Groundbreaking?
Not literally — they are having this event at the cricket stadium? (Which they cannot even spell correctly — like a New Yorker calling it Maderson Square Garden)
Wow, 10% discount!
Means only a 900% markup over cost
25% of each area’s population
Hahahaha. They don’t even have a presence in half the states in the US.
2 million booklets wouldn’t even cover 25% of LA area…
OMG a special message from the ED Dublin
Likely to be delivered in a bottle: “Help!”
wonder if it’s the “ED” of the failed mission or the “ED” of the PR Office?
Of course, nothing says St. Patrick’s Day like englishmen dressed in red and yellow.
The Beggars are Back
Send your money for the LRH Birthday…
For the 4 minute mile (?) and the Way To Happiness and Ideal Orgs (?)
For “ideal orgs” in Australia… Now the “ANZO Team”
For the Queen and the ideal orgs in the UK… It’s the “British Team”
And you know they are form letters — “we’ve love to hear from you” is the sign off for each one.
You gotta love their application of “publics,” they assume whatever title and pitch they think will work best to get money.
Prosperity never gets old
Especially given that no money = no “bridge progress” and no bridge progress means no commissions.
The new “thing”
Send out a calendar to try and make yourselves look busy
Obviously, everyone got the same order.
Not so Mighty My Mammy
Still trying to get those files filed with bribes of lottery and movie tickets…. Remember when they were going to be done before March?
What does this mean?
They are claiming THEY changed a million lives one day?
This looks SOOOO cool!
Come for the pizza, sit through “graduation”
Spellchecker’s corner
This one HAS to win a spot in the Hall of Shame.
Tony Muhammad is shilling for the IAS now?
Must be those commissions calling….
Pat Parody
He’s baaaack. After a long time absence he is going to tell you how to make money and turn it over so he gets commissions…
Seriously?
They are sending out promo because a person joined the Sea Org?
“We are making planetary clearing a reality”
Oh yes, Scientology Ethics and Justice
FUBAR
“Trillions of years ago…”
Like back when you were all powerful? So how come Clears today aren’t like that?
No hype here.
Only the wealthy survive
More evidence that the ONLY way you can live as a staff member is to have other sources of income. And note, she is not being lauded for how well her dismally small and failing org is doing. No, the kudos in scientology are reserved for those who hand over cash.
This one could also have gone in Spellchecker’s corner.
31 August 1980
They apparently don’t even think there is anything odd that they haven’t “put it there” in 37 years.
I wonder if they also think it is odd that they got a letter from L. Ron Hubbard at the same time he was telling a court in Riverside County he was living in seclusion and had no contact with the world or scientology specifically?
Done Sir
What did you get done? According to this, absolutely nothing.
When all lives are wasted it’s followed by “death”
What an oddly appropriate fundraising theme this is.
Perth is NOW
Not really. Maybe by 2020 when they can announce their “space planning documents are done”
But Elton John looks like he had a great time…
More “prosperity”
Commissions, commissions, commissions.
New math?
What’s wrong with SuMP?
They bring people all the way to Gold rather than using SuMP even for Voice Overs for the Orientation Film?
Valley VaVoom
They’re holding a stealth opening on Sunday at 1pm. You have to CALL the org to find out the time… And then a dinner on Monday? Anyone want to take bets on whether they will be fundraising at the dinner? Recruiting? Both? Remember, there are no free dinners in Scientology.
The arrogance
Scientology organizations are going to be lucky if they survive a century — they expanded for 25 years and have been contracting for the next 40.
But they are absolutely certain they will make the Roman Empire look like a failure of “bank agreement.”
This is bubble-think.
“We’ve” love to hear from you?
For goodness’ sake…
Cyndie Cloutier, get your ass back in school.
She looks around the age people here go to Cegep – the schools you go to either do the two-years university requirements or to get a 3-year technical degree. Keep in mind that Cegep is *free* to attend, and allows you to acquire very valuable marketable skills.
It was also a very fun time for me. People’s stint in Cegep are often the best years of their lives. It’s often then that you get your first appartment, your first car. It’s where you start building your professional network.
She’s forgoing a free quality education, and the best years of her life to go sweep floors and clean dumpsters with a toothbrush with people who will drop her like garbage the moment she wakes up, and would be useless in any case to find a real job.
Yeah, and I noticed that the Quebec Ideal Org got a “Well Done” for “promoting” Cyndie to the Sea Org.
In other words, after Quebec Org scrounged and struggled and did all the work it takes to bullshit that poor girl into joining staff, the SO waltzed in and ripped her off.
Typical scientology personnel management idiocy. I hope she wakes up and gets the fuck out soon.
Some comments on the latest installment of Thursday’s Funnies:
Form letters, filing, and busy work calendars. This “religion” has all the charm of a work cubicle. Yup, that sure looks like the place to find spiritual enlightenment.
Poor Cyndie Cloutier… how long before she realizes she has been chewed up, crushed, and discarded, with all her life and vitality sucked out of her. Let’s all send her good vibes so she can wake up sooner than later and get the hell out of that mess of a cult.
“Trillions of years ago”. Really. Trillions? LRH always seemed to pull these grandiose numbers out of his magical fat ass, along with everything else in this sham of a “religion”. Can any active $cientologist with the smallest of amount of science knowledge seriously look me in the eye and say the universe is trillions of years old just because Hubbard said so?
$cientology… the laughing stock of the whole world.
Perth is NOW? Lol .. I’m from Perth in WA and I was not aware of our alternative scottish history but trust the CoS to know more about it than me! But what is the 200 000 about? Is that what they raised or something? Sounds suss to me, we’re in a downturn atm & I don’t believe they have a great presence here (no religions do because the majority of Australians don’t follow religion or go to church – that number might be changing due to immigration but for not old aussie families at any rate) … I’ve read that Xenu book by Margery & am now reading a bio on L. Ron by Gerry Armstrong (?) & learning heaps. It is an interesting story, which would be funny if it didn’t actually affect the lives of real people, over generations ?
They are still talking about a Durban Ideal Org – what a hoot! Look at their Facebook page – There’s about 7 people including the Howarths, the Howarth’s domestic worker and the Howarth’s gardener. For South African Scientology events its a common ploy to include domestic staff in pics to boost the ‘crowd’. Of course these guys are the really clever ones – they smile and wave for Mrs Howarth’s pictures , take the extra bus money and RUN!!
Yeah – and it is ironic that they are fundraising / fund-draining with a game where they run around shooting one another. I know it is all in fun, but when you know that Durban org was funded unwittingly by donors around the country who did not know that their donations were being funneled to Durban, then a property was bought, then looked at by architects (at a fee, no doubt) who decided they could not space plan it, then demolished into a parking lot, and then sold because they did not like the location…. well a game of laser tag sounds about right. At ZAR250,00 per head (a little under USD 20,00 at current exchange rates), and no doubt not all of it profit, it seems unlikely to put the smallest dent in unraveling the Durban Debacle. No doubt – like Johannesburg North – they will keep doing bits and pieces of fundraising here and there while hoping for a sudden windfall from overseas aided by the strength of the dollar or pound, to keep Int Management happy. Its doubtful that anyone really cares about a big building to house 7 people (or even 17 or 70) that will cost an arm and a leg in maintenance, property rates, and electricity (and maybe security) – oops there go the paltry staff salaries. This is all about 1) Someone’s stat at Int Management; 2) Looking like something big is happening when it is not; 3) A distraction from real issues such as the shrinking membership and the fact that the upper OT levels will never be released because they don’t exist – just got to keep this going another few decades. That last bit will be interesting.
“… We are going to expand our members… ”
That sounds… Painful.
I get those e-mails all the time. It doesn’t actually work…so I’m told.
Dave,
Valley Yank:
Yanking in the Valley on the same day as the LA Marathon is another stroke of not-a-genius. Only the most severely clubbed die hard true believers will show up to watch. Keep an eye out for the North Hollywood gangs; they always enjoy putting a head on a pike.
I was drawn to the photo of the Roman ruins with the LRH quote:
“a bank that says the group is all and the individual is nothing.”
Um…I recall many times in recruitment cycles that I was told my 1st dynamic(individual) goals were selfish and I needed to focus on the 3rd dynamic(group-meaning the church)
How about a photo of an empty ideal org with the following caption:
“a bank that says the Chuch of Scientology is all and the individual member is nothing.”
Interesting. A narration of “what scientology is” for the Belgian market. In light of the recent lawsuit the cult dodged there, perhaps this should be named the “I am not a crook” project.
I’d like to see an episode about the church applying for credit on members behalf, without their foreknowledge or permission. Dodo the Laser, over on the Bunker, posted a bit in the comments a couple of months ago, about an elderly lady friend coming to him in tears, because the church had gotten her a $4000 credit increase that she could not afford for services or donation she did not want. The 2nd mortgages, I think Michael Fairman said he was looking into selling a kidney (possibly in jest) in one of Tiziano Lugli’s videos. They are regging people into bankruptcy, and have absolutely no care of the lives ruined. Hy Levi (?) said, years later, he really thought he was helping people. You say helping people, i say shakedown. SMH
If they can use !’s then I can use ” “‘s.
What heck is a “3nd” (or in written form, a thirdnd)? Could it be a 2nd (second) with delusions of grandeur? Oh jeez, it gets worse, an “Ideql Org”.
I want to know what’s in the “famous goodies bag by Chris Nobbe.” CF – Can’t Finish or Continually F–ked.
Oh, I see, it’s a pizza. I thought it was Tom Cruise looking a bit pastry faced after a long night out.
“Done Sir!” and the reply should be, “You certainly have been mate.”
Perth is now – I felt rather ill after reading that childish crap.
I’m sure you’ve seen Kirstie tweeting up a storm today. Do you think she really believes there are 10 million members?
Doesn’t it occur to her that she has never seen
more than 5,000 at one time (or whatever the number was for the ‘The War Is Over’ speech)
Re the upcoming Havingness and Prosperity seminar being presented by Oatee 8, pole-running completion and 17x Power FSM, Pat Parodi:
I just love a good blast from the past and to hear what’s become of my one-time fellow cultists after all these many years. Pat and I were jumped into the cult in Sacramento, Ca. at about the same time, way back in the late 70’s. He was a great guy then and appears to have stuck with the program and made it to the tippy top of the bridge…another $cn success story!
I can’t help but wonder, though, out of the literally hundreds of $cilons that I knew then, exactly how many have stuck with it as Pat has and made it all the way up the bridge, while continuing to be a $cilon in good standing with the cherch to this day? I’d be very surprised if even 10% of that total number are still lining up at the kool-aid trough and bending over to receive some more of lil davey’s “wisdom”.
Indeed, $cn is not only a jealous, Old Testament-style religion, but it almost seems intentionally designed to chew up, then spit out, all who accept its cold embrace. Do you think folks like Pat ever give any thought to the reasons why $cn has such an incredibly poor retention rate? Probably not; it’s best to never reflect upon the past in any sort of open way if you wish to remain in it. That’s because, as the bodies pile up, it becomes harder and harder not to notice that something’s dead and stinkin’ there.
I wish that I’d had the sense and compassion to take a few of my fellow cultists with me when I made my exit, but in $cn you’re conditioned not to talk about your doubts or concerns about the cult or your own participation in it. Instead, you suffer in silence and isolation, thinking at first that it must be you that’s inherently defective or unable to cut the mustard, based on your own lack of purpose and drive. So you drift away quietly, slowly distancing yourself from your former cult comrades, and wishing to keep your own loss of faith to yourself, so as spare others from being contaminated by your own inner turmoil.
If Pat continues to be a happy $cn camper, then good for him…after all, who am I to rain on his parade? Still, I can’t help but think about the many more who were with Pat and I at the outset of our journey up the bridge who ended up disillusioned like myself, or even worse, chewed up and spit out by this uncaring cult. Where are they? How well did they recover from their indoctrination? How much of their lives and fortunes did they squander before waking up the truth about Elron and his hokey space opera cosmology?
I may never find out the answers to those questions, but here’s one thing that I do know for sure: The only kind of prosperity that’s going to result from attending Pat’s upcoming seminar is the commission that he earns by influencing folks to spend way more than they can afford to become as crazy as Elron was when he died, chasing away the same kind of imaginary space alien spirits that haunted him till his dying day.
Harpoona,
In depth and accurate observation. I would put the retention rate roughly at 1 in a thousand, or 0.1%.
I agree, it’s probably much lower than that, considering how long ago it was when Pat and I were co-cultists.
It would be really interesting to see the true “drop out rate” figures, broken down by different categories, such as by year; by age of cultist when they joined; by education level at time of joining” and the like.
My bet there is that the $ea Orgy has the worst rate of attrition and that huge numbers exited the cult when the mission system was dismantled in the early 80’s.
I believe his sister is Genie Sherman? Married to Eric Sherman who I have not seen doing his movie production seminars at CCI for a long time. I would also put retention rate well below 10%. Also Pat has been at this since early 80’s – say ’85 and only won power FSM 17 times? What about the other 15 years? Last I knew he had no other income.
I met Pat in 1982 and he was making his money as an FSM even then. He has re done OT VIII and OT VII probably at least 3 times. He is one who will turn the light out as the last one to leave when the cult implodes.
Pat Parody is an appropriate symbol of scientology’s promise to transform you into an extraordinarily capable person who is at cause over MEST and who can conquer the world.
He has made a killing selling scientology promises as an FSM. He has not, however, ventured out into the world to do his conquering but has instead stayed safely within the confines of scientology-ville. He is giving seminars on how to achieve success! But he has not achieved success in terms of the scientology ideal of setting the world on fire.
If Mr. Parody were to stay within the parameters of his real qualifications he would be giving seminars on how to make money giving seminars to scientologists on how to make money.
Let’s face it, scientologists aren’t going to make a splash in the world. They aren’t known for being creative innovators, bound as they are to a formulaic, by-the-numbers approach to the challenges of living. That narrow vision is often called, “practicing scientology”.
They keep pushing “A Way to Happiness” but I don’t think I have ever seen a happy Scientologist. Even Tom Cruise bouncing up and down on the couch looked manic but not happy. On video Scientologists look angry or stone faced. DM tries to look happy when he is giving speeches but it is just an act. There are a lot of happy ex-Scientologists though.
Tc and mcsavage look, umm, botoxed. Or pickled.
I wish my calendar was that empty. I’m jealous. Or not. When we live in a world where we pull out our smart phones and compare calendars to figure out an hour of day when we can all get together, those calendars are just lol.
If anyone would like to look at Mark Bunker speaking at the council meeting in Clearwater it’s on You Tube. Well done!
On the shameful 5-error MISSive from “Ship Office”, I hate to say this, Mr. Rinder, but you missed one. There’s a sixth error in the closing sentence: “Please let us know that you will be there AN make sure you come in to get your tickets so you get the best seats ;)”
Maybe the fact that the aforementioned closing sentence not only has an abbreviated winking smiley instead of a full one [;-)], but lacks a period or exclamation point to close the sentence itself should count as well, as numbers seven and eight. What do the rest of you think?
when I saw “their OFF”, I automatically tried to figure out what an OFF was, and why would the be so excited about “them” having one… 😉 Lil’ Davey MIGHT have caught they’re error had he completed High school.(or not had that bottle of scotch the night before)
Wow. These Scn bulletins remind me of the adverts/info that came with my brother’s MLM salesperson stuff every month, recruiting, etc. O.o talk about being trapped in an alternate universe where the leading opinion makers are disjointed from reality THAT much. Synthetic saccharine false positivity creating a facade of believability to pull strings on their puppet kingdom….
Is it just me, or does this current batch seem especially out-of-touch, desperate – and ridden with spelling errors?
I noticed elsewhere that someone posted a piece that the Tampa org had put out on social media, trying to promote how the were international and could serve multiple languages – because they had 3 new auditors who were all native Russian speakers. I think that says more about how far they are having to reach to get staff, I can’t imagine there are very many Russians in Tampa who can’t speak enough English to be audited in that language – and it looked like 2 of the 3 might be Russian speakers from some of the poor Asian republics far from Moscow, to boot. The way the piece was written, the presented is as if the 3 might only be able to handle Russian-speaking PCs – and even if that is just more of their bad writing, what it probably means in reality, is that their almost exclusively English-speaking membership will have to deal with being audited by staff for whom it is a second language. Russians wouldn’t travel to be audited to clear at the Tampa org, would they?
The errors in this batch of promo look to me more like they represent the sorry educational state and unprofessional sloppiness of the remaining scientologists, perhaps particularly the second- and third-generation ones.
I thought the same thing. Very desperate at every turn. They need some hooked on phonics. I guess they do not have anyone to proofread or run spell check.
One non-sequitur after another.
There’s no doubt about the lack of intelligence or sanity.
Terrible. Sad. 🙂
In the UK money grab, they want you to give them 1000 of the Queen’s notes – I don’t think the Queen is going to be too happy about that…
Also, smallest value notes they have in the UK is a fiver, so provided you cheapskates only give the smallest denominations, that’s only GBP 5,000.
They really are cray cray…
I was cray cray once. But now I’m just crazy…
Crayons or crayfish? I much prefer a seafood explanation.
😉 that’d be crawfish where I’m from, IYawnalot
Clearly all of Scientology needs to go to cramming on the “Professionalism” Policy Letter.
If your stuck in the 50s and don’t like rock and roll come on out and give us money an see The Jive Aces ?
I see the glitzy ads and the smiling faces and promises of a better world. Very easy to skim and ignore. Yet, I don’t see where anyone is doing better at anything. Back in the day, people could at least talk about being “more able”. These ads are all about fun and donating money. I guess I’ll pass.
Celebrate the “vicotries”? The church really has to start trafficking humans with better English. This is embarrassing! But anyway…2 million WTH booklets were passed out last year? That’s impressive indeed but may I ask, what were the RESULTS??? I mean, besides the littering. Are the course rooms less empty for instance?
Curious……Clearwater is going to gave a Prosperity Seminar the evening of March 18th…?????? Isn’t that the same time as the LRH Birthday Bash?
And did Elton John really appear at ANZO ?
But seriously folks………as a never-in, seeing how the CoS communicates with its members, kinda reminds me of the time I entered that popular clearing house sweepstakes. ‘Over-the-top in their hype you “could” win and positively relentless in the solicitation to buy something….anything, just buy.
Thank you Mike.
I noticed the word ideal is now loosely used, such as “Ideal Honorary Team”, Ideal United Kingdom, Ideal CF Party, Ideal …..etc, etc.
And Miscavige is happy as he has the Ideal Scam.
I made Ideal cumin biscuits this morning to go with my Ideal ricotta omelette. Had an Ideal cup of coffee too. Now I’m going to quit talking Ideal before this thing goes scatological.
🙂
That one gal, Cynthia, doesn’t look very happy at all. But she’s trying.
Then there is a financial seminar to reach you how to make more money? So they can ask you for it?
Wow.
It’s difficult for Scientologists to smile. Why? Because it hurts…
So what do you reckon Scios laugh at? Not that they have much to laugh about, but that brief time when merriment occurs… probably at events when someone holds up a board with “LAUGHTER” written on it. Canned mentalness following a script… sheeh, just thinking about this gives me the horrors!
Are Kathy and Mary Elizabeth playing rock, paper, scissors? I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.
If one is aware of the psychological meaning of Projection, you understand all the prosperity seminars.
My goodness, no offence intended to kids but these flyers are straight out of the sandbox. They all display simple, juvenile and childlike attributes. If it wasn’t for the somewhat weird imagination bestowed upon it, Scientology wouldn’t exist at any level. They live in a dream world those people, where being miserable, broke and desperate are the actuality, but all the while dreaming of grandeur.
Those that profit from $cientology are the real villains of that nightmare.
What are you talking about, I Yawn? I just got out of my sandbox and my pockets are full…
Biggest laugh of the day, thanks…..”We now have the technology of Ethics and Justice straightened out”
Vicotries……….. you must use this one in future.
Scientology helps you to become vicotries over MEST.
Thank you Ron. I could not have done this without you. I am having soooo many vicotries. Hip hip!!…………………Now where is a picture of Ron when you need one.
All vicotries to 100% standard make believe!
I wonder whomever did not use spell check and submitted their work, will be in trouble.
Sent to the hole for embarrass the great cos?
It could also be some poor kid up all night to save the planet and was just too tired to see when spell check came up. Fear of downstats, working fast, coffee at midnight. The shabby grammar and spelling is probably as a result of this.
Or, these kids have very low English education and are commanded to:
MAKE IT GO RIGHT OR WE WILL PUNISH YOU!
I see kids around the complex in Hollywood in Sea Org and punishment costumes. They look so troubled.
Years ago at least there were smiling believers. The place use to be bustling. I was there when they put the cross up on the building. So many people were there.
Now all I see is troubled looking youngsters and tired older people.
Sad
Anymor when they advertize and cant get the speling rite i just cring.
Also their use of large font, double bold, for “ED” now suggests to me of erectile disfunction. Think about that Davy, is this your new truth in advertising? Are you really stating that your chief spokespersons are truly ‘broke dick’?
These adverts make the world in Alice in Wonderland look sane.
A relief it’s tech issues. Had a wild though you’d forgotten to renew the site and someone at Scientology was going to register it to them.
The “Done Sir!” Club …. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha … ok, I’m done. sir … laughing
Me too! I’m done & done! No mas! Finished! Over! Leave me the Hell alone!
Wow! I feel so much better now! That ‘Walking Away Tech’ really works!
Whine Alert:
Joe P, I just had the same “Done Sir” pun idea but you’ve beaten me to it – waaaaa…:) 🙂
Thanks, Mike, for more good Funnies, and thank God we’re all able to laugh at this stuff, you know?
Sita Benatatos is now the D/Building Expansion Dir Int? I presume the D is for deputy. I hope nothing has happened to Brandy Harrison?
What ever happened to her?
I’m at a loss. Does the church now tell members there are on a few million people left in the world? Why would ANYONE think that 2m3,5,10 million TWTH would add up to 25% of the population of just 4 or 5 cities in the US alone. Sheesh! So not only can we not spell, I guess we can’t add, subtract or do percentages either. Oh yeah, you’re winning the day dave.
Apologies for technical difficulties anyone is experiencing this morning. Working to resolve them. Was an administrative error with GoDaddy now corrected. And some problems with site host so certain images are not showing up randomly. Bear with us while we try to resolve.
I thought YNW had you kidnapped, took down the blog and was gonna start posting favorably about YKW.
Oh I thought it was my computer! I can see everything now! Thanks Mike!