The next Terra Cognita essay that follows closely the last 2: The Condition of Liabilitiness and Condition of Doubtfulness — Terra is injecting a little more humor into this one. Though of course, satire is often mistaken for fact when it comes to the bubble of scientology.
See earlier Terra Cognita: The Mind, The Way To Happiness: Really? A Story, Auditing: a PC’s Quest for the Holy Grail, The Knowledge Report, Integrity, The Almighty Stat, The Reg, The Horrors of Wordclearing, Why Scientologists Don’t FSM, Respect, The Survival Rundown – The Latest Scam, Communication in Scientology… Or Not, Am I Still A Thetan?, To Be Or Not To Be, An Evaluation of Scientology, Fear: That Which Drives Scientology and Justification and Rationalization.
Nothing Stopping Us Now! Two New Conditions!
Breaking news! Scientology Supreme Leader, David Miscavige, has found another box in the far reaches of the closet containing TWO more Conditions! These previously undiscovered game-changers will officially be released at the first ever Golden Age of Admin event and are what will send Scientology skyrocketing to incredible new heights never before imagined, in the world, this lifetime, and blow you away, you betcha! These are the missing puzzle pieces this section of the universe has been waiting for and which has kept man enslaved. These conditions are guaranteed to blow the lid off of expansion!
In an unprecedented gesture of good will (some think he accidentally hit a wrong key on his laptop), DM has forwarded these two new Conditions to Mike Rinder. The first falls directly below the Condition of Confusion. The second sits just above the Condition of Power! Hold on to your wallets! In you’re in for a swift ride! Here they are!!!
Condition of Death
It will be found that when a human a body stops fogging a mirror, its heart stops beating, and the needle no longer registers on the dial, a condition of Death exists.
The formula for the Condition of Death is just one step:
Find a new body.
Condition of Simon Bolivar
What a song it is to inherit a successful pair of steel-toed boots. There is nothing to it. Just step in the boots and start kicking your rivals to the curb.
Life is lived by lots of people. And if you lead, you must rule with an iron fist. If you have power, wield it or you sure won’t have it long. When you have people, use them until they threaten your position and then get rid of them.
Never move off a point of power and never pay all your obligations. Always keep them wanting more. Abandoning power utterly is dangerous indeed.
The formula for the Condition of Simon Bolivar is:
- The first law of a Condition of Simon Bolivar is to eliminate all opposition, imagined or real.
- Assume the highest ranking position of that project, organization, or group to which you belong if not already attained.
- Consolidate your control by assigning the remaining members of the group new posts, ensuring they’re not fully hatted or so competent as to threaten your base of power.
- Create new opposition and do everything possible to eliminate it.
- Have those directly under you write up your hat and eliminate them.
- Identify the group member most likely to succeed you and eliminate that person. Continue this step until all potential threats have been removed.
- Post all wives, husbands, next of kin, and mistresses to Buffalo or Perth, whichever is farthest from your base of operation.
- And lastly and most important, always push power in the direction of yourself.
L. Ron Hubbard
Founder
Still not Declared,
Terra Cognita
If $camology was a person then the two new conditions would skyrocket the expansion to three millimetres above the ankles. Ooh, the excitement! Ooh, the unbounded joy! Ooh, the heck with it !!!!!!!!!!
Demento is stuck in a mobius strip rut of his own making.
Terra, now if I had to Method 9 your conditions, I’d flunk because I’d keep laughing.
I wonder if never-ins find this funny, or if you have to have suffered through doing conditions for years with little change, and reading the Simon Bolivar policy letter while the supervisor watched you for any sign of study phenomena.
I remember the first time I read the enormously long, (gotta get a little Sherman-speak in there) Simon Bolivar policy. Who knows why I had to read it? It was long and it’s message basically, get people to hurt, threaten or kill people for you to protect you. And if you are an underling, hurt, threaten or kill people for that person you are “pushing power” to.
That is so not who I am. How did I not have a cognitive dissonance melt-down right there in the courseroom? I guess, dat be da koolaid.
Oh joy I can give kisses, hugs, long talks and true love to give power to those I love and admire. It feels to great to say it.
I think I’m in a condition of:
Freed From Thought Stopping Control
The formula is:
Look for the kind people in your life, write down their names
Tell each one all the reasons they are wonderful and special to you
Make time to see, talk to or write, or if you must text, them regularly
Hug often
Kiss deeply
Love with abandon
Cry
Tell your truth
Commit acts of unappreciated and unacknowledged kindness often
Start a conversation and let it meander and learn
Create something that makes you smile and is worth nothing
Hike until you’re dirty and hungry, then eat and swim
Urban walk and meet strangers in your neighborhood and see how nice people are for no reason
Watch something silly on TV
Make a child laugh
Go past a no trespassing sign in the woods and explore
When you find yourself repeating the steps randomly because that is now your life, you don’t need conditions anymore.
Clearly yay fine, clearly so.
SP’s cannot finish a “Psycho” of Action – and that is EXACTLY what Scientology IS
Unfinished Cycles of Action – over and over and over
These people are in total confusion and pretend to have certainty!
That is what happens when you allow someone else to think for you.
Check it out Lurker’s – get honest and straight with yourself!! You have been utterly bamboozled!
There is the Condition of Sitting On The Beach In A Country Without An Extradition Treaty With A Cool Drink In The Hand. COB really should look into it.
Which comes first? Simon Bolivar or Death? Oh Yeah, Mary Sue showed us the way with Simon Bolivar then death. It’s a crying shame.
In Dave’s case, The Responsibility of Leaders becomes The Perversity of Bottom Feeders.
And, just like there are awareness levels lower than body death, so too are there conditions lower than Dead, in fact many of them. Some include: Condition of Being on COB’s personal staff, Condition of being an Int Base staff member, Condition of being an SO Member, Condition of “the Hole” of which there are related subconditions as such as Condition of “being in the sights of his Ass-Hole-iness.”
You are correct. I was in the Condition of being an SO member. The only way I could be upgraded was to be dead. AFTER ALL, AN SO MEMBER PUTS THE GROUP ABOVE ALL ELSE.
FOR YEARS I WANTED TO DIE IN ORDER FOR THE AGONY TO BE OVER. I ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF CSWING ONCE. BUT I WOULD HAVE TO FIND A REPLACEMENT FOR MY POST, SOMETHING THE ORG COULD STILL NOT DO 5 YEARS AFTER I LEFT. AND I HAD AN IMPORTANT POST. SOMEONE HAD TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING ALL OF THE MACHINERY RUNNING. OTHERWISE, WHEN THE ENGINES STOP AND THE SHIP BLOWS ONTO THE ROCKS, WHO DO YOU SHOOT? I GUESS YOU WOULD SHOOT EVERYONE, IF THEY WERE STILL ALIVE TO BE SHOT.
BUT MY POINT IS THAT THE ONLY WAY ( for me) OUT OF BEING AN SO MEMBER IS TO DIE. THERE IS NO FO OR POLICY LETTER THAT SAYS YOU CANNOT DIE; DEATH IS ALLOWED IT IS EVEN HONORED. WHEN WAK ALLCOCK DIED HE REPORTEDLY HAD 2 FUNERALS, ONE AT FLAG AND ONE ON THE SHIP. DEATH IS LIKE A RANK PROMOTION WHICH CAN NEVER BE TAKEN AWAY. WHEN A MILLION DOLLAR REG DIED IN WEST US THE CHURCH PUT OUT A PROMOTION TO THE PUBLIC TO GET THEM TO MAKE HIS QUOTA AFTER HE WAS DEAD.
AND I THOUHT MY HUMOR WAS A LITTLE OFF. THIS WAS NO JOKE. THIS REG REGGED A MILLION DOLLARS THE WEEK AFTER HE WAS PRONOUNCED DEAD BY MEDICAL PERSONNEL. THIS REG WAS CLEARLY OT IF HE MADE HIS QUOTA AFTER HE WAS DEAD.
IN KSW IT SAYS “WIN OR DIE IN THE ATTEMPT” THIS MEANS CLEARLY ” WIN IF YOU CAN AND IF YOU CANNOT, DIE. THIS IS A COMMAND. IT IS TO BE OBEYED WITHOUT QUESTION. ANYTHING ELSE IS BACKFLASH. ANYONE DOING THIS HAS DONE WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE SO. I USED TO BELIEVE THAT ANYONE WHO LEFT THE SO ALIVE WITHOUT CLEARING THE PLANET FIRST WAS A TRAITOR AND WAS BETTER OFF DEAD.
I CAN TELL YOU FROM MY EXPERIENCE THAT DEATH IS THE EASY WAY OUT. A 21 YEAR LIBERTY! NO CSW TO WRITE OR GET APPROVED. NO SEC CHEK TO PASS!. DEATH IS PROBABLY LIKE BLOWING. (THE BODY) THIS ACTUALLY CAME UP IN A SEC CHECK AFTER I LEFT THE SHIP. OF COURSE I WAS NOT MEDICALLY DEAD BUT CLOSE. SURELY I WAS TREATED BY THE CHURCH AS IF I WAS DEAD. I HAVE BEEN DEAD FILED.
IT IS MUCH HARDER TO STAY ALIVE AND GET YOUR PRODUCTS.
SO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE STILL ALIVE . I SALUTE YOU. AND IF THERE ARE ANY GHOSTS READING THIS, APPLY THE CONDITION OF DEATH AND GET ANOTHER BODY, PREFERABLY ONE THAT WILL BE ACCEPTABLE TO THE SO. AND, LIKE IDEAL ORG BUILDINGS, YOU MAY HAVE HAD TO GET THE BODY BUT THEY OWN IT. SO, MAKE SURE YOU GET ONE THAT MEETS WITH DM’s APPROVAL. OTHERWISE YOU MAY NOT HAVE IT LONG, THEY MAY SELL OR TRANSFER IT, OR THROW IT IN THE HOLE AND NOT EVEN COVER IT UP.
I JUST REALISED THAT A REASON THERE ARE SO MANY DEAD SO MEMBERS IS THAT THEY ARE REWARDED AS UPSTATS.
AFTER ALL, LRH WAS PROMOTED TO “ADMIRAL” AFTER HE DIED.
IT IS A SENIOR POLICY THAT WHEN YOU DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ON YOUR POST, ASK YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD LRH DO. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HE DID; HE DIED.
SO A DEAD STAFF MEMBER HAS ACHIEVED THE ULTIMATE ACHIEVEMENT ONE CAN WISH FOR, DEATH. HE HAS ALSO GONE TO BE WITH LRH AS ONE OF HIS LOYAL OFFICERS. IT IS THE RESULT OF MANY YEARS OF HARD WORK, INJUSTICES, BAD MEDICAL CARE, NO BRIDGE PROGRESS ETC.
OF COURSE, THIS IS CONTRARY TO MY LAST STATEMENT OF SALUTING THOSE STILL ALIVE.
OH WELL, I GUESS I WILL SALUTE THOSE STILL ALIVE AND THE CURRENT ORG ESTABLISHMENT WILL SALUTE THOSE WHO ARE DEAD. YOU SEE SCIENTOLOGY IS THE ONLY GAME WHERE EVERYONE WINS
(One last small addition)
I just realized why LRH had no sucessor when he died. It is because no one could replace him or do his post.
It is sort of like when I was told 5 years after I was sent off to die that no one
had assumed my post “Nobody could possibly replace you Bill”.
I do not compare myself with LRH but in our different fields we each put a lot of time and work into them. But as I thought when told that I was unreplacable, YOU ASSIGN SOMEONE AND THEN GET THEM TO DO THE POST. PAT BROEKER SAID THAT THERE WOULD NEVER BE ANY OTHER SOURCE AT LRHS FUNERAL. HOWEVER, SINCE THIS WAS VERBAL AND NOT IN WRITING, IT MAY HAVE BEEN DISMISSED AS VERBAL TECH, LEAVING DM TO SET HIMSELF UP AS SOURCE.
Bill. The ALL CAPS is annoying to read. Please tone them down.
Yes sir
The content however was on point and most interesting. It sounds like your engine room expertise was great. How do you keep a ship going if all the engineers are RPFed? I notice that the FARTWINDS is in dry dock.
Lack of gas money? Or is the head Engineers head on a pike?
Yeah, no complaint about content from me, just style 🙂
Interesting that you mention RPFing engineers. I heard that one of my juniors (Larry Beall) was to be RPFed. (I found out later it was for masterbating) He was in charge of repairing all of the engines. He would work all day and all night and then the next day in the heat and always got good products. I thought that if he goes I may as well go with him because there is no way I can do his post on top of mine and when it goes bad I will be shot anyway. Can you imagine risking the ship burning or sinking because you have just got to RPF someone for masterbating?I went and talked with the Captain and he went to CMO and got it cancelled. As far as it being in drydock, by law it has to go every 2 years so that the hull valves where the water comes into the ship for cooling can be disassembled and certified in order to have a “Passenger Safety Certificate” without which we would not be allowed into any port nor have insurance to sail. In all of the drydocks in the 16 years I was aboard (except the 1st when I had a bleeding ulcer, received transfusions and ultimately got AIDS) I was in charge of all Engineering repairs. In the SO this means that I was responsible for the work that the drydock workers did as well as my own crew. And the drydock workers did not speak English. Mr Beall who was almost RPFed was called KGBeall because the drydock workers said that he watched them more closely than the Russian KGB agents on the Eastern Bloc ships. So he was a very valuable guy and it would have been suicide on my part to let him go to the RPF. As far as heads on a pike in later years we were double posted as cannon fodder for target practice. I only escaped by getting AIDS. It seemed that working on the ship degenerated into sadism. (Maybe wrong word?)
As far as my engine room expertise is concerned, I had none when I got there. I had never worked on a ship and had never worked on anything larger than car engines. All I could do was read what I could find and train myself. There is an LRH Flag Order where he says ” I am not going to buy ” Can’t, don’t know, haven’t been hatted. You can and you do know and any other statement is pretense. So I am just not buying it any more”. I liked this about the SO. I don’t know how I pulled off some some of the cycles I had to do. Actually, I have a pretty good idea but I won’t get into that here.
Thank you for the correction, sir. I realized that I still have charge on these subjects and just as some people in talking raise their voice, I did the same by using caps. And yes, in rereading it it even annoyed me. Who the hell am I to drown out others comments by using caps? Other people may have charge too and my comments are no more important than theirs.
You are a good man Bill Straass. I appreciate both your amazing courage and your exemplary manners.
Thank you sir.
My courage probably stems from my fear of letting others down. The cycle was far harder on my wife than myself. It is not hard to die, it is staying alive against all odds which was hard.I had to live for her sake. Without her I would have been dead.Yet some people on the ship were doing everything they could to ensure that I would never see her again. It was a. close call. At one point she was afraid to go to the store because she thought I would be dead when she got back.She asked me for some prediction on when I would die. I told her it would be over in 3 weeks. And although I was still alive 3 weeks later, I no longer recognized her as I had dememtia. Regarding my manners I have seen some real assholes in my day. My father was an alcoholic and routinely tore the family to shreds. So whatever I did in life, I was determined not to be like that.
I still would like to talk to you about the ship and the vampire personality Sharron Weber my 1st wife if you can spare a few minutes. Again my phone number is 214 756 0988. It would really make my day (actually probably my year)
You would not believe how much I can screw up on blogs too.A learning curve is what I am on and I do have to laugh at myself at times.Bypassed Charge,Yup I sure know about that.Still enjoy your story and comments.?
Thank you Bill for all you post.I love how you write and what you say allows me to laugh,cry and throw pillows at Scientology and all the Tech has Wrought,good or bad,Hugs to you.?
Thank you, Ann for your comment. Although the Code of Honor says “Never need praise, approval or sympathy it is still good to know when my writing is well received.
Thank you Bill.I put aside The Code Of Honor and amended it to suit me.Praise,approval and sympathy I searched for years to find in Sea Org and beyond.Alot of it becomes narcissistic but a little goes along way.Just my thought…❤️
In addition to the previously lost conditions, look for this startling new tech refinement on GAT 3 re the KRC Triangle:
By raising one corner – i.e. letting the church control your income, you find that your knowledge of Dave’s greatness goes way up while your responsibility for fundraising also increases.
This is a MAJOR discovery and finally gives all Scientologists a tool they can use to improve as thetans and thus be a greater contributor on the third dynamic without joining the Sea Org. Pretty neat, huh?
I like conditions. Let’s make some more :
Condition of Chocolate
Research has shown that right around teatime, humans will crave for chocolate.
The steps for the Condition of Chocolate are:
1- Buy your favorite chocolate or chocolate-flavored snack
2- Omnomnomnomnom
Condition of Kitteh
Cats are humans’ overlords. Therefore when a human find him/herself in presence of one or more cats, a Condition of Kitteh may ensue.
The steps for the Condition of Kitteh are:
1- Sit
2- No, not like that
3-That’s better
4- Now pet the kitteh
5- Oh yeah that’s the spot. Kitteh should now be purring
6- Stay still
kemist, I Just Dropped In to See What Condition My Condition Was In.
https://youtu.be/znTz2vY9dmk?t=39s
Great post, along with inspired comments.
Kemist, If I must have any Conditions I take your list.❤️❤️
And last but not least, the condition of Compliance, whereby you successfully parrot “command intention” losing all self-aware cognitive functions and do whatever Dave says.
I found the conditions of the surf last weekend outstanding….
Speaking of condition attainment …………….. anyone know how the Porn Valley rape and pillage event went off last weekend. Is Dave done or will Bart have to cough up some more matching funds to get started on her Oh Tea Niner set ups?
I think Terra you hit on two of my favorite hidden conditions.Laughing and hitting the bullseye at the same time! Love it,thank you.?
TC, I’m very surprised that you forgot the two most important steps in accomplishing the position of Simon Bolivar.
Just as there is an action called “safe pointing” prior to the Non Existence formula, there are two vital actions which must be done prior to embarking on the condition of Simon Bolivar:
1. Get your hands on the money
2. Hire dozens of unscrupulous lawyers and pay them exorbitant fees to ensure you ALWAYS have your hands on the money.
Additional conditional steps for COBs.
Pay off all P.I.s
Invest the remainder in service facsimiles
As each one complements the other perfectly, they’re actually the same condition.
How many more ‘conditions’ can there be? We’ll never know, the clampire will trot out new ones whenever there is a buck to be made or an underling to be stamped down. The Simon Bolivar ‘condition’ is Miscavage’s modus operandi. Why can’t the minions see that? Because anyone who took off their blinders has already left the building with Elvis.
I wonder if Miscavige’s “management team” (sycophants) have been apprised of these 2 new conditions. Who will sec check the sec checkers?
I’ve learnt the condition of the wife always being right takes precedence over all other things, material or spiritually. I don’t know what Scientology or anyone else is on about??? Geezers, what’s wrong with you people?
So funny.
Somewhere in the Condition of Simon Bolivar (brilliant name for it BTW) there is a step where you get those directly below you to commit the overts (sins, crimes, transgressions, abuses) you’re committing to ensure being able to blame them for the mass exodus it creates. Charge your remaining subjects for the subsequent changes you need to make in order to keep in Standard Tech.
When you invert the words Simon Bolivar, you come up with the correct abbreviation for the condition.
Maybe the conditions were on a shelf that COB couldn’t reach until one of his executives brought him the apple crate
Or maybe COB was riding around on Tom Cruise’s shoulders and saw the box holding the conditions
Either way, this sector of the galaxy can breathe a little easier now.
Which raises the very important question: Who could have hid those crucially important conditions, way up high on that unreachable shelf and why? ASC royalty and their cowed underlings have been abuzz with speculation concerning the entire realm of General possibilities all morning long. A closer Inspection of the facts will be required to make that determination for certain, but at this point in time it’s very clear that the individual who did so had to have been at least six foot in height and was keenly aware of just how dear Elron’s Simon Bolivar tale was to lil davey, while also having it in for the tiny tyrant.
Plus, he/she had to have been one of the very few to have close personal access to lil davey as well. Now, who do we know who fits that bill?
Love this too Harpoona,Instant Classic!❤️
One of your best TC.
You also seemed to inspire the best and funniest comments I read on the blog this year.
Pain is the Universe’s way of telling you that you may have made a mistake.
Mistakes have their merit, too. Wilbur never would have flown without about 1000 mistakes that led into the ground. We need a better word for Mother Nature’s way, for pain?
Pain is Nature’s way of telling you something’s wrong,
…liking that yes from the song.
Well formulated ;D
Excellent Terra! A real coffee onto the keyboard post.
I wonder when Goldenrods will start coming out assigning the first condition listed above to people still on post?
I was assigned the condition of death in 2002. No goldenrod issued; would be a waste of paper. I was supposed to return ” as soon as possible next lifetime”. When I failed to die the cult took action to ensure that I was actually in that condition. However, SPs cannot finish a cycle of action. Too bad. Better luck next time. Just like the cult not to get its product. Like the Superpower building. The reason it took so long is that they wanted to milk every penny out of the sheeple.
Yep, El Con created a death cult. What criminally insane jerk.
Lol! Wonderful; and not far out at all!
Wow! Is that ever “precise”! LOL And Li’l Davey is pretty much stuck in this condition. Well done, TC!!!