Catholic Church to meet targets, as opposed to urging Catholics to feed the poor, and serve the underserved? Can you see David Miscavige serving lunch to the homeless instead of dining with Washington’s elite? Me neither.
Lori – or can you see David washing peoples feet, like the Pope did? Now that’s a vision! That would be a great punishment for the little cretin.
I say we create a special car wash in Hemet for Him. Marty can design it since he has already done one in Texas and then Dave can show up in His Golden Thong to wash feet. It could be a great fund raiser for the cherch!
Newcomer – you crack me up every time. I actually look for your posts, you and OSD.
Yeah, well, Coop and I are certainly a couple of crack pots! But, there’s just sooooo much material coming out of the cult and we can use! It’s actually never ending!
Thanks for the kind words.
[this recovered from deep within the archives of the Niacin post (1000 comments?)]
Scientologists listening to wogs??? Radio Paul, are you mad? We’re wogs, for Christ’s sake! We don’t know shit about shit! Speaking of shit, let me enlighten everyone regarding religions:
This will put a smile on your face! And if it doesn’t, declare me!
Taoism: Shit happens.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Buddhism: It is only the illusion of shit happening.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock, knock. Shit happens.
Atheism: There is no such thing as shit.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens…and maybe it doesn’t.
Protestantism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder.
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserved it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?
Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you (First cousin to Scientology)
Rastafarianism: Smoke that shit (ya mon! We have good shit in Jamaica!)
Unitarianism: Who gives a shit?
-Old Surfer Dude
Scientology: Pay us or shit will happen.
Scientology: Pay us or shit will happen.
And you brought it in you CICS
Yea. Pay us and shit will still happen if you don’t pay some more. (ad infinitum)
Ain’t that the truth, Margaret! “Pay us or shit will happen.” Nice! And yes, GTBO, we ALL brought it in because we are CICS! Man, the shit they say in the cult!
Old Surfer Dude, Now that’s some funny shit!
the most beautiful byte i ever got off the web?
was here, yeah, same guess who guy, from the minute before, lost in the archives.
-I gotta let you have this cindy don’t forget me
.
.
.And you captured it perfectly! Where I surf, we have a pod of dolphins that come by every so often. They’ll actually body surf waves that we’re board surfing on. When they have their calves with them. they almost look like toys. In Hawai’i, I had a dolphin named Puka that I had complete access to. She was so wonderful. When I would come into the compound, she would jump up and down in her pool waiting for me to get in. We would play games and I was just talk to her. When you look into her eyes, you would see a loving, compassionate, intelligent, being looking right back at you. She just had a dolphin body. Most magical time of my life….
-OSD
OSD, as we used to say at the International Base of Scientology – (Major disaster comes down the lines, with everybody’s pointing fingers at everybody else) :
The Perpetrator of the Disaster: “Hey man, I know that was a disaster and I know it’s my fault but what the hey man, Shit Happens!”
Master of the Disaster: (often referred to as the Tin Horn Dictator or Chairman of the non-existent Board) “Shit is gonna happen to YOU man and right now! I need the Evap Pond cleaned out! Lou, take this down…”
Everybody else: “You see? That’s how the world works! It all makes sense now! Shit happens! TO ASSHOLES!!!”
Truer words were never spoken! Nice post, Bruce!