I have been doing quite a lot of reading on topics related to sociopathy/narcissism and as I come across things I think might be helpful to others or just interesting, I put them up here. This is where Hubbard’s Third Party Law comes from — though of course he has it twisted into chiseled in stone “for ANY conflict to exist…” as if no two people could possible disagree unless someone whispered in their ear….
I found this interesting as sociopathy/narcissism adjacent.
What Triangulation is and How it Impacts our Relationships
By Kaylee Friedman
“OMG, you will never guess what they just said to me!”
How many of us have gotten this text from a friend or family member and dreaded the tightrope we’re about to be obligated to walk?
When a loved one puts us in the middle of a conflict, it can cause an incredible amount of anxiety, stress, and strain on all the relationships involved.
Triangulation
In psychotherapy, we call that relational pattern ‘triangulation.’
Triangulation is a tactic or process used to avoid confrontation by communicating with a third party instead of directly communicating with the person you’re having a conflict with.
Triangulation is not always inherently good or bad, it can be a useful tool for diffusing anxiety within highly reactive relationships. Bringing a neutral, grounded, third party into a conflict can sometimes be helpful or supportive in the right context.
However, when it is done unconsciously or as a manipulation tactic, bringing a third party into a conflict is a drain on the person who is being triangulated.
Triangulation and Friendships
Triangulation can show up in all of our relationships to varying degrees. One of the most common places we tend to see it happening is within our social circles.
For example, if I am upset with my best friend, and instead of speaking to her directly about it, I go to a mutual friend about it, the mutual friend is being triangulated between the two of us. This helps me reduce my own anxiety, but now I’ve put this mutual friend in the middle of a conflict that doesn’t involve her. This generates tension between her and my best friend, and now she has to do extra emotional labor. The worst part of this dynamic is that the problem doesn’t actually get solved between the parties who originated it.
Triangulation in Social Media
Triangulation also happens a lot on social media when two people have a disagreement and it gets posted about publicly.
Followers become the point of the triangle, and the two people in the conflict communicate with each other indirectly through sub-posting and encouraging flying monkeys. This can help each party feel a little more grounded that there are “people on their side,” but in the long run it creates a culture of distrust, lack of felt sense of safety, and ultimately takes advantage of those being triangulated.
The worst part is that in the end, nothing actually gets solved, and a lot more stress, anxiety, and damage is done to the community along the way.
Pause before getting sucked in
Before you get sucked into other people’s conflicts, it may be worth pausing and asking yourself some of these questions:
- Do I have space to participate in this?
- Am I being asked permission, or is someone acting entitled to my time, energy, and emotional labor?
- Am I in a state of fight or flight mode here?
- Is this decision to be involved a reaction or a response on my part?
- What is my relationship to the people involved?
- Does it feel safe to ask questions?
Some ways to respond to someone who is trying to triangulate you:
“I would love to support you in processing this after you’ve addressed it with them directly.”
“I’m not going to get involved, but I want you to know I love you and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this difficult situation.”
“Thank you for trusting me with this, but I don’t have the emotional space to help.”
“I can see that you’re needing support right now. I can’t participate in this conflict. Is there another way I can support you?”
Kudos to you for continuing to read and explore and learn…and for sharing the fruits of your learning journey with us here.
I think it’s vitally important for ex-scientologists(I am one) to THOROUGHLY and methodically root out the lie of the intellectual and spiritual “altitude” of “Dr. Hubbard’s researches”…and that includes the alleged value and palliative benefit of the cult’s “benign” introductory services. I always urge ex-scino’s to read El Bong’s “affirmations”, along with Russell Miller’s BARE FACED MESSIAH and Jon Atack’s LET’S SELL THESE PEOPLE A PIECE OF BLUE SKY to understand that Hubbard was a grifting, criminal, narcissistic liar who consciously engaged in a decades-long grift to literally steal the money and sanity/souls of his followers.
Folks, it’s a fucking radioactive turd, conceived in a celebration of masturbatory evil(referring to a Crowley “sex magick” ritual that Hubbard participated in). E-meters, cans, cases, grades, OT abilities, Marcabs, axioms, factors; it’s an epic pile of toxic shit…
For a subject that states, as logic, ‘absolutes are unobtainable’ – Scientology is infested with them, hence the subject itself is illogical. A snapshot of both Hubbard’s and Miscavige’s personality. They both reinforced their misguided, illogical nonsense with force and scare tactics.
I couldn’t even begin to recall how many times I read, heard or it was implied in that church; Scientology is the only…
One of the best examples of the damaging effects of third-party is Scientology itself.
… yes, I feel safe, without questions …
thx
I just finished your book. Truly amazing fortitude and strength to survive that shit for as long as you did. I did not even last 6 months up there before being sent to the RPF (Gold Construction Team) to build the music studio.
Very thought provoking…. thank you Mike. I remember having my sincere doubts about “The Third Party Law”. This sounds like the flip side of that, in a way.
Thank you for posting this.